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By Stuart Carapola on 2013-01-17 22:00:33
Welcome to the Impact Wrestling Report here on!

We kick off with some backstage segments with Bully Ray and Brooke Hogan getting ready for tonight's big night. Spike Dudley (Brother Runt?) and Tommy Dreamer show up to be Bubba's grromsmen, and Bubba celebrated by getting Spike a tie dye tux and an extra wide one for Dreamer. Brooke forced the Knockouts to be her bridesmaids, and Tessmacher asks Brooke if her dad's going to be there, but she's met with...AWKWARD silence.

Jeff Hardy comes out to the ring to chants of "you still got it" and says that the odds were stacked against him, but the Creatures prevailed again. He can't thank the Creatures enough (they chant "we are Creatures") and says he does this every night for each and every one of them, and wants to keep it going in 2013. Kazarian and Daniels come out to tell the butt puppets in the crowd that Daniels is going to take the TNA World Title next week. Daniels says he didn't think "Jefferson" was the bragging type, but he can brag about beating AJ Styles and sending him home, and then beating James Storm to earn a title shot. He did it all without any Creatures to help him, but they're not Creatures of the Night, they're Creatures of Habit and their habit is losing. They're losers just like AJ, just like Jimmy Storm, and just like Hardy, and once he beats Hardy, they can worship him too. Hardy says they don't have to wait and then he attacks Daniels and Kazarian, but Storm runs out to make the save and if somebody said something about fighting, they can go at it right now. Storm and Hardy go after Daniels and Kazarian, and it looks like we have an impromptu opener!

James Storm & TNA World Champion Jeff Hardy vs Christopher Daniels & Frankie Kazarian

All heck breaks loose as the babyfaces send the heels outside, then Hardy wipes them out with a double baseball slide as we go to commercial.

We're back, and Storm & Hardy still have the advantage as Hardy gets 2 off a clothesline. Quick tags in and out as they work Daniels' arm over, but Bad Influence turn the tide and get Storm in trouble. Daniels clotheslines Storm and hiptosses Kazarian on top of him for 2, then they choke Storm on the ropes behind the referee's back. Daniels gets a side bulldog for 2, then gets Storm in a rear chinlock. Storm escapes and gets a small package for 2, but Daniels lays him out with a clothesline and goes right back to the chinlock. Storm fights his way free again and gets a side Russian legsweep and makes the hot tag to Hardy, who quickly baseball slides Kazarian off the apron, dumps Daniels to the floor, and wipes him out with a dive. He sends Kazarian inside and gets a basement dropkick and double legdrop to the crotch for 2. Hardy with the Whisper In The Wind for 2, Daniels comes back in and hits an STO on Hardy, but Storm lays Daniels out with Closing Time. Daniels goes to the outside and Storm takes him out with a dive through the ropes, but appears ot hurt his knee on the way down. Hardy hits Kazarian with the Twist of Fate in the meantime and gets 3.

Winners: Jeff Hardy & James Storm

Daniels attacks Hardy after the match and gives him Angel's Wings onto the title belt, then slings the belt over his own shoulder and gets in Hardy's face telling him that he's taking the title next week.

We go to the Gut Check judges as they debate last week's performance by Brian Cage and Jay Bradley. They're ready to vote, but we'll have to wait until a little later to find out their fates.

We go back to Bully Ray's dressing room as he tells Spike he smells like booze and cigarettes, then Joseph Park comes in and says that he and Bubba have had their differences, but he'd never be a member of the Impact Wrestling roster if it weren't for Bubba and Hulk. He gives Bubba some illegal Cuban cigars he bought from a guy at the airport, then asks him if he wants to do a prenup.

It's time for the decision in this month's Gut Check, as Brian Cage and Jay Bradley face the panel of judges. Bruce says that he's watched Jay for years and he won the match, but they're not just looking for a winner. Cage looked good and he's put together, but it wasn't enough and he's eliminated. So now we find out if Jay gets the contract, and Taz says no. Jay has 30 seconds to plead his case, and he says that Taz says that people need to hump the highways, and he's humped so many he probably owes child support. He's traveled the world and he's trained to be the best and he is the best, he and his Boom Stick are trending worldwide, and he's knocking on their door. All they have to do is let him in and he'll do the rest. Al Snow says that Jay showed great talent and skill in the ring, he has a great presence, and he's obviously connected with the crowd, and he says yes to Jay Bradley. It all comes down to Bruce Prichard, and he says that he's at least proven that he makes the fans care. He's got talent and guts, and the answer is yes. Your newest member of the Impact Wrestling roster: Jay Bradley!

Christian York vs Kenny King

These two have a little heat based on King attacking York at Genesis, and York goes right after King and destroys him right from the time the bell rings. York batters King in the ring, on the floor, and back in the ring. York mounts King in the corner for the ten punch count, then hits a series of Kawada kicks and a big chop. King has gotten no offense in as York has been a man of rage, but he finally catches York off guard with the cartwheel kick. He tries the Royal Flush, but York escapes and hits a cartwheel kick of his own and then plants King with a suplex. King gouges York's eyes and rolls him up with a handful of tights to get a cheapo win.

Winner: Kenny King

Still to come: Bully Ray and Brooke Hogan are getting married!

Speaking of Bubba, he's backstage with Sting saying he's the only guy who trusts him around here, and Brooke needs Hulk out there for the wedding. He asks Sting to talk to Hulk because he won't listen to him, and Sting says that because of what Bubba means to him, he'll do it. I got it, Bubba's going to leave Brooke at the altar for Sting! Okay, maybe not.

Austin Aries walks in on Bobby Roode in the dressing room and they get in an argument over who cost who the World Title, and if Bubba and Brooke are getting married, Aries wants to know where their celebration is for carrying the company for the last year. Aries isn't invited, but he's wearing black to be a pain in the ass and Roode decides to go along with him.

The dumbass with the camera waits for his boss Hulk Hogan in the parking lot so he can harass him with questions about Brooke. Hogan says to find something better to do and get the camera out of his face.

Back to Bubba's dressing room as Taz shows up in a tux and asks if they called Paul. Bubba says he called and Paul said he'd call back (and they all say in unison) IN FIVE MINUTES. Taz asks about Brooke, and Bubba says she's a wreck over Hulk. He says he asked Sting to talk to Hulk about coming, but one way or another, he's glad his brothers are here to do this with him.

We go to a video package looking back at the recent history between Hulk Hogan and Bully Ray, then Sting comes out to the ring to inform us that love is in the air because we have a wedding tonight, and then he asks Hulk Hogan to come out and join him in the ring. Hulk comes out and asks Sting to cut the crap and asks him if he wants him to come out and flex or something. They've both been in the business a long time and traveled every road there is, both business-wise and personally, and they've both had people they loved walk out on them. They've also both had friends stab them in the back, so he asks Sting to lay it out straight so he knows where he's at, brother. Sting says Bubba has come to his aid, Hogan's aid, and Brooke's aid umpteen times, and asks what it's going to take. Hogan says this social media thing he knows nothing about has been telling him not to trust Bully, and everyone out here is telling him to watch out for himself, Sting, and his family. He says there's something not right about Bubba, and as far as he's concerned, he will never trust Bully Ray. Sting says that in that case, he needs to do this for himself and for Brooke. The fans (who were apparently telling Hogan not to trust Bubba on social media) are telling him to do it, so instead of just telling Sting, he'll tell everyone that he always does the right thing, BROTHER. He throws down his microphone and walks off on a very frustrated looking Sting.

Gail Kim comes into Taryn Terrell's locker room and asks her how long she's been in TNA, Terrell says about six months, so Gail says she's been in the business for 13 years. She then takes out her iPad to show Terrell her blown call at Genesis, but Terrell says she has another #1 contender match tonight and she promises everything will be called down the middle.

We go to a video montage of Bully Ray's bachelor party at Rick's this past weekend in New York City, as Bubba enjoys the company of several lovely ladies...AND ONLY FOUR UGLY ONES!!! (points to anyone who gets that reference)

#1 Contender Match: Gail Kim vs Velvet Sky

Love the new Spider Girl outfit on Velvet. Gail gets a headlock, Velvet escapes and takes Gail out with a running shoulderblock, and Gail rolls to the floor. She comes back in and starts unloading with forearms and kicks, then chokes Velvet in the corner with her boot. Velvet catches a sunset flip for 2, schoolgirl rollup for another 2, then Gail catches her with a kick to the ribs. Gail with a clothesline and a straitjacket neckbreaker for 2, but Gail gets caught on a charge and runs into Velvet's boot, and Velvet catches a bit of a break. Gail quickly regains control, slamming Velvet's face into the mat, then scissoring her head and really cranking on the hold. Velvet tries a bulldog, but Gail shoves her off and connects with a running dropkick to the chest. Gail hits Eat Da Feet and makes a cover, but Velvet gets her foot under the bottom rope, the exact same thing that happened to Gail at the PPV. This time Taryn Terrell caught it, and Gail wastes so much time arguing with her that Velvet recovers and hits a series of clotheslines, a bulldog, and two Pedigrees for the win.

Winner: Velvet Sky

Velvet Sky is now the #1 contender to her title, and will get the next shot at Tara.

We go back to Brooke's dressing room where Dixie is gushing over how beautiful Brooke looks, and she reminds her that no matter what happens tonight, her daddy loves her very much. The wedding is up...NEXT!

It's wedding time! Wait a second, Bobby Roode and Austin Aries are coming out to the ring. They stop to check out the cake and presents, then Roode says that we're all here to celebrate a wedding, but they deserve the celebration because there wouldn't even be a show without them. They're two of the best wrestlers on the earth: Roode is the longest reigning champion in company history, then Aries interrupts to say that he beat the most dominant champion in company history. Aries says that every great moment in TNA is thanks to Roode and Aries, and the fact that they still don't get respect led to them having a mutual respect for each other's talents. They think TNA has taken a step ten years in the past because you've got a bunch of crappy champions, including the World Champion Jeff Hardy. All the thirteen year old girls can scream and paint their faces, but they're the two men who deserve credit for everything and it makes them sick. With all this being said, they object to the wedding...but before we can hear more of their thoughts, Chavo Guerrero, Jr and Hernandez come out to object as well. Aries thanks them for their support, but Chavo says they don't object to the wedding, they object to the statements Roode and Aries are making about the champions. There is a reason they are no longer champions in this country...he means, company, but Aries says that on top of all the objections, he didn't realize the caterers were allowed to object to anything. They make a bunch of Mexican jokes before Chavo and Hernandez flatten them. Aries goes for the Border Toss on Aries, but Roode saves him and they head for the hills as the caterers dare them to come back to the ring.

Okay, the wedding is up next...we swear this time!

We go back to Hulk's office as he looks at pictures of Brooke and himself, and he tells Sting that he's just been trying to protect Brooke all this time. He doesn't think Bubba is a bad guy, but he's worried about what will happen with Brooke. Sting says he gets it, but he asks Hulk if it's possible that she sees something in him that he's missed. Hulk says he's packing up and getting out of here, but he always does the right thing for the business and his family.

Okay, it's FINALLY time for the wedding. Bubba comes out first, followed by Tommy Dreamer and Brooke Tessmacher, Brother Runt and Mickie James, and Taz and Christy Hemme. The bride comes out next...but will her dad walk her to the ring?

Okay, we're back and Brooke Hogan comes out of the back, pauses to turn around and see if her dad suddenly materialized behind her, and sure enough he's here in his tux...and a freakin' doo rag. Really, Hulk? The bridesmaids all pretend to be really happy for Brooke as she makes her way to the ring/altar. The fans chant for Hulk to shake Bubba's hand, but he doesn't do it as the dude performing the ceremony (the word escapes me, which I'm a little embarrassed about since I'm married and all) asks who presents the bride. Hulk says he does, then the marrying guy goes through his spiel as I realize we haven't seen Aces & Eights once tonight. They exchange vows, and Brooke says Mark came into her life like a burst of light (probably the only time he's ever been described that way), and she says a bunch of touching stuff and says he loves her. Bubba says he tried to take out a paper and write stuff down, and then he decided she doesn't deserve words on paper, he deserves words from the heart. He knew from the time he met her that she was the one. She makes him happy and he wants to make her the happiest woman in the world because he freakin' loves her. The dude asks if anyone objects (you can hear the groans from the crowd), but nobody speaks up. They both do and exchange rings, but Taz interrupts before they're pronounced man and wife and asks Bubba if he really wants to do this. He then says it's a little hot in here and takes off his jacket to reveal an Aces & Eights jacket as Aces & Eights runs in and lays out Sting and Hulk, then they hold Bubba so Devon can bash him in the face with the fountain and knock him out. Brooke is in tears as she checks on her dad, who selflessly tells her to check on Bully.

That's a wrap! Thanks for reading the Impact Wrestling Report, and I'll be back to discuss Impact and more with Dave Scherer tomorrow on the Stu & Pid Show!

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