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WWE RAW REPORT: DID YOU KNOW THIS WAS THE 900TH EPISODE OF RAW?; CM PUNK SAVES MORE THAN SOME LOST SOULS TONIGHT; SOME TEASES; KANE DOES THE LIGHTS GO OUT DEAL BETTER THAN HIS BROTHER; AND MICHAEL COLE TOLD YOU IT WAS THE 900TH EPISODE OF RAW ABOUT 900 TIMES TONIGHT

By Richard Trionfo on 2010-08-30 23:08:41
We are live from Boston, Massachusetts and your announcers are Michael ‘Official voice of the Raw General Messenger’ Cole and Jerry ‘The King of the 900s’ Lawler.

Bret Hart comes to the ring and he has something to say. Bret says hello to the people of Boston and says that it has been a while. Seventeen years ago, a new show debuted called Monday Night Raw. Bret says that back then, he wondered if the show would catch on. Thanks to everyone, seventeen years and 900 shows later, it looks like it is doing pretty good. Raw has the most shows in the history of primetime television. Bret says that he was there for the very first show. There was only one other wrestler here who was there on the first show as well. That man is the Undertaker. Bret says that it would be appropriate . . .

For Kane to come out and interrupt Bret. Kane mentions the Undertaker. He says that there is no Undertaker any more. Kane says that thanks to him physically decimating him and leaving him to rot in a vegetative state, the Undertaker is a phenom no longer. He is not phenomenal in any way. Kane says that Taker is just a man. Kane says that the man Bret once knew is like Bret. He is weak, feeble, scraggly, over the hill, and irreversibly damaged. The last time that the Undertaker was truly the Phenom it was at Wrestlemania when Taker ended the career of Shawn Michaels. Kane asks Bret if he liked that. Bret made amends with him, but he utterly despised Shawn. He must have enjoyed seeing Shawn laid out to rest.

Bret says that he will savor it when Kane loses to the Undertaker again. Kane tells Bret that he sounds like Taker. Kane says that the only thing he ever wanted was to break out of his brother’s shadow to prove that he is the devil’s favorite demon. Undertaker took out an icon in Shawn Michaels. Kane says that means that he needs to do the same. He needs to take out an icon of his own. Kane says that he needs to take out Bret Hart.

Kane grabs Bret by the throat and the Hart Dynasty comes to the ring. Kane fights off Kidd and Smith. Hart punches Kane but Kane grabs Hart again.

The lights go out and the Undertaker is in the center of the ring when the lights go back on. Kane stares down his brother and he leaves the ring. Kane tells his big brother ‘not yet’.

The General Messenger makes his presence known and Michael Cole gives us the most electrifying introduction in e-mail reading history. Cole tells us that he sees this iconic moment take place. In honor of Raw’s 900th episode, there will be a main event befitting this historic occasion. Bret Hart versus the Undertaker.

We go to a Raw Moment: Footage from the first episode of Raw in January 1993.

We go to commercial.

We are back and did you Know that Raw has had more original episodes that a few reality shows combined.

It is time for another Raw moment. Episode 279 when Steve Austin drove a zamboni into the arena in 1998.

Match Number Two: Kofi Kingston and Michael McGillicutty versus Daniel Bryan and Kaval versus The Miz and Alex Riley

Riley, Bryan and Kofi start things off and Riley attacks Bryan from behind and then he knocks Kofi away. Kofi with a drop kick but Bryan breaks up the cover. Bryan with a European uppercut but Kofi with a kick. Bryan with a kick to Kofi and then Bryan punches the Miz. Bryan punches Riley and kicks him in the corner. Kofi with the SOS to Bryan for a near fall. Riley breaks up the cover and he hits a Michinoku Driver on Kofi for a near fall. Riley with an elbow to the head. Bryan with a knee to Riley but Kofi with a forearm to Bryan. Kofi with the Boom drop to Riley but Bryan breaks things up. Kofi with a cross body to Bryan and all three men are down. Kaval and McGillicutty tag in and Michael with a kick but Kaval with a Dragon Sleeper but Riley hits Kaval from behind. Riley punches Michael and Miz tags in but Kaval with a drop kick to Riley and Miz goes to the floor. Michael with a rollup for a near fall on Kaval. Kaval with a Liger kick and then he goes up top for the Warriors Way and he hits it but Miz with the Skull Crushing Finale for the three count.

Winners: Miz and Alex Riley

After the match, Bryan kicks Riley off the apron and then Miz returns to the ring and he hits Bryan in the head with the briefcase.

We go to commercial.

We are back with the Slam of the Week: Melina defeating Jillian last week only to have Michelle and Layla interrupt Melina’s celebration.

Michelle and Layla are in the ring.

Match Number Two: Melina and Eve Torres versus Michelle McCool and Layla

Michelle and Melina start off and Melina with forearms and Melina knocks Layla to the floor. Michelle with a belly-to-belly suplex for a near fall. Layla tags in and she tosses Melina by the hair. Layla is sent into Michelle and Melina with a rollup for the three count.

Winners: Melina featuring Eve Torres

After the match, it is time for some Real Talk. Michelle says that this victory is a lot like Melina, completely forgettable. Layla says that we need to know who the real champion is in WWE. They challenge Melina to a unification match against Melina at Night of Champions. Michelle and Layla ask Melina if they have a deal.

Melina says that she figured they were going to propose something like that, but she will accept only if it is a lumberjack match.

Michelle and Layla accept the stipulation.

The other Divas still in the company come out to show Michelle and Layla who the lumberjacks are.

Time for the next Raw moment: Episode 889 when Nexus was formed and John Cena fell victim to an eight on one attack.

The five remaining members of Nexus are in the locker room. Tarver says that people are saying that they aren’t the same. Otunga says that they are just trimming the fat and he tells Tarver to go if he doesn’t think that way. Wade says that they will be the biggest stars in the WWE tonight and in three weeks, he will become WWE Champion. They need to do something that will be unforgettable and have people talking about them forever. Wade says that he knows what they can do and we go to commercial.

We are back with another Raw 900th Episode flashback. Episode 850 from September 2009 when Bob Barker was the guest host.

Chris Jericho is in the interview area with Josh Mathews. He asks Josh what the future holds for him. Chris asks if people think it is a gimmick when he says that he is the best in the world. He says it because it is true. Jericho says that he is going to take matters into his own hands. He had an epiphany that he is the greatest performer. If he does not win the WWE Title at Night of Champions, it will be the last you see of Chris Jericho in the WWE. Josh mentions that Jericho has been kicked out of the WWE a dozen times. Jericho says that he wants Josh to see what he is going to do to prove that he is the best in the world at what he does.

Match Number Three: John Morrison and R Truth versus Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre in a Number One Contender Match for the WWE Tag Titles

Cody and Truth start things off and Truth gets the crowd into the match. Rhodes with a kick but Truth with a hip toss and then he does a split for no reason. Rhodes with a forearm to Morrison but Truth with a forearm to the back. All four men are in the ring and Drew and Cody are in control for a moment. The referee loses control and he calls for the bell.

No Contest

Truth with a suicide dive onto Rhodes while Drew kicks Morrison on the floor. Morrison with a drop kick that sends Drew into the computer.

We are back and did you know that people in WWE have a lot of free time to figure out when Jersey Shore would hit their 900th episode.

It is time to go to episode 867 on the Greatest Night in Wrestling History on January 4th when Hell Froze Over when Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart buried the hatchet after something that happened in Canada a few years ago.

Match Number Four: Bret Hart versus Undertaker

Before the match can start, Wade Barrett comes out and he tells Bret and Taker to hold their horses because this match is not going to happen. When people talk about the 900th episode of Raw, they don’t want to talk about two legends, they want to talk about the future and that is Nexus. Wade said earlier today that he was going to do something unforgettable. He will do it by delousing Bret Hart and proving that the Undertaker is indeed a dead man.

Barrett goes after Taker but Taker punches Barrett. Taker with a big boot to Barrett and Barrett is clotheslined over the top rope to the floor.

The lights go out and when they go back on, Kane is in the ring and Kane punches Taker but Taker punches Kane back. They stand toe to toe in the ring with Kane punching Taker.

The lights go out again and when they go back on Taker is the only person in the ring.

Nexus music plays again and the other four guys make their way to the ring. They join Barrett and circle Taker’s yard. Taker punches Tarver off the apron and then he takes care of Slater and Otunga. He has Barrett by the throat and the lights go out.

The lights go back on and Barrett has Taker on his shoulders and he hits the fireman’s carry slam.

Kane stands on the stage and watches what Nexus is going to do. They pull Taker towards the corner for the World’s Most Hesitant 450 Splash.

Take tries to sit up like he used to in the day but Kane might be right and he is no longer the top dog in the eyes of the devil.

We go to commercial.

We are back and there’s Fenway Park.

It is time for a Moments Ago Moment of Kane overshadowing Nexus’ plan to take care of the Undertaker and then Kane’s light switch gimmick helped Nexus.

Jack Swagger comes out and he says that they should hail the returning conquering All American Hero. Jack says that when he left Raw he was an All American American American American. He returns a former World Champion. Jack says that he might know why Johnny Damon doesn’t want to return to Boston, but Jack has no problem bringing a little swagger to Monday Night Raw.

Match Number Four: Jack Swagger versus Evan Bourne

Swagger with a kick and forearms to the back. Swagger sends Bourne into the turnbuckles and then Bourne with a kick to the leg and Alberto Del Rio interrupts as he drives into the building.

Swagger with an Irish whip while Ricardo Rodriguez introduces Alberto. Swagger with shoulders in the corner. Swagger tries for a running power slam but Bourne escapes and he hits a back kick. Bourne goes up top for the shooting star press and he lands on his feet when Swagger moves. Swagger clips Bourne and he puts Bourne in the ankle lock and Bourne taps.

Winner: Jack Swagger

Alberto Del Rio introduces himself and he says that the little Chihuahua Rey Mysterio won’t be here tonight. Alberto says that the only place you can see Rey is in the hospital. What he did to Rey last week was phenomenal and incredible. Alberto says that he is not completely happy because the audience on Raw did not see what happened. Alberto says that he is going to recreate that magic moment, but with a different Chihuahua. He goes into the ring and he attacks Evan Bourne and puts him in a cross arm breaker. Alberto kicks Bourne out of the ring and then he puts Bourne’s arm in the chair.

Mark Henry runs to the ring and he punches the chair. Alberto thinks again about going back to the ring.

Michael Cole talks about the first WWE show in China and we have a video package.

We go to commercial.

We are back with another Raw Moment: Episode 331: The Rock “This is Your Life” segment that was the highest rated segment in Raw history.

The Straight Edge Society comes out and they are one member short. They pose in the corner before Punk takes the mic. Punk says that he is better than the Rock. He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t smoke. He doesn’t make crappy movies like the Tooth Fairy. Punk asks if the fans like the Rock. Punk asks if they miss the Rock on Raw. Punk says that he doesn’t miss the Rock. It is because the Rock epitomizes the septic tank of a show that is Monday Night Raw. 900 shows is a milestone, but for 900 shows, Raw has been promoting poor family values. Punk has two words for us: Katie Vick. Punk says that it will drive you to drink, but he will save you. Punk says that he is here to show four of the most atrocious acts committed on Raw. They are not pretty and tonight he is Raw’s judge, jury and executioner. Exhibit A: Property Damage from Episode 824 when Triple destroyed Randy Orton’s house before Wrestlemania. Exhibit B: Irresponsible and Reckless Behavior: Edge and John Cena fighting into the water in Bridgeport in Episode 691. Punk says that he would never throw anyone into a body of water because it is bad sportsmanship. Exhibit C: Trespassing: Episode 257: Invading Nitro in 1998. Exhibit D: Excessive Use of Alcohol via firehose: Episode 304 in 1999 when Steve Austin had the beer hose and unleashed suds on the McMahon family.

Punk says that he cannot find the words that describe the shame that he feels for them. He says that he is ashamed to see the fans cheer someone like that. Punk says that everyone would pay their hard earned money to see Steve Austin walk down the ramp and spray CM Punk with beer via a fire hose.

Glass breaks and Punk has played the crowd because Steve Austin is not coming out. Punk gets a good laugh out of it and he asks if the people of Boston are disappointed and angry with him. Punk says that he is always that disappointed when he comes here to see each and every one of them. He says that he is happy that they are disappointed. Punk says that he has one more clip to leave on a high note. Punk has a clip from a show called Smackdown. We see the 199th episode of Smackdown when Brock Lesnar superplexed Big Show and imploded the ring. Punk says that he could watch that clip over and over because it represents everything he could never be. He could never be criminally obese. He says that Big Show is so big he broke an entire ring.

Big Show’s music plays and he comes out.

Punk mentions that they play Steve Austin’s music and no one comes out, but they play Big Show’s music and we get Captain Insano.

Show is insulted that Punk would make a fat joke. If Punk wants to embarrass him, he can talk about the chronic diarrhea when Eddie Guerrero gave him a tainted burrito. Or the time that he had to do the sumo wrestling thing. That was embarrassing. Show says that Punk should have brought up Show kissing Vickie Guerrero. Show tells Punk that he loves making people laugh. Show says that he does impersonations. Show does a Straight Edge Hogan promo. Punk says that was boring.

Show sulks a little and then Show says that Punk was being mean. Punk says that there is nothing ‘high’ about the straight edge society and that is what makes them better than Show. Show says he is not high, he is just tall. Show chops Punk. Luke punches Show but Show punches back. Show with a forearm to the back and then he clotheslines Luke over the top rope to the floor.

We go to commercial.

We are back and Did You Know that Monday Night Football wishes they have had more games than episodes of Raw.

Time for another Raw moment: Episode 450 in 2002 when Triple H returned from his quad injury.

Josh Mathews brings out Sheamus. Josh asks Sheamus about his match in three weeks, but Sheamus takes the mic. He says that it is a celebration tonight, except for one person, Triple H. He isn’t here because of Sheamus and Triple H is never coming back. Sheamus says that is why he is being punished by having to defend his title against five people. Sheamus wants to know how this is fair. He calls everyone a bunch of Plastic Paddys. He says that he is the only true Irish man. In addition to the match at the pay per view, he has to team with four of his opponents at the pay per view. One of his partners is Randy Orton, the man who tried to end his career. Sheamus says that this is discrimination.

Before the ACLU can come to his side, Edge’s music plays and he comes out. He says that Sheamus is giving him a headache fella. Edge says that since he debuted on Episode 265, he has been thrown into the Long Island Sound, had weddings broken up, had deranged ex-employees come through the crowd and attack him, and hit him with chairs. For everything that has happened to him, he has thrown back three times as many. Edge says that he has won 29 titles. He has won the Royal Rumble, King of the Ring, and Money in the Bank. Edge says that he will win the Six Pack Challenge. He tells Sheamus that he can go back to the lab with Dr. Bunsen Honeydew.

We go to commercial.

We are back with the WWE Rewind: Last week when the Six Pack Challenge was announced by the General Messenger via his spokesman Michael Cole and then the Barrett beat down and finisher-a-palooza.

Match Number Five: Edge, John Cena, Sheamus, Randy Orton, and Chris Jericho versus Wade Barrett, David Otunga, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, and Michael Tarver in an Elimination Match

Jericho and Cena have some words as Jericho tells John that he is starting. He will face Michael Tarver. They circle around the ring and then they lock up in the 900th main event on Raw. Jericho decides to leave the ring and he thinks about going back into the ring, but he walks to the back and gets eliminated.

Edge is the next to try to do something, or will he? He pushes the referee and gets disqualified.

Nexus get a good laugh while Cena decides to actually wrestle someone. Cena punches Tarver and sends him into the turnbuckles. Cena with an Irish whip and bulldog. Cena punches Tarver and he tags in Sheamus who attacks Tarver in the corner and kicks him. Sheamus with a short arm clothesline for a near fall. Slater tags in and Sheamus with forearms. Sheamus with a suplex for a near fall. Sheamus punches Slater and sends him into the turnbuckles. Sheamus with knees and they force Slater to the apron. Sheamus with an elbow to the throat and he throws Slater back into the ring and he gets a near fall on Slater.

Otunga tags in and he puts Sheamus in a side head lock. Sheamus tries for a shoulder tackle but Otunga stays on his feet. Otunga poses and Sheamus with a clothesline. Sheamus with another clothesline to Otunga. Sheamus kicks Otunga in the corner and Otunga with a hard Irish whip and he punches Sheamus. Slater tags back in and he kicks Sheamus. The referee warns Slater. Gabriel tags in and he kicks Sheamus and punches him. Gabriel tags in Barrett and he kicks Sheamus and punches him. Slater tags back in and he kicks Sheamus. Slater with a surfboard. Sheamus with a boot and Gabriel stops the Celtic Cross. Slater with a boot to Sheamus followed by punches. Sheamus fights out of the corner but Gabriel with a kick and Slater with Sweetness and he pins Sheamus.

Cena with the flying shoulder tackles followed by the Blue Thunder Bomb and Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena with the Attitude Adjustment and he pins Slater.

Barrett attacks Cena and he punches and kicks Cena. Barrett throws Cena to the floor and Tarver, Otunga, and Gabriel attack Cena before Barrett goes out to bring Cena into the ring. Before they return to the ring, Barrett slams Cena’s head into the announce table and he gets a near fall. Barrett kicks Cena and punches him. Gabriel tags back in and he hits a jumping back heel kick. Barrett punches Cena on the apron while Gabriel distracts the referee. Gabriel gets a near fall on Cena. Gabriel with a cross body into the corner for a near fall. Otunga tags in and he tries for a suplex and Cena blocks it and Cena hits a suplex of his own. Otunga knocks Orton off the apron to prevent Cena from making the tag. Cena puts Otunga in the STF and Otunga taps.

Gabriel hits a 450 Splash and he pins Cena. Orton with an RKO on Gabriel to eliminate him.

Tarver misses a Superman punch and Orton with an RKO to pin him. Barrett with the fireman’s carry slam on Orton for the three count.

Winners: Nexus

We go to credits.

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