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RAW REPORT: AN EPSENHART SPECIAL NEXT WEEK; RING STEPS HURT KOFI KINGSTON BUT NOT TRIPLE H; LEGACY ATTACKS KOFI "HORSEMAN STYLE"; THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED FOR JILLIAN HALL? MARK HENRY RESURRECTS IT AND KILLS IT AGAIN; CARLITO LIVES AND MAKES A REVELATION ABOUT HOW THE LOCKER ROOM SEES JOHN CENA; VERNE TROYER IS NO JEREMY PIVEN AS GUEST HOST

By Richard Trionfo on 2009-11-30 23:02:37
We are live from Baltimore, Maryland and your announcers are Michael ‘Vintage Old Bay Seasoning’ Cole and Jerry ‘These are the good type of crabs’ Lawler.

With the smallest guest host, we begin with the biggest man in the WWE, Big Show and he is joined by his tag team partner, Chris Jericho. Jericho talks first and they wanted to clear up some misconceptions. They want to wake everyone up from their ignorant bliss to clear up the fallacy that DX is the greatest tag team of all time. They are not the greatest tag team while the fans cheer them for their childish antics. They are here to deal with the facts and expose DX right now. He points out that they have been champions for four months and have beaten every team that has gotten in their way including Kane and the Undertaker. They won the titles on their first night of existence. Meanwhile, DX have been together since 1997 and have never won the tag titles. Show presents fact number two. He calls them frauds. They might be popular with their merchandise. When it comes to historic wins and sheer dominance, DX cannot compare to them. Show says that when they destroy DX, their merchandise will be useless outdated garbage, just like DX. Fact Number Three. They have 42 championships between themselves. Chris Jericho is the first Undisputed Champion. Show says that he is the only person to be WWE, WCW, and ECW champion.

Jericho wants to know if the fans can understand what Show is saying. Jericho says that they cannot be beaten. Nobody can combine their strength, ability, agility, and courageousness. In a normal match, anyone is at a disadvantage, but it goes to a different level when tables, ladders, and chairs get involved. Show says that his fist is a lethal weapon that has put out the greatest in the business. He reminds everyone that his fist has knocked out Triple H and Shawn Michaels. Show says that if he has a chair with him, his fist will be the last thing they see before going into a coma. Fact number four. Degeneration X has never been in a TLC match. They might have dealt with one of the elements at a time, but never with all three at the same time.

Degeneration X comes out to interrupt Jericho and Show without showing the champions any respect. Hunter says that Jericho and Show mentioned a lot of facts, but they forgot to mention that they are boring everyone to death. Hunter says that they might never have been tag team champions but nobody cares about Jericho and Show and they are the champions. Hunter says that they make history. DX has been at the forefront of every revolution in this industry over the last decade. They have amassed an army. The sea of green represents a worldwide army that believes in DX. It is not because of the jokes or the merchandise. It is because they all believe in the same thing. You grab life by the throat and you make it give you what you want. Shawn says that in two weeks in his home town is going to grab life by the throat and make history. They will be in their first TLC match, and they will win the tag titles for the first time. Shawn says that there is a special little bonus and Hunter lets us know that they will get rid of Chris Jericho from Raw. He reminds Jericho that he is on the Smackdown roster and the only reason why he is on Raw is because of the titles.

Jericho says that without him, Raw is nothing. Without him, the ratings go into the toilet and they will only be left with people like DX. Jericho says that they can gloss over it but he knows that it is eating them alive that they are not the champions. Jericho says that DX knows that they are letting their fans down because they are not champions. Jericho says that DX coasts on their reputation.

Hunter says that Jericho makes a lot of interesting points, but all he has to say that two weeks cannot come fast enough for him. He says that Jericho’s time is limited on the show so he wants to make every moment of Jericho’s time on Raw special. Hunter wants to wrestle Jericho tonight. Chris talks to Show and Jericho accepts the challenge. Jericho says that there is one condition. Jericho says that if he loses, he will face DX in a handicap match. If Jericho wins, Hunter will have to face the tag champions. Jericho tells Hunter and Shawn that he has four words for them: “I’m never leaving Raw”

We go to commercial.

We are back with the Slam of the Week: Michelle and Layla leaving the Cranberry Bowl match and the return of the Gobbledygookerette.

Josh Mathews is in the back with Maryse and Jillian Hall. She says that when Melina is walking around with her title, there is only one thing to do. She provided a Trojan Horse and Melina was the turkey.

Match Number One: Melina and Gail Kim versus Maryse and Jillian Hall

Melina and Maryse start things off but Maryse backs up and tags in Jillian before locking up. Melina wants Maryse in the ring and Maryse poses on the apron. Jillian with a rollup for a near fall. Melina with a monkey flip to Jillian and then she tags in Gail who hits a missile drop kick but Maryse breaks up the cover. Jillian with a side slam and she gets a near fall. Jillian tosses Gail across the ring by the hair and Maryse tags in. Maryse kicks Gail in the back and then she gets in Melina’s face instead of worrying about the person in the ring. Gail with a Japanese neck breaker and Melina is tagged in. Melina with a clothesline and drop kicks. Melina screams very loudly and then hits a running knee to the back followed by a spear. Jillian gets in the ring and Melina with a knee and then Gail with a flying clothesline. Maryse with an Irish whip and then Melina tries for the Banshee Code Red but Maryse holds on to the ropes. Maryse with a DDT for the three count.
Winners: Maryse and Jillian Hall

Cole and Lawler talk about the recent actions of Sheamus and we see footage of what he did to Finlay last week as well as winning the battle royal to become the challenger for John Cena’s title at TLC.

Sheamus is walking in the back as we go to commercial.

We are back and did you know that a lot of people from different places bought Wrestlemania 26 tickets.

Before our next match, Sheamus has something to say and Justin Roberts does not want to feel Sheamus’ wrath so he drops the mic on the mat. Sheamus answers John Cena’s question about why he should be taken seriously, it is because he put Cena through a table. Sheamus says that he just has to put Cena through a table and he has done it before. At TLC, he will become the new WWE Champion. Sheamus says that then Cena will take him seriously.

Santino has a few comments about Sheamus. He says that Sheamus must be focused on his match with John Cena because Sheamus did not mention him once. He wants to know if Sheamus is not afraid of him. He says that Sheamus is jealous because he has skin pigmentation and he can enjoy the sunshine. Santino says that Sheamus thinks he is coming after his Lucky Charms. Santino says that he is a two time Intercontinental Champion while Sheamus will still not be a champion after TLC.

Match Number Two: Sheamus versus Santino Marella

Sheamus punches Santino and then he kicks Santino before the bell rings and in the middle of his promo. Sheamus with a knee to the back. Sheamus with a short arm clothesline. Sheamus with a running double sledge to Santino. Sheamus with the bicycle kick to Santino. Sheamus gets Santino up for the Celtic Cross and the referee checks on Santino to see if there is a pulse. Sheamus goes under the ring and he takes one of the many tables under the ring and brings it into the ring. Sheamus puts the table in the corner and he hits a running slam through the table and Santino is not moving.

Big Show and Jericho are walking in the back and they talk about their idea. They see Verne Troyer on the phone. Show and Verne shake hands. Jericho tries to get Verne’s attention and he ignores Jericho. Jericho says that this is another guest host who is disrespecting him. Verne shakes Show’s hand again after Jericho leaves.

We go to commercial.

We are back and it is time for the guest host to come out. Verne is out on a chair under the TitanTron. Verne says that when he saw his friend Seth Green guest host Raw, it looked like a lot of fun. He mentions that he was at Summerslam and everyone was great to him, except for one person who was an irritating jerk. That person was the Miz.

Miz interrupts Verne’s comments and he asks rhetorically if he is inconsiderate. Miz says that he did not remember seeing Verne at the party. Miz says that if Verne thought he was annoying and inconsiderate, he wants to apologize. Miz pulls an Austin Powers and suggests making Verne ‘Mini Miz’. Verne wonders how Miz was not in either of the Jackass movies. Verne says that he is a better actor than Miz and he says that he is better with the ladies at Summerslam. Miz says that he has no problem kicking Verne between the ring posts.

Mark Henry comes out to protect Verne. Miz makes a ‘Fat Bastard’ joke and suggests that Verne should get in Mark’s belly. Miz says that Mark has no personality. Miz tells Verne that his fifteen minutes are up and then it is time for Miz to catchphrase. Verne says that he wants to go over to slap the grin off Miz’s face, but he will let Mark Henry do it tonight in a match.

We go to commercial.

Cody Rhodes comes to the ring but he is attacked by Cody Rhodes and Rhodes Irish whips Kofi into the ring steps. Cody is sent to the back by referees while another checks on Kofi.

Kofi enters the ring and the referee wants to know if Kofi wants to wrestle his match.

Ted DiBiase attacks Kofi from behind with a clip and he kicks Kofi in the hamstring and then slams Kofi’s leg into the apron. The referees send DiBiase to the back as Kofi writhes in pain.

The referee checks on Kofi and Kofi says that he is okay.

Randy Orton’s music plays again and he moves to the ring in a manner in which we haven’t seen in months.

Match Number Two: Kofi Kingston versus Randy Orton

Kofi hobbles in the ring and Orton goes for the leg and he kicks Kofi in the hamstring. Orton continues to attack the leg. Orton goes to the floor and he punches Kofi. Orton slams Kofi’s leg into the apron again. Orton sends Kofi’s leg into the ring post and then he returns to the ring and then he kicks Kofi while Kofi hangs over the apron. Orton stomps on Kofi’s chest and then he slingshots Kofi’s throat into the bottom rope. Kofi struggles to get to his feet and Orton with a kick to the chest. Orton with more kicks and the referee admonishes Orton. Kofi fights back but it is short lived because Orton with an RKO for the three count.
Winner: Randy Orton

After the match, Orton kneels over Kofi and then he puts Kofi in a front face lock while the referee asks Randy what he is thinking. Orton puts Kofi on the top turnbuckle. Orton with an IEDDT from the top rope.

We go to commercial.

We are back and Verne Troyer is in the office playing Raw vs. Smackdown 2010 with Montel Vontavious Porter. Mark Henry and Jillian Hall come in. Jillian says that it is true that Mark Henry has no personality so Jillian wants to sing a song. Montel says that Mark has a lot of personality but when he goes to the ring, he is all business. Montel says that Mark has a lot of personality outside the ring. Montel has Jillian sing so Mark can bust a move. Mark accidentally splashes Jillian and Verne suggests that Jillian might be dead.

We run through the card for TLC.

We see a sports car enter and John Cena emerges. He walks into a commercial.

We are back and John Cena makes his way to the ring. John has them stop the music. He reminds us that Sheamus put him through a table last week to make a statement. Cena wants to respond to Sheamus’ comments. He points out that he is still the WWE Champion and as the champion, even if Sheamus beats him, he gets a rematch. Cena says that if he loses, he will use his rematch at the TLC pay per view. He reminds us that he told Sheamus to be ready for war. No more waiting and no more talking. Tonight we go to war. Cena says that he will face Sheamus tonight for the WWE Title.

Carlito comes out and he has something to say. Carlito points out that he is not Sheamus and he doesn’t know Sheamus. He says that he does not like Sheamus, but he likes what Sheamus represents. He says that there is a locker room of superstars who hope that Sheamus beats Cena at TLC. He says that it is all three brands. He says that they are all tired of Cena hogging the spotlight. They are tired of the shirts, hats, and wrist bands. Carlito wonders why he isn’t in the spotlight. Carlito says that Sheamus is going to do to Cena what everyone wants to do. He will put Cena through a table and become the new WWE Champion. Cena might represent the people, but Sheamus represents the wrestlers. Cena’s reign will end at TLC.

Cena tells Carlito that he picked the wrong guy on the wrong night. Cena tells Carlito that his mouth just backed him into a fight that he wants no part of. If Carlito does not like him and the way he does things, he tells Carlito to step up. He tells Carlito if he makes one move, he will unleash hell on Carlito.

Carlito takes a bite of his apple and Cena punches him and hits the Attitude Adjustment. Cena throws Carlito over the top rope to the floor.

Sheamus’ music plays and he comes onto the stage.

Cena tells Sheamus that the same goes for him too. He tells Sheamus that if he wants some, to come get some. Sheamus takes a few steps towards the ring and then he decides to go to the back.

The Miz is walking in the back as we go to commercial.

We are back and Verne Troyer is back on his stool. Verne wants to bring out a few of his friends, Montel Vontavious Porter and Mark Henry. Porter says that the Miz says that Mark Henry has no personality, but it is time for some reality. Montel says that it is time for Mark Henry to rock the mic. Mark raps us into a commercial.

Match Number Three: Mark Henry versus the Miz

Miz with a punch and kicks to Henry and he continues to punch Henry in the corner until Henry pushes him off. Miz jumps on Henry’s back and Henry with a snap mare. Miz punches Henry but Henry with an Irish whip and clothesline. Miz with a clip to Henry followed by a boot to the head and he gets a near fall. Miz with kicks to the chest and then he puts Henry in a reverse chin lock but Henry backs Miz into the corner. Miz with an elbow and knee in the corner followed by punches but the referee pulls Miz out of the corner. Miz with the running clothesline into the corner and then he drops Henry on the top rope. Miz comes off the turnbuckle and Henry catches Miz and hits the World’s Strongest Slam for the three count.
Winner: Mark Henry

After the match, Henry goes to Verne and he gives him a fist bump. Verne says that they need to celebrate so it is time to bring out the ladies. The official guest host arm candy The Bellas are joined by Eve and Kelly Kelly.

Chris Jericho is walking in the back as we go to commercial.

We are back and the man who owns the network that airs Ring of Honor is your Raw guest host.

Degeneration X are in the locker room and Hunter talks about a dream that he had about having to go to Little People’s Court. Shawn says that he had the same dream. Hunter says that he is glad that they have nothing to worry about. Hornswoggle enters and he grunts something with subtitles. Hunter says that he speaks leprechaun and he says that Hornswoggle has nothing on them. Verne rides by and he tells Hornswoggle to sue him for everything they got.

Match Number Four: Chris Jericho versus Triple H with Shawn Michaels in a Who Gets to be at the disadvantage in next week’s Epsenhart Special Match

Shawn joins Cole and Lawler at the announce table.

Hunter with a kick and punch but Jericho goes to the floor on an Irish whip but Hunter follows after Jericho and sends him back into the ring.

Big Show’s music plays and he comes out. Jericho hits a springboard drop kick that sends Hunter back to the floor. Show walks past Hunter as we go to commercial.

We are back and Show has joined the announce crew.

Hunter punches Jericho in the corner and the referee pulls Hunter out of the way. Jericho sends Hunter over the top rope to the floor. Jericho sends Hunter into the ring steps. Jericho rolls Hunter back into the ring and he kicks Hunter and punches him. Jericho with a knee lift followed by a drop kick to the head for a near fall. Jericho with a side head lock and Jericho with punches. Hunter with the high knee followed by punches. Hunter with the facebuster for a near fall. Hunter with an Irish whip but he charges into a boot. Jericho tries for the Walls of Jericho but Hunter powers out of the attempt. Jericho with an enzuigiri for a near fall. Jericho with a bulldog and then he tries for a Lionsault but he lands on Hunter’s knees. Hunter with a kick but Jericho avoids the Pedigree and gets a near fall with a jackknife cover. Hunter punches Jericho but Jericho punches back. Hunter with a clothesline when Jericho tries for another clothesline but Jericho kicks out at two. Hunter with a kick and he sets for the Pedigree but Jericho counters with a DDT and he gets a near fall. Hunter with a vintage and classic spinebuster for a near fall. Show and Michaels get up and Shawn is sent into the apron and while the referee deals with Shawn, Show punches Hunter. The referee sends Show to the back and then Shawn Michaels hits Sweet Chin Music on Jericho and the referee sends Shawn to the back.

Meanwhile, both men are down in the ring. They both get up in time. Hunter blocks a Codebreaker but Jericho blocks a Pedigree. Hunter sends Jericho into the turnbuckles and gets the three count with a rollup.
Winner: Triple H

After the match, Shawn Michaels tells Chris Jericho that next week is his last night on Raw. Shawn asks for the two words.

We go to credits.

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