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THE GREAT WRESTLEHOUSE TURKEY DAY SPECTACULAR: IMPACT WRESTLING ON AXS TV THANKSGIVING REPORT

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  Now that you are in your turkey-induced half-awake state, Impact Wrestling on AXS TV presents Wrestlehouse 2: Electric Boogalou!

We open with a long recap of everything that happened during Wrestlehouse 1 and then the subsequent Demon wedding that saw John E. Bravo shot before it was revealed Taya Valkyrie was responsible and was taken off to Stamford Jail.  Well, I guess we'll see her paroled real soon....

The WrestleHouse 2 plot is that John E. Bravo has made a deal with Decay to get Johnny Swinger back in WrestleHouse because Swinger has been so down since losing his illegal casino.  Along for the ride, whether they or we like it or not are Alisha Edwards, The Swingerellas, Hernandez, Chris Sabin, Madison Rayne, Kaleb with A K, Robocop, ALF and even Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse.  Just kidding.

We are told there are seven days until Thanksgiving.  There has to be a food fight tonight, right?

Kaleb was excited about being on a reality series.  Swinger tried to leave but anyone who tries to exit was going to see their worst fear and he saw "the ghosts of rizats past."  Madison wanted out and Kaleb acted as if he was too, but he was already in the confessional room playing it up.

Hernandez wanted to know how long they were be.  Rosemary said they were going to be there as long as it takes for Johnny Swinger to be happy.  Everyone was shocked that was why.  Hernandez said that's going to take forever because of Swinger's lifelong bad decisions means that they could be here forever.  Rosemary said she was led to believe that just by bringing Swinger here, he would be happy.  Bravo said he thought everyone loved Wrestlehouse.  One of the Swingerellas said, "Not the dirtsheets."  I F**ing hate that term.

Madison wanted to know why they were picked to be here.  Crazzy Steve said it's because they are all his best friends in the world.  None of them really like Swinger.  Rosemary realized there was someone missing and they went to a slow motion shot of Chris Sabin coming out of the shower with sultry music as the women all gawked.  Everyone all went to find bedrooms.  Bravo said to Rosemary that he appreciates her doing this even if it's going to cost him his soul.

Jim Mitchell began narrating the as we went to commercial, promising a cold front was coming through.

It's now six days to Thanksgiving.  

The cast tried to figure out who Swinger was with in the past that made him happy.  Bull Nakano, Tipper Gore and Bob Seger's ex were mentioned.  Bravo said the last one didn't end well.

Kaleb encounters one of the Swingerellas, Riley, in a hallway and asks if she's ever modeled, but she's more interested in seeing Chris Sabin as he walks past them in slow motion, so that's going to be his gimmick here.  Kaleb bumped into him.  They got into an argument.  They are transported to the ring.

Chris Sabin vs. Kaleb with A K

The announcers are Jim Mitchell, Dr. Ross Forman and Sinn Bodhi aka the former Kizarny.

Sabin controls things easily with a series of armdrags.  Dr. Ross sounded like his throat had walked through hot coals.  Kaleb makes a comeback but is caught in a small package for a two count.  Kaleb locked on a double arm submission but Sabin escaped and nailed an ezniguiri.  He went for the Cradleshock, which again went back into slow motion, and Sabin scored the pin.

Your winner, Chris Sabin!

Kaleb asked if everyone was trolling him.

Back at Wrestlehouse, Johnny Swinger was doing Taebo, having been left alone accidentally.

Back at Wrestlehouse, everyone else is just enjoying the house while Madison Rayne is the only one who wanted to actually, you know, leave, as she's a mom.  Decay said they are preparing for their title belt that night at Turning Point.  Rayne isn't happy they can leave but she can't.  They said if anyone else had a match at the PPV, they'd be able to leave too. Out came Chris Sabin, shirtless, in slow motion.  Kaleb was sick of this and gave him a shirt.

Rayne and Alisha both want to get this over with.  Rayne wants out and Edwards wants to help Swinger.  They have a plan.  They put a VHS tape into a VCR and show old footage of the IPWF "territory" with footage of Downtown Daddy Brown (Willie Mack) vs. Julian (Ethan Page).  The story was Swinger and Brown were friends back in the day, so perhaps they can be reunited.  They grab Decay to transport Brown to the house.  

Hernandez and Bravo make Swinger come to the living room.  He and Daddy (having been transported here off camera) are both blindfolded and Brown is looking like he's an older man.  When they takes the blindfolds off Daddy calls Swinger a SOB and they almost go at it.  It turns out Swinger slept with Brown's daughter.  Swinger's defense was it was his step-daughter and she was 23.  They want to fight each other but it's 6 PM and Daddy goes to bed and he has the gout, so they'll fight in the morning.

After a commercial break, it is now five days until Thanksgiving.

Johnny Swinger vs. Big Daddy Brown

Swinger is stalling and doesn't want to fight.  Swinger tries for a right but Brown blocked and nailed him with several rights, hurting his own hip.  Even John E. Bravo is cracking up as the referee.  Brown is worked over but makes a comeback.  Swinger tried to come off the ropes but is nailed in the bread-basket.  Brown slams him into the buckles over and over.  Swinger is out on his feet and locked in a sleeper.  Swinger shoves Brown into Bravo, who gets bumped.  Swinger nails Brown with his own cane.  Oh the humanity.  

Swinger covers him but Brown kicks up.  Swinger tries to get something out of his fanny pack but Brown headbutts and splashes him.  Brown covers him for a three count.

Your winner, Big Daddy Brown!

Brown couldn't get up after dropping the elbow.

The Swingerella who has a crush Swinger checked on him.

They transport back to Wrestlehouse.  Big Daddy asked to be sent to a Perkins, so he's gone. 

Swinger is mad at Bravo for not helping him when he was the referee.  Alisha stands up for him, telling Swinger that he's just trying to help so that Swinger can learn to be thankful and happy and they can all leave the house.  Decay didn't want that to be said.  Swinger was unaware, but said that now, he'll never be thankful or happy and everyone is stuck here with him while he's going down the bowl.  Yes, it's a holiday tale my friends.

We are now about 45 minutes into this.  Yes, only 45 minutes in.  Happy Thanksgiving!

After a commercial, Sabin is playing a grand piano entertaining the ladies before Edwards asks how they are going to get out of this.  Madison says Rosemary could transport them anytime she wanted.  Madison says she wants to re-negotiate this deal with the devil.  She asks who wants to go home  - its Kaleb, Madison, Hernandez and Alisha.  Everyone else wants to stay, even Sabin.  Sabin says he loved Swinger's Palace and if he can do anything to help Swinger he will.  Bravo doesn't want to leave and they wondered why he'd work with Rosemary, given he got shot at their wedding.  Bravo said he has his reasons, as he's the one who started this entire mess.

It looks like the two sides are going to have a match but Alisha wants her husband Eddie Edwards brought to be on her side.  Eddie is zapped in and makes an entrance with everyone singing his theme song.

Decay & Chris Sabin vs. Eddie & Alisha Edwards & Kaleb with A K & Madison Rayne & Hernandez

Alisha told Rosemary she was leaving but was taken down and nailed with a series of punches.  Havok tagged in and they doubleteamed her.  Edwards sceambled to her corner, tagging out to Rayne.  She faced off with Havok, who spooked her.  Rayne tried to run away but was grabbed.  She nailed a headbutt and tried to whip Havok to no avail.  Rayne was sent into the ropes and drilled down.  Crazzy Steve tagged in but Eddie Edwards tagged in.  They fought back and forth.  Sabin tagged in as did Steve.  Steve was controlled.  Kaleb tagged in and psyched himself up only to find Black Taurus tagged in.  The women tagged in and set up a suplex spot.  Everyone else got involved but no suplex, just fighting.  Rosemary speared and pinned Alisha.

Your winners, Decay!

Kaleb told Swingerella Riley that although she counted the pin for the wrong side, she did a good job and could have a future as a referee.  They are building a Kaleb-Riley-Swinger love triangle.

Kaleb is hoping he can get a spinoff reality series.

Alisha had to explain to Eddie Edwards what was going on.

Rosemary noticed that Swingerella #1 has feelings for Johnny Swinger, so she wants to make Swinger jealous.  They need to speak to the Lord of the Manor.  

It's now THREE DAYS UNTIL THANKSGIVING.  

They went to see the Lord of the Manor and it's...we don't get to see who it is.

Eddie Edwards is bummed he didn't get to meet Downtown Daddy Brown.

Rosemary returned with the Swingerellas.  She said that she promises she is working just as hard as everyone else to get out of here.  Swinger walked right past them all to get a beer, wearing noting but his fanny pack.  Yeah, this was a visual I wanted to see.  Happy Thanksgiving!

To make Johnny jealous, Swingerella #1 says her boyfriend has arrived and it's LAWRENCE D, the alter ego of Larry D.  Bravo isn't happy as that's who shot him when he was under Rosemary's control.  Swinger burped and isn't phased by any of this and walked off.  Can I go with him?

It turns out this is Larry D's house.

Now that the entire cast is here, they play an opening theme.

AN HOUR INTO THIS????

Madison says they are never leaving.  Havok says they have to find someone to get through to Swinger.  Crazzy Steve says he knows just the person.  If it's Simon Diamond, I quit.

They come back and it's Locker Room Talk so Madison is reuniting with Johnny Swinger, who is completely miserable and has nothing to be thankful.  He said it isn't easy to be Johnny Parisi.  Rayne said they all have to be thankful he's fully clothed.  She said that she knows he's been in a slump but this will turn everything around for him.  He asks if it's Deborah Winger.  No, she introduces the lead singer of Kiss, Gene Simmons.

It's the Demon but Swinger loses it and thinks it's Gene.  Swinger said there's been a ham and egger impersonating Gene around here but Swinger knows this is the real deal.  Swinger said he sent the impersonator packing.  The Demon asked who it was.  Swinger said it was a fly by night guy named the Demon.  Swinger is asked why he keeps living this life of no consequences and he's completely miserable.  He's been everywhere and seen everything and what you want to find is a woman that you want to think about everywhere you go.  Swinger seems moved and says he has a lot to think about and walked off.  Rayne thanked the Demon, saying she thinks this might have worked.

Later, everyone is waiting to see if any of this snaps Swinger out of his funk and they can go home.  Kaleb wonders why anyone is trying to leave, saying they haven't even tried to enjoy the experience.  He says no one has even tried to use the confessional room.  The Edwards look at each other and we see a flashback to them getting it on in the room.

Madison showed up and said they can all leave as the plan worked as Swinger thinks it was Gene Simmons.  Johnny Swinger showed up and said he's been visted by the Demon himself, Gene Simmons and he's had an epiphany, dropping Kiss references aplenty.  All he needs is Swingerella #1 and wants her to become his one and only.  Lawrence D is upset.  Swingerella #1 told Lawrence he doesn't need to pretend anymore they are together.  He said he's not pretending.  Rosemary tried to intervene and stop D so they can go home, but Swinger said he's willing to be a man who fights for her honor.

Lawrence D vs. Johnny Swinger

They battle back and forth.  Lots of punches.  Swinger winds up but D drilled him.  D nailed an over the knee backbreaker.  D came off the ropes but Swinger got his boot up and D smashed into it.

Swinger pulled down the strap like Jerry Lawler and went into a series of punches but D sprayed him with something.  John E. Bravo went to count three but realized D sprayed him with Ring Rust, the perfume Rosemary entranced him with during Wrestlehouse 1.  Bravo took it away, allowing Swinger to toss powder in D's face and score the pinfall.

Your winner, Johnny Swinger!

Swingerella #1 came into the ring.  Swinger dropped to his knee.  He said that he's made a few mistakes in the past but doesn't want to screw this up.  He began digging into the fanny pack.  He pulled out a ring and she said yes.  Oh no, we're going to get the wedding of Johnny Swinger one day.  Swinger kissed her.

Rosemary said this is all fine but humans never read the fine print - no one is going anywhere until they get to the altar.

THE WEDDING IS TONIGHT?  Oh, what have we done to deserve this fine twist of fate my friends?

It's now ONE DAY UNTIL THANKSGIVING.

Eddie Edwards asked his wife why they can't just rush to the ceremony.  She asked him if he rushed on the biggest day of his life.  Edwards asked if she meant his match with Naomichi Marufuji.  That made me laugh.  She said that Swingerella #1 had to prepare for her big day.  Swinger walked by wearing a loincloth and said he had the runs as this is his fourth time down the aisle.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Hernandez was asked to be the best man.  Eddie wants to get drunk and have a bachelor party, but the last wedding he went to, he punched the minister, so Alesha wants him to behave.  He blamed Ace Austin for that, saying he was drugged.  Hernandez is still suspicious something is going on they don't know about with Bravo and Rosemary.  Kaleb has asked Riley the Swingerella to the wedding and she's happy about that.

Hernandez is getting ready for the wedding but PLOT TWIST, he overhears Bravo asking Rosemary why she doesn't just have her way with him and send everyone home since Swinger is happy.  She says that he knows a deal like this requires a ritual and the person who can handle that will arrive tomorrow.  The Gobbledy Gooker perhaps?  Hernandez says he knew it.  This was never about Swinger but about Rosemary trying to steal Bravo's soul and he's not going to allow it to happen.

Bravo says he is.  Hernandez is surrounded by Decay and they transport him to the wrestling room.

Hernandez vs. Black Taurus

Hernandez, still dressed for the wedding, asks what all this is.  Rosemary said they want to give him a chance to reconsider.  I'm reconsidering a lot of things at the moment, I have to admit.

Hernandez said she's trying to kill Bravo.  Bravo said it's complicated.  Hernandez said he's snitching this to everyone else but they don't let him leave.  Hernandez agrees to fight but is attacked from behind and stomped down by Taurus.  Taurus chokes him against the ropes.

Hernandez kicked Taurus low and nailed a slingshot shoulderblock into the ring.  He whipped Taurus into the corner, then splashed him for a two count.  Hernandez went for the Border Toss but Taurus broke free.  Hernandez gained control but Taurus slipped out again.

Decay distracted Hernandez.  Taurus nailed him with a chop block.  Hernandez's pants split.  He was rolled up and pinned.

Your winner, Black Taurus!

Rosemary hexxed Hernandez.  He said Team 3D was up to something and he had to go find Konnan and Homicide.  He wandered off.

Back at Wrestlehouse, Alesha Edwards encountered Hernandez.  She asked him what happened to his pants and asked if he was going to wear that to the wedding.  He didn't know what she was talking about.  She told him he was the best man at Swinger's wedding.  Hernandez asked if that was the guy from ECW and walked off chanting the letters.

We are over 90 minutes into this!

Bravo showed up and Edwards said she's had the weirdest experience with Hernandez.  She told Bravo everything happening was thanks to him and she walked off.   Bravo muttered, "Don't I know it?"

IT'S NOW THANKSGIVING DAY!

Bravo was having second thoughts but Rosemary was having nothing of it.  Once Swinger and Swingerella kiss, Bravo's fate is sealed.

Eddie Edwards heard it, so Rosemary hexed him and he was now drunk.

Kaleb showed up to pick up Riley the Swingerella for the wedding but Madison told Kaleb let's go and he blew off Riley and left.  She said that she thought Kaleb would never reject her and in slow motion, here comes Chris Sabin.  Sabin said that he saw what happened and it was wrong.  He said he's happily married but suggested they go to the wedding as friends.  She agreed.

Elsewhere, Hernandez tells Bravo that some blonde lady told him he has a hole in his pants.  He needs a new suit.  Bravo said he has one for him.

HERNANDEZ IS IN A TURKEY SUIT.

I repeat, Hernandez is in the Impact turkey suit as part of the wedding party.  I don't even know what to say at this point, but kudos to them for giving that throwback reference to longtime viewers.

WEDDING TIME.

Rosemary points her fingers at Bravo and acts like she's shooting him.  Havok says Bravo is clueless.  Rosemary says they just need the man to arrive and seal the deal.

It was Jim Mitchell.

He calls for bride and groom.

Mitchell presides over the ceremony.

Swinger's vows were that he's been with a lot of woman but the past is the past.  

Swingerella's #1 real name was Broomhilda.  Her vows were that she needed to confess her own mistakes.

The hexed, drunken Eddie Edwards showed up and nailed Bravo.  

Decay dragged him out.

Eddie tried to explain to Alisha something was wrong and Rosemary was behind it.  Hernandez realized it and said Rosemary is trying to kill Bravo, having regained his memory.

Her plan revealed, Rosemary said, "Oops we did it again."  Kaleb yelled Free Brittney!  Others followed suit and Chris Sabin said her conservatorship doesn't make any sense and she doesn't need it.  

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Rosemary said her plan was consensual.  Bravo wanted happiness for Swinger.  Swinger said he appreciates Bravo taking one for the team and wanted to through with the ceremony.  Swingerella #1 was horrified.  Bravo told them to go ahead because if Rosemary wanted his virgin blood, she'd need a time machine.  He said he wasn't a virgin anymore.

Bravo said this time he tricked her and now Swinger is happy.  Swingerella #1 said that's not true and said that she took Bravo's virginity.  Bravo apologized but Swinger popped and said, "Rule #2 in professional wrestling.  Never fall for a Rizat, Daddy."

He walked off.

Madison asked if they are getting out of here.

Rosemary said that they haven't sealed a deal.

Bravo suggests he and Broomhilda get married.  She agrees.  Jim Mitchell marries them.  Bravo kisses her.

We see the cast having Thanksgiving dinner together for their wedding reception.  Madison wondered if they would ever leave and if Swinger would be thankful.

Swinger gave a speech that he was thankful that Bravo showed him he could escape the ghosts of rizats past.  Swingerella #1 was happy she made the right choice.

When it came time to cut the bird, Swinger chased Hernandez with a giant pair of scissors.

Decay decided they will let the mortals have their fun and they will all leave after the meal.

Big Daddy Brown returned as Santa Claus.

Jim Mitchell narrated us off into the night as this demented Rankin-Bass special faded away.

Well, this was something.

It truly was.  Whatever you think of this, Impact swung for the fences and went all in and produced one of the most unique, strangest editions of wrestling television ever.  You either loved this or hated it, but like the Star Wars Holiday special, you'll never forget it.

Now, to all, a good night.

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