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CAMEOS, PARODIES, THE BONERYARD MATCH AND MORE: COMPLETE TALKIN' SHOP A MANIA PPV THOUGHTS

By Mike Johnson on 2020-08-01 21:09:00

Welcome to my live blog for the first-ever Talkin' Shop A Mania PPV on FITE.TV, presented by Gallows, Anderson and Rocky Romero!

We opened up with the three of them talking about the show on their podcast.  This is all Gallows' idea and he's pulled the other two into what they are promising is the worst PPV of all time.

Anderson pulled up to Gallows' house.  Rocky Romero was in the car seat in the back.  They walked to the backyard, where Teddy Long was standing there.  They asked him what he was doing.  He said he was there to get f***ing paid.  They walked behind an entrance curtain, then walked to the ring, set up in the yard, pointing out there was nowhere here and they were running in front of a pandemic.

They aired promos for the main event, a Boner Yard Match between Sex Ferguson (Gallows) and Chad 2 Badd (Anderson).  Gallows did a hell of an Undertaker impression.

Now all three of them are commentators as themselves at ringside.  Gallows said this was all his idea but he couldn't do it without the others.  They began breaking down who would win the Boner Yard Match.  Lots of cursing. 100% TV-MA territory here.

They went to their first match, a social distancing Battle Royal.  Freight Train and Jake Manning are in this, which is awesome.  Brian Pillman Jr. was in there.  Chavo Guerrero is on commentary.  One of the guys has ac collection of pool noodles and was beating people with them.  Freight Train put on a face mask before entering the ring and began tossing people out.    It was, as you might imagine, pretty bad.  One guy purposely did a flying bodypress onto everyone else and eliminated himself out.  Heath Miller came out dressed like Sting, billed as STANK.  Mike Bennett hit the ring and then tossed himself out of the ring.  They suddenly asked why Pillman didn't get an entrance.  It came down to MIcah Taylor from DEEP SOUTH WRESTLING and Pillman going back and forth until Freight Train clotheslined them.  Out came ALEX KOSLOV.  Where the hell has this dude been?  He was doing spots with a cigarette in his mouth.  Some guy in drag hit the ring and began beating Koslov with a purse.  They said it was his bearded mother.  Freight Train nailed her but ended up tossed.  Pillman was tossed as well.  Mom then tossed Koslov out.  Out came Chico el Luchador (Romero), who stunned the Mom and tossed them out.  He was announced as the Talkin' Shop A Mania 2020 Champion.  Chavo was burying Chico on commentary.

Gallows interviewed Alex Kozlov.  He said his return was special but his mother f***d.  His mom attacked him and chased him off.

Dave Penzer was going to introduce a contract on a pole match.  Teddy Long told him his announcing sucked.  POP.  Paul Lee, a forever and a day regular in the Southern independents, pulled up in a red Corvette that had WOOOO emblazoned across the windshield.  He's been doing the Nature Boy stuff forever in the Carolinas.  Lee alked from his car to the backyard to face Frankie Coverdale..    They had a shot of Maria Kanellis dancing and then it turned into an older, heavier woman they said was the referee's wife.    Lee did a long walk around.  He got winded just walking around the ring.  Lee did all the Flair stalling spots.  They locked up and Lee tossed from the ring and the momentum sent him running 1000000 feet towards a nearby pond...and that was it.

This is already the greatest and worst thing ever.    How long is this show?

They showed Chico El Luchador doing a promo about wanting to wrestle Chavo Guerrero.  Guerrero tried to shoot him with a shotgun.  Seriously.  Luchador said he'll wrestle Guerrero tonight if the Good Brothers can get the money.

We go back and Lee had a side headlock on outside the ring in the grass.  

The next match is a Little Person, Stump Kowalski vs. George North.  Yes, we have someone parodying George South.  What, George South would have turned down a booking?  This is a hardcore match. Kowalski used a Singapore Cane.  North grabbed him in a side headlock and dragged him around the backyard...

They plugged their sponsors including www.Highspots.com and www.ProWrestlingTees.com.

We go back and they are fighting past a pool, where The Rock N' Roll Express are sitting.  They fight past Lee and his opponent, who are STILL wrestling in the yard.  We see a fast forwarded version of the hardcore fight going through Gallows' house and the end up in a room where BRIAN MYERS is playing action figures with some kids.  They want use the Hasbro toys as weapons and Myers is aghast given what they are worth.   One of the kids kicked North, who went down and Kowalski began dropping elbows on him.

They went to a vignette where Scott D'Amore showed up and told Sex Ferguson he didn't need a new gimmick.

In the ring, Teddy Long announces a TAG TEAM MATCH, PLAYA!  It's the 80s Russians and they are taking on the Jungle Kittens.  Okay!  The Russians won after a short bout.  Teddy Long took the mic from Dave Penzer and said this isn't the 80s but the 90s.  He said they needed to get this right.  Out came Lodi, Sick Boy and THE YETI.   They realized the Yeti was in the wrong gimmick so they re-did the entrance after he ripped off the toilet paper.  They hit the ring and wiped out the Russians.  D'Lo Brown's came to the ring.  He cleaned house.  Then Rhino hit the ring and started goring people, because it was the 1990s.  Pillman Jr. came out.  They asked if he was Pillman Sr.  He nailed Air Pillman.  Chavo Guerrero came out with Pepe from his WCW run, the old Hobby Horse.  Glass broke and out came STONE COLD WILLIE MACK.  I  He nailed a bunch of stunners.  It ends with Chavo and Mack drinking a few beers.  Mack turned on him and nailed a stunner.    This was something.  If you wanted to see a bunch of wacky appearances, you are getting them here.

Karl Anderson tried to convince Scott D'Amore he needed a singles run and to ditch Luke Gallows.  D'Amore was on the phone with "Don" complaining about all this.

They joked the Hardcore match was so bad they might have cut it from the PPV and now they are talking about something that might not even be on the show.

Rapid Delivery Rory Fox!  Yes the same guy from MTV's I Am A Pro Wrestler documentary.  He said he was here for revenge against Matt Cardona.  They wrestled 11 years ago in New York and Matt ripped his trunks off in the middle of the ring and ruined his career.  Out came out Brian Myers instead.  He instead introduced Hornswoggle as SWOGGLE RYDER.   Fox actually did a great job at trash talking.  Swoggle controlled Fox and tried to rip his tights off (again) but was kicked into the corner and choked.    Myers nailed a clothesline, because why not.  They did a Rocket Launcher on Fox and pinned him.  They did a parody of the WWE cinematic matches with close-up shots that made no sense.  Swoggle defrocked Fox by ripping off his tights, leaving him in bikini underwear.  Fox rapidly ran off into the woods.   I wonder what Les Thatcher thinks.

They went back to the Hardcore match, where North was knocked down a slide into the pool by Kowalski.  On the other side of the pool, Lee was working the side headlock.

Chico el Luchador was working out in the ring, when Chavo showed up and tried to murder him by forcing the bar down on him.  Chico escaped and demanded a referee.  They began brawling.  Chico was tossed into and locked in a sauna.  They continued fighting with Chavo asking if he was back on the gas and retaining water because he was so strong.  This was a parody of every WWE hardcore match ever.  They stopped to pay respect to their grandfathers.  Guerrero pinned Chico and won the title.  He said that he was still going to kill Chico but not until after he went home with his title and have sex all over it.  Chavo tried to leave but was nailed by Chad 2 Badd and pinned.  They played it up like Badd won a gold medal.

This entire PPV is all the ridiculous crap that the guys do in locker rooms to entertain themselves but turned into actual silly matches on camera.

Back at the ring, NZO came out.  He said he forgot what he was going to say.  He said the show was a money hole and Gallows is going to lose every penny he put into this.  He started talking about the ridiculousness of the main event (which was taped "the night before") and gave away the finish.  He said he came here to lose money and that's what happened.  He's over time on his promo and he doesn't care.

In the woods, Lee had his headlock reversed on Frankie Coverdale.  This set up Miller, Myers and a few others showing up dressed like the Honkytonk Man hitting each other.  Penzer said, "The winner of the contract on a tree match....who really gives a f***?"

Chad 2 Badd vs. Sex Ferguson - Boner Yard Match

The only way to win is to throw your opponent in the "dirty hole."  That's a euphemism for sure.

They parodied AJ Styles' entrance at the Bone Yard Match except the Undertaker Druids dropped the casket.  The had a guitarist to sing in Ferguson.  Gallows drove in on a four wheeler.  They brawled.  Lots of cursing and funny lines.  Air Paris from WCW  showed up wandering in.  He got nailed and wandered off.  Badd asked who he was anyway.    That was ridiculously, needlessly funny.  Ferguson gave him a Stink Face.  Badd low-blowed him.  Air Pair returned to thanks them for the booking and said he was just trying to sell t-shirts.  Ferguson was tossed through part of the set .  Badd said if he had taken that bump in NY he might still have a job.  Mike Bennett told Ferguson he had to succumb to his demons to win and gave him pills.  Ferguson Hulked Up like Hogan.  Badd got knocked to the floor and began talking to "Uncle Alan" through an AJ Styles glove, which was attached to a mannequin arm.

Rapid Delivery Rory Fox returned, mad about his tights.  They teased throwing each other into a hearse.    Ferguson said to rest in feces.  He was sent into a "bone yard" graveyard and was done screaming.  Maria Kanellis showed up and danced with Badd as they played salsa music.  Ferguson nailed Badd.  He turned to Maria.  She said she was a mother now with two kids and asked what she was doing here with all you idiots.    Ferguson began beating Badd with the arm    They brawled past Myers and Slater, watching from lawn chairs.  Ferguson tossed Badd into a hole and was about to finish him off when Ricky Morton and Robert Gibson wandered in and asked "What are you jobless sons of b***ches" doing.

The Druids returned from the woods and surrounded Ferguson and Badd.  They looked at each other and said, "One last time."  They beat up the Druids and victorious videogame music played.  They argued over who did the most damage and started fighting again.  NZo tried to get a signed photo from Gibson and Morton at the gimmick table but ended up getting laid out through the table by Ferguson.  Ferguson and Badd marveled at the fight they had a gimmick table.  

Ferguson called for a stop of the match and saw Johnny Swinger, who he accused of stealing his gimmick.  He said that was Hugh Morris.  Ferguson demanded to know why all these people were here since they weren't booked.  They had more ridiculous back and forth fighting including the WORST karate fight moves in the history of Miyagi-Do Karate.  The All Valley Championship Tournament is canceled, folks.

They brawled into the Boner Yard's open grave.  A guy in a Chewbacca mask popped out.  Ferguson said to get that Ewok off his property and Badd nailed him.  They battled, in the most ridiculous, over the top manner, to the top of the hearse.  Ferguson nailed him with a tombstone. 

They flashed back to 2019 (Think Wayne's World) where they were going to sign with AEW.  They went to The Young Bucks' hotel.  They were given a number to sign.  They told the Bucks they had a big offer from New York and "The Pauls" wouldn't lie to them.  The Bucks said that if there was worldwide pandemic, they can't trust those guys.  They agreed and all chanted AEW.  The Bucks said they'll see them at Dynamite on October 2nd...but they got a text message from Triple H.  Anderson said it's so cool to get texts from HHH.  The Good Brothers said they had to take the offer.  The Bucks were pissed and superkicked them, calling them marks.  They said these marks will probably end up in TNA anyway and laughed maniacally.   End of dream sequence.

This woke up Ferguson and Badd, who sat up in a parody of Undertaker and Brock Lesnar, then commenced battled atop the hearse once again.  Ferguson was "thrown to his death" to the ground.  Badd pulled him up to a bonfire and said he was going to burn him.  Ferguson said he was sorry and asked him not to bury him.  Badd said he was ribbing and was going to bury him.  They parodied the Shawn Michaels-Ric Flair I love you spot.  Ferguson said he just wanted to be a babyface with a IC title run.  Instead, he was tossed into the hole.  Badd began burying him.  Ferguson said it wasn't his first time in a dirty hole and won't be his last.  Anderson admitted they should have just stayed in Japan and it was all his fault.

Badd said, "F U Sex Ferguson" and drove off in the FX4 as a parody of Undertaker driving off into the night at Wrestlemania 36.

Ferguson from the grave in a Jason Voorhees mask and said, "Let the torture begin."  A bunch of sparklers went off and he returned to the grave.

TO BE CONTINUED......MAYBE

Well, that was something.   If you want to see completely ridiculous Jackass meets Impractical Jokers meets the goofy stuff all the wrestlers do to pop themselves and keep themselves entertained on the road, you'll love it.  These guys had a chance to work through some issues stemming from the WWE release and I guess this was better than a psychiatrist!  However, if you are looking for 1985 NWA wrestling, move along please.  Move along.  This was a Jay & Silent Bob movie if it was a pro wrestling show.  I can pretty much guarantee there will be another, unless this completely tanks, because those who are fans of the podcast will absolutely eat this up, because they were in on the joke.

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