Want more wrestling news, rumors, and results? Be sure to visit PWInsider.com and PWInsiderXtra.com.
Welcome to the Impact...well, this week it's the Impact Provincial Wrestling Federation, and they sure are going all-out on this one. The show comes complete with an 80s-style opening, and Josh and Don are in gimmick with Josh having a big thick mustache and Don wearing an 80s style long blond hair and using the name Sexton Hardcastle.
We head to the ring where the announcer runs down the sponsor and officials, including the athletic commission, then we head to the ring for our opening match...
Rip Rayzor vs Rapid Delivery Pete
Rip Rayzor is Ace Austin in an 80s punk rock gimmick, and announced from the streets of Halifax. Pete is Rich Swann as a pizza delivery guy. Pete with a shoulderblock, and then he plays to the fans. Rayzor trips Pete with a drop down, then tries to stick his cigarette in Pete's face before raking the chest insstead. Rayzor with a side headlock takeover, Pete gets back to a vertical base and goes to a top wristlock, but Rayzor with a knee to the gut and a hiptoss. Rayzor punks Pete out with a boot shove to the head, then takes Pete down with an armdrag into an armbar. Pete fights his way out, but Rayzor with a full bodyslam and a cover, but doesn't hook the leg and Pete gets out at 2. Pete fights out again, and an armdrag and a dropkick turn this around real quick. Pete with a slam, and hits what can best be described as a People's big splash for the win.
Winner: Rapid Delivery Pete
This was a lot of fun to watch, and honestly, this is easily the least banged up either guy probably felt after a match in years.
We go backstage to the Iceman, our backstage interviewer, with Julian Cumberbun and Sonny Sanders (otherwise known as Ethan Page and Sami Callihan). Sanders is carrying a tennis racket, and Iceman wants Cumberbun's thoughts on his match tonight with Downtown Daddy Brown. Sanders says that Brown started a rumor that he and Julian are all blow and no show, but the truth is they're playing them all like instruments. After Julian sends Downtown Daddy Brown outta town, they're going for a couple of cheeseburgers...with extra pickles. The crowd starts a pickles chant, but Julian tells them the pickles are just for them. He also wants to make it clear to everyone in the audience tonight that this town would be nothing without the champ: no money, no women, and if he didn't have the strap, the pay window wouldn't be open for the boys in the back, so instead of booing them, they should be groveling at his feet for the house. Downtown Daddy Brown (aka Willie Mack) comes in, and Julian says that they have the loser leaves town match tonight, but even if Daddy wins the belt, he'll never have the lifestyle of Julian Cumberbun, so he can quit dreaming. Daddy says the people didn't pay their hard-earned money to hear him talk, and Julian can stick all those riches where the sun don't shine, and tonight, he's going to take his prize position and send him backing, because he may be from uptown, but he's gonna send Julian downtown. Sanders gets in his face and says they can do this like two good ol' brothers and get outta here because they don't want no violence. Sanders starts to walk away, then cheapshots Daddy with the racket and holds him for Julian. Daddy ducks and Julian knocks Sanders out, then Daddy lays Julian out and rips his suit off. This show is amazing.
We get a video package in traditionally 80s techno of the Deaners as the Hard Workers, a sort of Fabulous Ones knockoff.
We go back to the Iceman with Excessive Force, whom you might know as Fallah Bahh & D-Lo Brown. He tells them there's a new team in town, and that's the Working Men. Bahh says tick tock because the Hard Workers' time is winding down and they're about to breathe their last breath, and they'll do it the only way they know how. D-Lo tells Hard Work that hard work is not having shoes, but when the storm comes, they gets in their boats and sail away because THEY ARE EXCESSIVE FORCE. This is such a dead-on remake of 80s wrestling, I love it.
This leads us into our next match...
Excessive Force vs The Hard Workers
The Hard Workers weight is announced as "enough to drive the ladies wild" and are wearing top hats and suspenders like a good 80s territory babyface team. D-Lo and Bahh jump Cody before the match and hit a double falling headbutt. D-Lo hits a corner splash, then Bahh tags in to hit a series of big headbutts. Josh informs us that Hard At Work will be included in the new Impact Atari game coming out as Cody continues to take a beating. Cody slips out of a bodyslam, rams D-Lo into the corner, and tags in Jake, who is a house of fire as he goes to town on both opponents. Jake with a BIIIIIIG double clothesline, then bodyslams D-Lo, pulls the suspenders down, and dishes out a series of right jabs, blind tag to Cody, and Cody hits a sunset flip for 3 on D-Lo.
Winners: The Hard Workers
Classic TV match, complete with a postmatch attack from Excessive Force. They trap Jake in the middle of the ring and crush him with stereo avalanches, then D-Lo holds Cody while Bahh puts the hats on top of Jake and splashes him. Cody is distraught and Jake is doing the 80s epilepsy sell job.
Coming next week, it's...The New Wave! Or ass you might know them, Dave & Jake Crist with a surfer gimmick! They're hangin' ten and gettin' leis.
We're ready for our next match...
Johnny Swinger vs Buck Gunderson
Johnny Swinger is himself because he's already a rib on 80s wrestling. Very clever, especially when Don calls him a young up-and-comer. Swinger with a couple of back rakes and a corner clothesline followed by a strut and a backdrop. Swinger chokes Buck the Jobber on the top rope, then flexes for the fans. Buck gets the elbow up on a corner charge, pulls the strap down, and tries going up for the ten punches, but Swinger shoves him off and hits a Swinger neckbreaker for the win.
Winner: Johnny Swinger
Total TV squash, and Josh shows us our new technology we're debuting this week: an instant replay! Wow, groundbreaking stuff.
Frank the Butcher (aka Rhino) is here to chop through the competition, and when you're tired of playing in the minor leagues, come on over to IPWF. Don says Frank the Butcher is the most dangerous man in professional wrestling, and then we go back to Iceman, who brings out the Rough Riders, a new tag team here in IPWF. The Rough Riders bear a striking resemblance to Tessa Blanchard, Jessicka Havok, Jordynne Grace, and that other girl who's been doing jobs on Impact whose name escapes me. Tessa says they're gonna come on the fans like nobody's ever come on them before. They're taking over the town and the territory because they're as dirty as it gets and as clean as it comes. Jordynne says they stepped off the private jet this morning only to find out that they're booked in this gosh ddarn tomfoolery tonight, and they can't imagine that any men would want to step in the ring with them. Other Girl says there's nothing bigger than when the four of them get together, and they're the est wrestlers in this federation. Havok says it doesn't matter who steps in the ring with them because they're gonna ride right over them, and it's gonna be rough, and when they're done here, they're gonna go back to the Marriott, and they can call her the leader of the rat brigade because the tunnel of love is open all night long, DADDY!
The IPWF roster runs down their upcoming tour dates, then we head back to the ring for our next match...
Jazzy Fitbody vs Agnes Beerhart
Jazzy is Madison Rayne in an aerobics instructor gimmick, and Josh says she's doing something funny to his cigar. Agnes works a hammerlock, but Jazzy snapmares out of it as Sebastian Baker (aka Jimmy Jacobs in a fur coat) comes out to observe her doing aerobics-themed moves. She is distracted by Sebastian, and Agnes nails her from behind and tosses her across the ring by the hair a couple of times, then hits a suplex for 2. Jazzy and Agnes get a double hair bulldog one one another, and they're both down. Jazzy feels the energy from the fans to fire up and begin unloading with hard forearms, then she gets Agnes in a fireman's carry, does some squats, and does stair steps on her back. Jazzy goes to the second turnbuckle and hits a splash for the win.
Winner: Jazzy Fitbody
I think this should actually be Madison's regular gimmick. Sebastian Baker the Starmaker gets in the ring after the match and congratulates her on her amazing victory, and that's why he's had his eye on her for the last six months, but nobody's played hard to get like she has (she's doing squats while he talks). He offered her a contract and one week to decide, and now it's time. She can do favors for him, and he'll do favors for her, and he suggests she not say no because she'll get struck by some bad luck. The fans chant no, and she does squats while looking over the contract, and she signs it and hands it back to Baker, then kicks him in the ding ding, rips up the contract, and runs in place on the pieces before taking off to the back. Baker picks up the pieces of paper and screams that she'll regret this.
We go backstage to...well, another manager who is upping to ante for anyone who thinks they can bodyslam Kongo Kong.
Back to the ring for our next match...
Tim Burr, Jim Nasaium, Bill Ding & Ray Strack vs The Rough Riders
Tim Burr is Josh Alexander in a lumberjack gimmick, complete with the Big Josh axhandle with no ax. Nasium is Desmond Xavier ass a gym teacher. Bill Ding is Trey Miguel as a construction worker, who shaves with an electric razor on the way to the ring. Ray Strack is Zachary Wentz as a race car driver. Picture Bob Holly on coke. We met the Rough Riders earlier in the evening. Trey tells Tessa (aka Blanche Ardmore) that she's not wearing proper work attire, they do a back and forth and Trey stops the action to shave some more. Tessa superkicks him, and he tags out and rolls to the floor. Strack and Jordynne (aka Georgia Cobb) do a back and forth of their own, and Struck gets a schoolboy rollup for 2. Cobb with a shoulderblock or two knocks Struck into the corner for another tag, and in comes Nasium to face Mildred Moore. He takes her down with a single leg, blows his whistle, and does push ups. Nasium with a couple of leapfrogs and does some jumping jacks. Mildred gets a flying headscissors and a dropkick, and Nasium blows his whistle and tags in Burr to face Lady Bird Johnston, aka Jessicka Havok. Johnston gets Burr in a bearhug, Burr bites his way out and comes off the second rope with a double axhandle. She won't go down, so he goes to the top for a super double axhandle, and she finally goes down. Burr covers for 2, Johnston fires back, and Burr pulls the suspenders down and tells her to come on, then dishes out a hard chop of her own. Moore comes back in to work Burr over, picking him up in an electric chair, Burr slips out and tags in Strack, who superkicks all four opponents and hits them all with Stinger Splashes. Don says he needs to slow down if he wants to make it in this business as he covers Moore for 2. Strack to the top rope and misses a top rope splash, and Ardmore hits him with a hammerlock DDT for the win.
Winners: The Rough Riders
Don says that move was dangerous, like eating DDT. Josh says he might be on to something.
We look back at last week when another poor sap failed to bodyslam Kongo Kong, and then we go to the ring where Kong and the $300,000 Maqn are ready for another challenge. The $300,000 Man says that's chump change for him, but for all the poor saps here, that's life-changing money, so he wants to know who in the back has the cay-honeys to come out here and try. Out comes Mr Atlantis, and the $300,000 Man asks him if he has what it takes to bodyslam Kongo Kong. He takes his outfit off and he's jacked to the gills. He starts to pick Kong up, but Kong unloads on him with forearms and stomps him out before tossing him out of the ring. Suddenly, the music hits and out comes...MUSCLES MCGEE, THE PROUD CANADIAN! (Or as you know him, Brian Cage.) The $300,000 Man says the challenge is over, but McGee says he's not here for the money, he's here for the people. He holds up the Canadian flag and tells his fellow brethren of the north that he's gonna do it. He tosses the $300,000 Man to the floor, Kong attacks McGee, but McGee fires off some right hands and then bodyslams Kong. There we have it! Kong rolls out to the floor, and McGee grabs the bag full of cash, and more importantly, the Maple Leaf flag, which he holds up proud to his fellow countrymen.
Tommy Dreamer and his Ribera Steakhouse jacket says in two weeks, he's coming back to reclaim what is rightfully his. That son of a bitch Jack Tunney stripped him of his title because he piledrove his champion right in front of Vince McMahon, and slapped his son Vinnie Jr. He doesn't care if it's Rhodes, Race, Bockwinkel, Backlund, or the Funks, he's coming back to reclaim what's his, you EGG SUCKING DOGS!
We look back at last week when Moose used chicanery to get a cheap win byt faking a chairshot to himself.
We go to The Cockpit with Captain Joystick and Miss Mile High. He tells us to get ready to come on board and stay in an upright position. His guest is someone who caught him off guard and beat him last week, so he wants to bring him in and show there's no hard feelings: DJ 2 Large (aka Moose). He cuts DJ off before he talks to say we got it, he had a tough upbringing, but you don't measure a man by his wins and losses, but by the class they carry themselves with, and nobody is classier than Captain Joystick. He doesn't think rap is even music, you would never find a first class cabin that plays rap music. DJ says the Captain controls the world from the Cockpit, but he's been making music and platinum records for years. He raps about taking his girl on a trip around the world, and Joystick cheapshots DJ and declares that this flight has landed.
We go back to a month ago when Gama Singh threw a fireball at Cowboy Colt McCoy, known to us modern folks as Eddie Edwards. We follow up with an interview from three weeks ago when McCoy, with his eyes totally bandaged, says Gama did damage to every part of his eyes. The doctor said there's a 70% chance his vision will never recover, but there's a 100% chance he's coming for Gama Singh. He's farm strong, and farm strong cannot be stopped.
Blindfold Match: Gama Singh vs Cowboy Colt McCoy
Gama is accompanied by Dada Singh (played by Raj Singh). The Cowboy can barely see, but he's farm strong and is gonna do this. The ref puts the blindfolds on, and we're off. They stagger around the ring trying to find one another, McCoy uses the help of the fans to find Gama, but just misses him. Gama takes a wild swing and tumbles to his knees, but gets up as Dada Singh tries to grab McCoy's leg. Dada distracts the referee while Gama pulls the blindfold off, suckerpunches McCoy, and puts the hood back on before the ref sees. McCoy gets away and Gama shadow wrestles someone who is not there. Game walks backward and falls over McCoy, but rolls away before McCoy can nail him. McCoy finds anbd nails Dada Singh, then bumps into Gama, gives him an Ace Crusher (which Josh calls some kind of a neckbreaker) and covers for the win.
Winner: Cowboy Colt McCoy
This episode is just too much. I'm loving it. Iceman gets in the ring with Cowboy Colt McCoy and wants a couple of words with him, but McCoy says he's farm strong, BABY! This is what he does, and he does it for the people and the owrking man, for his mama, his wife, and...wait a minute, the Soviets (Michael Elgin and Madman Fulton) run in and attack McCoy! Scott D'Amore (playing the promoter) comes in to try and stop this, but the Soviets lay him out and put a Commie flag over the Cowboy. This is groundbreaking and terrible.
We come back from break to use that instant replay to see what just happened, then the Iceman is with promoter D'Amore, who says he put every penny he had into the IPWF, and he lost his $300 cigar. These guys come here and disrespect his Canadian culture, and he doesn't care what his doctor says, he's gonna lace the boots up one more time, take the chain he got from the Pope, and his Rolex watch off, and he's going to the ring with Cowboy Colt and send those Commies back to where they came from. Oh, and hot dogs and popcorn are half off at the concession stand for the rest of the show.
And with that, it's...MAIN EVENT TIME!
International Commonwealth Television Title Match/Loser Leaves Town: Julian Cumberbun vs Downtown Daddy Brown
Daddy is a steel worker from down the road, according to Josh. Daddy takes Cumberbun to the corner and breaks clean, but of course Cumberbun cheapshots Daddy, and yells to the crowd that this is why he's the champion. Daddy comes back with an atomic drop, and they do the see-saw in the ropes gimmick, finally knocking Cumberbun to the floor with a big right hand. Sanders is trying to fire his man up, and begs for his life when Daddy comes to the floor. Sanders goes to cheapshot him with the tennis racket, but Daddy sees him and chases him off. Page goes and hides in the crowd, disguising himself by wearting a hat and chanting for Daddy, who easily finds him, punches him in the face, and tosses him back into the ring. Cumberbun begs for mercy, but Daddy's having none of it, and he unloads on Daddy with some big right hands. Cumberbun distracts the ref while Sanders nails Daddy from behind with the tennis racket. Cumberbun is right on him like a shark, choking him and tossing him to the floor where Sanders puts the boots to Daddy while Cumberbun distracts the referee. Sanders tosses Daddy back into the ring, where Cumberbun gets a figure four with Sanders giving assistance from the floor. Don says this is why he's been advocating for a second referee for situations like this. The ref catches Cumberbun using the ropes and forces a break. They trade blows in the middle of the ring and Cumberbun comes out on top of that exchange. Daddy goes for a sunset flip, Sanders hangs onto Julian to keep him from going over, the ref kicks his hands off, and Daddy gets the pin attempt for 2. The crowd is going nuts for Daddy as Cumberbun keeps up the pressure, but Daddy dodges a corner charge and begins unloading with jabs and a big elbow smash. Daddy with a big elbowdrop and makes a cover, but Sanders puts Cumberbun's foot on the bottom rope at 2. Sanders gets on the apron, Daddy grabs him, but the ref gets distracted by Sanders and Cumberbun hits Daddy with the racket and covers for 2. Sanders holds Daddy, who moves when Cumberbun charges in and rolls Cumberbun up for 3.
Winner and NEW International Commonwealth Television Champion: Downtown Daddy Brown
Excellent main event, and the stars of IPWF come out to celebrate with the new champion and see Cumberbun out the door.
This show was a LOT of fun, I would actually love watching this every week. Definitely go out of your way to watch this if you didn't catch it first run.
Thanks for reading the Impact Wrestling Report here on PWInsider.com, I'll be back on Sunday to discuss Impact and more with Dave Scherer on the Stu & Pid Show! Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
If you enjoy PWInsider.com you can check out the AD-FREE PWInsider Elite section, which features exclusive audio updates, news, our critically acclaimed podcasts, interviews and more by clicking here!
Bang On Casino
