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By Stuart Carapola on 2019-04-13 12:26:00

Welcome to the Impact Wrestling Report here on!

We start off with our usual look back at last week's episode, then we head right to the ring for our opening match...

Moose vs Zachary Wentz

Moose takes Wentz lightly, and Wentz tries to use his speed to maneuver around the big man, but Moose just lifts him onto the top turnbuckle and slaps him in the face.  Wentz has better luck the second time around and catches Moose with a flying headscissors, then low bridges him to the floor and hits a moonsault off the apron.  Moose catches him, but Wentz slips out of his grip and rams him into the post.  Wentz dumps Moose back into the ring with some effort and connects with a couple of corner charges, but Moose returns fire with a corner dropkick, then a delayed version of the same.  Moose proceeds to dish out a beating to the now grounded Wentz, who tries in vain to fire back with some shots of his own.  Moose ditches Wentz to the floor and goes out after him, nearly tearing through his chest with a chop right in front of his friends.  Wentz escapes a powerbomb attempt by landing on the apron, but Moose sweeps his legs and Wentz comes down right on his face on the apron.  Ouch.  Moose tosses Wentz back in, but takes too long playing to the crowd, and Wentz takes Moose out with a dive.  Back into the ring, where Wentz connects with two corner dropkicks, a corner kneelift, and hits a twisting springboard crossbody on Moose for 1.  Wentz with a Tajiji springboard enziguiri, then goes to the top and comes off...right into Moose's arms.  Moose presses Wentz over his head, runs across the ring, and tosses him right on top of Xavier and Trey.  Moose tosses Wentz back in, but Wentz catches him with a series of kicks.  He tries a charge, but Moose pops him about 20 feet into the air into a stungun, then hits the spear for the win.

Winner: Moose

This was a terrific opener.  Moose is seriously one of the best kept secrets in this company.  He has gotten SO good.

Rosemary is backstage, and she's...SEETHING!

We talk about Rob Van Dam signing with Impact, then Melissa Santos is with Madison Rayne, who didn't get the result she wanted last week, but she came back here for the competition, and that's what she got.  She wants to be a six-time Knockouts Champion, but Tessa Blanchard walks in and says Madison is just like all the old Knockouts, and she's just like Gail because she's just trying to relive her glory days.  Madison says if she remembers correctly, she's 2-0 against Tessa, but if Tessa is feeling lucky, she'd be happy to face her again.  Tessa says to bring it on.

Josh and Don talk about stuff, then we head back to the ring...

Su Yung vs Rosemary

Rosemary comes out in her Darth Nihilus mask and attacks Su before the bell, then knocks out the undead bridesmaids when they try to interfere.  She takes Su down and hammers her with right hands, then kicks her off the apron, but the bridedsmaids catch her, so Rosemary gets a hanging choke instead.  Su dodges a corner charge and gets a half crab in the ropes.  Su continues working over the knee and takes out the dirty glove, putting it on and going for the claw, but Rosemary kicks her away.  Rosemary hits a Scorpion Deathdrop, and Su convulses as she pulls herself back up.  Rosemary is on the offensive, connecting with clotheslines and elbows before connecting with a running kneestrike for 2.  Su tries to go for the Panic Switch, Rosemary slips out and German suplexes Su, but Su no-sells and pops right up, so Rosemary spears her and now she stays down.  The undead bridesmaids jump up on the apron, and Kiera Hogan comes out to help clear them out.  Rosemary gets to the floor and yells at her to go away, and the bridesmaids jump the both of them as the ref calls for the bell.


Su is up in the ring as the bridesmaids throw Rosemary in, then Su gets the mandible claw while the bridesmaids hold Kiera and make her watch.  Su plants Rosemary with the Panic Switch, then the bridesmaids toss Kiera to Su for another Panic Switch.  The ring announcer announces Su as the winner for some reason.

We take a look back at United We Stand last week, then the GWN Flashback takes us back to Taylor Wilde pinning Angelina Love at the first TNA PPV in Canada.

We go backstage to Killer Kross as he joins Willie sitting on the steps.  He wants to know if Willie likes jazz, because there's something special about jazz because it's an improv, but also very deliberate.  Everyone in the band has to be a master at playing their instrument.  Another guy who likes jazz is his boy Richard Swann, and he's not telling him anything he doesn't know, but people are starting to say Rich is playing him for a fool.  Kross says the funny thing about music is that, once it's published, you can't change it, and that's why Mack ought to think about his future.

The Deaners are here, and it's time for no more smoking, and no drinking...maybe less drinking...okay, more drinking.

The North vs Jay & Broni

The North is Ethan Page and Josh Alexander, who were longtime tag partners before Alexander's return to the ring.  For the purposes of this report, Jay is the guy with the mask, and Broni is the guy without.  Jay tries outwrestling a giant guy wearing amateur headgear.  Makes perfect sense.  Broni tags in, and he's a lot closer to Alexander's size, but is quickly taken off his feet and then chopped across the chest.  Jay tags back in and connects with a series of kicks, but Alexander scoops him up in a fireman's carry and hits a sort of side Finlay roll.  Double team slingshot DDT on Jay, then Page tags in and hits Jay with a spinning side backbreaker.  Jay tries to lucha away from him, but Alexander catches him in an anklelock, then pops him up into a POWERBOMB OVER THE KNEE.  YEOWCH!  Jay finally makes the hot tag, and Broni gets a brief babyface comeback, but Page takes both of them out with a flurry of superkicks, then Alexander takes Jay out with a SICK dive through the ropes as Page hits Broni with a top rope elbowdrop.  Jay somehow manages to take them both out with a top rope dive, but that lasts seconds as the North unloads with a flurry of shots, then finishes him with a Burning Hammer into a spinebuster by Page for the win.

Winners: The North

Now THAT is an impressive tag team.  I saw them years ago before Alexander went away, but they seem even more on their game now than they did then.  Looking forward to seeing more of them.

Melissa is backstage with Gail Kim, who heard what Tessa said earlier, so she's going to go see Tessa since her match is up next.

The North are backstage, and Page says Josh Alexander woke up a part of himself that this company has never seen.  Alexander says they've been the best in Canada for far too long, and now they want tag team gold to prove that they're the best in the world.

Gail Kim joins Josh and Don for our next match...

Tessa Blanchard vs Madison Rayne

Tessa piefaces Madison a couple of times, then goes to mouth off to Gail, giving Madison the opportunity to fire back on Tessa and take her out with a sliding forearm.  Madison with a flying headscissors, then a lucha version of the same.  Tessa goes to the floor to yell at Gail again, once again setting herself up to get blindsided by Madison.  Back into the ring where Tessa middle ropes Madison and hits a running dropkick to the back.  Madison gets a couple of rollups for 2, but then Tessa deadlift suplexes Madison and locks her down with a chinlock.  Tessa tosses Madison to the floor, gets in Gail's face again, and goes back to clubbing on Madison with forearms.  Tessa hits a Codebreaker as we go to commercial.

We come back as Madison mounts a comeback, going punch for punch with Tessa and then taking her out with clotheslines and a dropkick.  Tessa catches Madison out of nowhere with Hertz Donut for 2.  Madison hits a crucifix bomb on Tessa for 2.  Tessa goes for her dad's slingshot suplex, but holds Madison up and does a second slingshot before dropping Madison and covering for 2.  Tessa puts Madison on the top rope, slaps her a couple of times, and hits a superplex for 2.  Tessa gets a chair from ringside, gets in Gail's face yet again, then goes into the ring with the chair.  That's enough to get Gail out of her seat to take the chair out of Tessa's hands.  Gail goes to the floor, causing Tessa to turn her back to Madison and get rolled up for the win.

Winner: Madison Rayne

There are nights Madison looks like she's having her first match, and tonight was one of those nights.  Tessa is mad that Gail Kim got all up in her business again.  Tessa goes and yells at Josh and Don, then storms off to the back.

Eddie Edwards and Eli Drake find Fenix and Pentagon Jr backstage and say they beat LAX, and now they want a title shot.  They discuss the matter when LAX runs in and attacks.  Drake guides Eddie away from this since it's not their fight, and the referees run in to separate the other two teams.

The Deaners are coming soon!

Melissa is backstage with Taya Valkyrie and Johnny Impact, who says he's the type of athlete who only comes around once a generation.  But Cage is the type who only comes along once in a millennium, so he should be champion, right?  The problem is that a dumbass as him also only comes along once a millennium.  The marks are stupid too, that's why they should form a stupid mark club and invite Jordynne Grace.  Taya says that Cage and Jordynne would make a cute couple, and then gets all in Melissa's face about it.  Which makes no sense if you don't know Melissa and Cage are an item in real life (they never mentioned it on Impact that I can recall).

We go to the oVe cam, where they hang out in some crappy area, smash shut, and ask each other if they pissed themselves.  Sami says this is where Swann grew up, and if it weren't for him, Swann would have lived and died here.  Swann is and always will be nothing, and at Rebellion, they're going to take his title, throw him out on the streets, and he will beat him within an inch of his life, not because they hate him, they love him and he's family.

Tessa is backstage complaining about Gail, and all she was going to do to Gail at Rebellion was beat her, but Gail just made it personal, and if that's the way it's gonna be, she can make it personal too.

Josh and Don talk about stuff, then we see Fallah Bahh backstage looking for something while goofy sitcom music plays.  He walks into a room and is startled by something, and walks off.  Scarlett finds him and asks if he was looking for her, and he wants to say thank you.  Scarlett says she's not done with him yet, because she'll be his partner next week since the smoke show has his back (which she affirms by slapping him on the ass).

Josh and Don talk abou stuff, and then it's...MAIN EVENT TIME!

Johnny Impact & Taya Valkyrie vs Brian Cage & Jordynne Grace.

Taya wants to start the match with Cage, but Jordynne steps in there and goes to town on Taya with her usual crushing power offense.  She absolutely decimates Taya with a series of charges into the corner, then hits a Vader Bomb for 2.  Taya goes for a tag, but Johnny jumps off the apron and tries leading the crowd to cheer Taya in support.  Someone's not going to Valhalla anytime soon.  We're at commercial.

We're back as Impact ducks and doges around Cage to connect with shots, does rattle Cage with a superkick, but Cage catches a second, picks Impact up and curls him a few times, then hits a fallaway slam without having to fallaway to do it.  Impact with a springboard crossbody, and Cage is in trouble as Impact fires forearms into the back of his head.  Cage recovers, destroys Impact with a flurry of moves, then nearly backdrops Impact into the next ZIP code.  Corner clotheslines rock the champion, who goes to the eyes and then scoots past Cage to tag Taya, bringing Jordynne into the ring to pick Taya up with a suplex, but Impact picks her ankle and lets Taya fall on top, giving Taya an opening to start putting the boots to Jordynne.  Jordynne finally dodges a corner charge, pops Taya up, and hits a sitout powerbomb that folded Taya like a wallet.  Impact tries to elbowdrop Jordynne, but she rolls past and makes the hot tag to Cage, who comes in and annihilates the champion with a flurry of power moves.  Cage iwth a corner forearm, leaping enziguiri, and hits a German suplex that sends Impact clear across the ring.  Impact escapes the F5 and hits the rolling neckbreaker for 2.  Impact hits the Tidal Krush, but Cage pops right up and hits a roaring clothesline.  The girls come in, and Jordynne wallets Taya with another German suplex, then takes Impact out with a dive.  Taya comes out of nowhere with a spear to Jordynne, but then Cage takes Impact out with a somersault dive.  Cage goes for the Drill Claw, but suddenly the referee clips Cage's knee, and Impact hits a running kneestrike to Cage's face and covers for the win.

Winners: Johnny Impact & Taya Valkyrie

Well, that was unexpected.  Cage isn't happy and grabs the referee, but Taya low blows Cage from behind, then Impact starts pounding on him with right hands.  Taya and Johnny put the boots to Cage before shaking hands with the referee, who enthusiastically raises their hands in victory before Johnny and Taya make out in the middle of the ring.

Thanks for reading the Impact Wrestling Report here on, I'll be back on Sunday to discuss Impact and more with Dave Scherer on the Stu & Pid Show!

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