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By Stuart Carapola on 2019-03-09 00:03:00

Welcome to the Impact Wrestling Report here on!

We start off with our usual video look back at last week's episode, then we're off to the ring for our opening match...

X Division Champion Rich Swann vs Ethan Page

This is not for Swann's title, as a fast paced start sees Swann using his speed to outmaneuver Page, while Page uses his power to ground the champion.  Page gets the better of that exchange, planting Swann into the mat with an inverted suplex for 2.  Now Page is on the offense, slowly picking Swann apart with hard hitting offense, including a back elbow that nearly knocks Swann into next week.  Swann blocks a series of charges with boots to Page's face, then lays him out  with a rolling blockbuster, and the tide has turned.  Swann sends Page to the floor and takes him out with a high velocity dive through the ropes.  Back into the ring, where Swann comes off the top with a frogsplash for 2.  Swann goes back to the top, Page "accidentally" knocks the ref into the ropes to trip Swann up, then slams Swann off the top and plants him with a Snowplow for 2.  Swann knocks Page loopy with a roaring elbow, Page does the same with a roaring Yakuza kick, and they continue trading blows, then trade superkicks, then Swann hits the Lethal Injection followed by a second rope Phoenix splash for the win.

Winner: Rich Swann

Good big man/little man match.  oVe comes out after the match and Sami has a mic.  Sami says that tonight is the night that Rich Swann finally joins oVe.  He says that Swann said it himself when he was the only person who came to visit him at the hospital: they are family, so let's put this all to bed, get ready to sell a bunch of merch, and put on the shirt.  Sami tosses the shirt at Swann, and he prepares to throw it back, but Sami tells him to wait, because family doesn't always get along, but they both know that family is EVERYTHING.  Sami awaits Swann's decision...and he hesitates...and hugs Sami.  Swann puts the shirt on as Sami introduces us to the newest member of oVe, Rich Swann!  Swann suddenly lays Sami out with a superkick, takes the Crists out with a double Lethal Injection, then flees the ring, tearing the shirt off on his way out as Sami is furious.

We head to the LAX clubhouse, where Ortiz and Santana ask Konnan what's up with their rematch.  Konnan asks if they want to get their asses kicked again, and they're in this predicament because of their big mouths.  He suggests they let him to their job and get this match, and LAX can do their job and watch the Lucha Bros tonight.

Josh and Don ask about stuff, then we see post-show footage of the investigative reporter asking Brian Cage how he feels after not getting the job done.  Referees come in and escort the investigative reporter out, Josh and Don talk some more, and it's time for a debut...

Ace Austin vs Jake Atlas

Austin uses his athleticism to outmaneuver Atlas, rolling under or through everything Atlas tries before catching him with high-impact kicks out of nowhere.  Atlas drills Austin in the face with a bicycle kick for 2, but Austin connects with a Tidel Krush for 2.  Atlas catches Austin out of nowhere with a pump handle driver for 2, but Austin with more kicks and a twisting enziguiri, followed by a modified curb stomp and a running blockbuster (which Swann just used as a transitional move in the last match) for the win.

Winner: Ace Austin

Solid debut, Austin is very athletic and is crisp with everything he does.  Looking forward to seeing more of him.

Rolando the investigative reporter is speaking with Johnny Impact and Taya Valkyrie via satellite.  Rolando says people are saying that Impact (who is wearing a neck brace) let Brian down, and Impact says he did, but this is what happens in the business, and he didn't plan to get hurt, but that's what happens.  Rolando asks why Impact didn't work through the injury, and Taya says they're talking neck fusion, and Rolando responds by asking what that means for Cage's title match, and whether Impact will be a man of his word.  Impact says he's as good as his word and will give Brian his title shot, even if the worst does happen and he has to leave.  Rolando says we just heard it: neck fusion, and Cage gets his title shot.

Reno Scum is backstage, and it took two years for them to get back here, and KM and Fallah Bahh ruined their return, but then made the mistake of turning their backs.  KM and Bahh better be prepare to be silenced by the violence.

Alisha Edwards comes out to the ring to thank Impact for showing everyone that anything is possible.  Her contract is expiring at the end of the month, and it gives her the perfect opportunity to ask what's next in her life.  Fans chant for WWE, and she says she enjoys coming out here week after week to hit people with kendo sticks and show us a good time, but maybe it's time for her to stay home and start a family.  The Desi Arnaz Hit Squad interrupts, and Rohit Raju says we're finally getting a woman out here making some sense.  He's sick of this women's empowerment garbage, the reason she's going home to be a mommy is that it's her job.  Singh says she is proving to be a very intelligent woman, because stepping away from wrestling isn't just what she should do, but every woman in the business, because the ring is no place for a woman.  Gama says women are supposed to stay home, cook food, clean house, and serve their men.  That's finally enough for Alisha, who slaps the taste out of Gama's mouth, and now Eddie Edwards comes out and gives the Babalu Boyz a Kenny massage.  Gama back off into the corner as Eddie stalks him, but Rohit and Raj jump Eddie and stomp him out in the corner.  Suddenly, here comes Eli Drake!  He slowly wanders down to the ring, climbs in to apparently join in on the fun, but then lays out the Desi Arnaz Hit Squad instead!  He plants both of them with Gravy Trains, and now he stalks Gama into the corner until he scurries out under the bottom rope.  Eli tells Eddie this is something for him to think about, then he hits the bricks while Eddie and Alisha stare after him and appear unsure what to think.

Rolando catches Brian Cage coming out of his room and says he looks a lot better than the last time he saw him.  Cage asks if he was the troll who snuck into his locker room and stuck a microphone in his face, but Rolando tries showing him the footage he taped with Impact, and Cage tells him nobody likes a s*** stirrer, shoves him out of the way, and walks off.

Eddie and Alisha Edwards are backstage arguing when Eli Drake comes in, and Eddie thanks him for helping out, but Eli says he's just out here trying to do what's right, and if Eddie wants to thank him, they can go for tag team gold.  Eddie isn't sure about that, but Alisha says he's seen him tag with a lot of people, but there's something here, and Eli is the last guy left willing to tag with him.  She's not even sure why she sticks around, and she walks off, and Eli says he knows he wants his hands on those guys, and he can make it happen next week against the Desi Hit Squad.  If it works great, and if not, they go their separate ways.  Eddie says he's got it.

The GWN Flashback takes us back to Not TLC between the Wolves, the Hardys, and Team 3D from No Surrender 2014, then Melissa is backstage with Killer Kross and Moose, who says this is a great day, and he pulled out his best sports coat just for Kross, who finds that impressive since he is a fan of Moose's fashion sense.  We have a bit of a crisis situation, because he and Moose aren't getting title shots, so nobody is, that's how it works now.  Impact wanted to roll the dice, and next time he sees him at Impact and he doesn't have a title shot for him, he's going to send him back to the hospital.  Moose says we'll know what happens if Johnny Neck Brace comes back without title shots, but tonight, he has a reservation at the best steakhouse in Vegas.  He gets grabby with Melissa, who shoves him and walks off.

The Rascalz are getting high backstage and arguing over whether something Wentz saw was a robot or a bear.  Xavier comes in with Kikutaro's mask, and Wentz thinks he took Kikutaro's actual face.  They make fun of Moose's Pepto Bismol pink jacket and crack up, then Wentz tells Xavier to give Kikutaro his face back because he can't breathe.

The Battle For Allie's Soul: Dark Allie, Su Yung & Undead Maid of Honor vs Kiera Hogan, Jordynne Grace & Rosemary

She's BAAAAAAAAAAACK!  Rosemary returns to the ring, and comes out in her Darth Nihilus mask to celebrate the occasion.  A brawl breaks out right at the top, as Allie and the UMoH get cleared out and Kiera unloads on Su with repeated charging clotheslines and kicks in the corner.  Rosemary is in, and Su quickly tags out to Dark Allie, who circles Rosemary and...tags in the UMoH.  Rosemary hammers UMoH down in the corner and gets the hanging leg choke.  Jordynne and Allie tag in, Allie cheapshots Rosemary, and Jordynne turns Allie inside out with a release German suplex before crushing her with a back senton.  Kiera comes in with a senton of her own for 2, but the referee is distracted by Rosemary and Allie hits Kiera with an Ace Crusher for 2 as we go to commercial.

We're back, and Kiera is still in deep trouble.  Jim Mitchell is ringside with Su Yung's team, by the way.  Kiera finally makes the hot tag, and it's Rosemary and Allie!  They are quickly joined by everyone else in the match, but Su accidentally mists the UMoH, Rosemary dumps Su Yung, she spears the UMoH, and that's all she wrote.

Winners: Rosemary, Kiera Hogan & Jordynne Grace

And now Rosemary has reclaimed the soul of Allie, around whose neck she puts a collar to S&M drag her to the back as Jim Mitchell and his Harem From Hell are powerless to intervene.

Glenn Gilbertti finds Konnan backstage to complain about his treatment here, and Konnan says Don Callis wants to make him a mascot, and tells him to go cut a promo on Don and he'll watch his back.  Glenn goes into the room behind Konnan and tells the "bald son of a b****" to stand up so he can kick his ass, and of course it turns out to be Killer Kross. Disco backpedals, but Kross beats him up anyway.  He gets his bell rung so bad that he (and I swear I am not making this up) imagines he's hearing Vince Russo brag about the numbers he drew when he wrote for Vince McMahon.  Glenn bursts into another room and goes "Hey, Vinny Ru!" but it's only his imagination.  He then thinks he sees "J Double" but it's the company doctor.  He finds "Matt, Nick, and Cody" and asks if AEW has an opening for him, but it's of course other dudes.  Glenn finally finds Scott D'Amore, and after verifying it's really him, D'Amore tells Glenn that Don is busy doing commentary.  Glenn thinks that must mean he's supposed to go do commentary, and out he comes!  This may have been one of the most insane segments I've ever seen in my life.

Glenn complains about his treatment backstage as Josh excuses himself to introduce Scarlett Bordeaux.  He says we've been waiting for a long time for her in-ring debut, reminds us about the talent search that ended with Scarlett choosing to represent herself, so he asks why she chose herself, and who else she thought had potential?  She says none of the men seemed able to concentrate on winning matches, she he asks who had the least potential of all the entrants, and she says probably Disco Inferno.  Glenn walks into the ring as Scarlett apologizes but says it was funny, though.  Disco says all Scarlett has done for six months is come out and walk around, and she's the hottest star in the business, but now she wants to wrestle?  We know what will happen if she tries to wrestle, she's gonna suck, because women's wrestling hasn't been any good since they had bra and panties matches, and since we don't do those anymore, there's no reason for her to wrestle.  Scarlett says men like her have told her her whole life how to act, talk, and dress, but she has a message from all the women to all the misogynists out there...and then she slaps him.  He thinks she can't wrestle because he's bigger and stronger than her, but she thinks she can kick his ass.  Disco is incredulous, and says this women's revolution thing is causing her to act irrationally and say crazy things.  Maybe the Desi Hit Squad was right, and his advice to her is to go home for a week to her husband, go shopping, buy groceries, cook food, wash dishes, and do the laundry, and then after doing all that when her head is in the place where it needs to be and she still thinks she can kick his ass, she won't have to look very far to find him.  Disco walks off, and Scarlett tells him that he might think she's just a woman, but next time she sees him, she'll make him her b****.  I don't think I've ever had to asterisk out so many words in a show in my life.

We go outside the building, where Rosemary is dragging her new pet outside and tells Kiera Hogan and Jordynne Grace to go home like they agreed.  Kiera refuses because this isn't Allie, just the dark shell her soul used to inhabit.  She said she promised to be here until the end, but Rosemary tells "Firefly" that she is out of her depth, and this is the end for her.

Melissa is backstage with Tessa Blanchard, who will face Jordynne Grace for a title shot at Against All Odds.  Tessa says she didn't get what she wanted, because there's no excuse for why she's not still the Knockouts Champion, which she would be if it weren't for Gail Kim.  Impact management looks out for themselves, so she'll look out for herself, and if she has to beat Jordynne Grace for her rematch, she will, because she always gets what she wants.

Josh and Don talk about stuff, then it's...MAIN EVENT TIME!

Impact Tag Team Champions Pentagon Jr & Fenix vs The Rascalz

Slow start, at least until Xavier hits a sneak superkick on Fenix, handsprings off the ropes, and avoids a shot from Fenix.  That only lasts fora second until Fenix and Pentagon bewilder him with a flurry of offense, and then give Wentz some on the floor for good measure.  Xavier is getting zero offense as the Lucha Bros hit a series of double teams, including a wheelbarrow splash for 2.  Xavier fights back with right hands to both men, rams Fenix into Pentagon, and leaps off of Fenix's back to tag in Wentz.  Wentz with a flurry of kicks to Fenix and an enziguiri, knocks Pentagon off the apron, and hits a handspring kneelift on Fenix for 2.  Wentz mocks Pentagon for zero fearo and goes for a brainbuster on Fenix, who blocks it and flattens Wentz with a chop.  Pentagon comes in, rams Wentz into Xavier, gets dumped to the floor, Fenix dumps Wentz, and Fenix goes to the top, but Wentz leaps from the floor to catch Fenix with a palmstrike, then elevates Xavier OVER THE RINGPOST and onto Pentagon and Fenix.  Pentagon rolls back into the ring, Wentz hits a senton, Xavier hits a twisting top rope senton, and the referee has to hang for like 20 minutes on the three count to give Fenix time to break the pinfall attempt.  Xavier and Fenix trade shots in the middle of the ring, Pentagon superkicks Xavier, Fenix leaping spinkicks Wentz, Pentagon and Fenix hit the superkick/Pentagon Driver combo on Wentz for the win.

Winners: Pentagon Jr & Fenix

Fun main event, and Xavier and Wentz looked good and competitive here.  Konnan is waiting for Pentagon and Fenix behind the curtain, and Pentagon is glad to see them because he wants them to tell LAX not to mess with their masks.  Konnan says this is what he was worried about, he didn't want them to get upset with each other, but LAX wants their rematch.  Pentagon says it's too soon, and Konnan says he's not asking them, he's telling them, and the next time he sees them, he expects a date for their title shot.  He leaves, and Pentagon wonders why they have to listen to him as we call it a week.

Thanks for reading the Impact Wrestling Report here on, I'll be back tomorrow to discuss Impact and more with Dave Scherer on the Stu & Pid Show!

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