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By Stuart Carapola on 2018-09-06 21:55:00

Welcome to the Impact Wrestling Report here on!

We start off with the usual look back at last week's episode, then we head to the ring for our opening match...

Rich Swann vs Petey Williams

Matt Sydal comes out before the match to join the broadcast team to help everyone awaken and open their third eyes.  Feeling out process to start, and a quick exchange leads to a near fall for Swann.  Petey goes for Oh Canada, but Swann sits up and hits a spider suplex.  Match is even until Petey gets an elevated flatliner.  That only lasts a moment until Swann mounts a comeback and hits a Lethal Injection for 2.  Petey gets a sharpshooter, but Swann gets to the ropes.  Petey with the spinning Canadian legsweep for 2, but Sann comes right back with a running shooting star press for 2.  Swann with a cross-legged driver for 2.  They go to the floor where Swann hits a spinkick to Petey's jaw, then comes off the apron with a 450 splash.  Back into the ring as Sydal gets up to head to the ring to give Swann some guidance.  Swann is distracted as he goes up top and misses the Phoenix splash.  Petey hits the Canadian Destroyer for the win.

Winner: Petey Williams

Not what I would have expected from these guys, match was quite disjointed and seemed to go from one spot to another to kill time until the screw finish.

Austin Aries and his entourage are in the parking lot, and they're...WALKING!  And way overdressed for Florida!

Matt Sydal finds Rich Swann backstage to convince him to let him lead him, but Swann tells him to shut up because he doesn't need his guidance or his third eye, and tells him to stay away from him.

Josh and Don talk about stuff, then we go back to the ring for our next match...

Desi Arnaz Hit Squad vs Plutonic Love

Plutonic Love is, of course, the team of Grado and Joe Hendry, who wrote a catchy new entrance music their team is now named after (by me).  Plutonic Love dominates the early minutes, a cheapshot from the illegal man briefly turns the tide, but Grado fights his way out and makes the hot tag to Hendry for some babyface house cleaning.  Hendry picks them both up and hits a double fallaway slam, then Grado hits a corner avalanche, and THE STRAPS COME DOWN!  Grado misses a corner cannonball, Raju takes Hendry out, and a high knee/sky high combo takes them to the babalu.

Winners: Desi Arnaz Hit Squad

Katarina and Joe Hendry are incredulous at ringside, and Katarina gets a mic and gives Grado a tongue lashing after the match, calls him a loser, and says he doesn't love him because he loves Joe Hendry.  Katarina goes for a big kiss on him, but Hendry shoves her away and says that Grado is his best friend, and he's disappointed, but Grado's not the problem in this situation, she is.  Katarina slaps him in the face and storms away while Hendry goes to check on his best friend.

We go backstage, where Joe Hendry is telling Grado that he's mortified and should have seen this coming, and Grado says he's sorry he ever doubted him, then they take turns telling each other they they're the man, then they hug it out.

The GWN (not the Global Wrestling Network any longer, apparently!) takes us back to Lockdown years ago when Bully Ray revealed himself as the President of Aces & Eights, won the TNA World Title, and revealed his wedding to Hulk Hogan's daughter Brooke was a sham all along!  MWAHAHA!!!!

Video package of Su Yung, who is apparently now targeting Tessa Blanchard, the new Knockouts Champion.

KM and Fallah Bahh find Scarlett Bordeaux to profusely thank her for getting their team on track, and she says that's what happens when you listen to the Smoke Show, but then she says she loves men with power, who take whatever they want with confidence, and she would do anything for a man like that.  She runs her fingers down their chests, then leaves with Bobo in tow.  KM says there may be something to that, and he leads Fallah Bahh away.

Eli Drake comes to the ring to talk to the dummies, and he wasn't impressed with Trevor and Caleb, he wasn't impressed with the dummies from last week, but he's feeling adventurous tonight, so he decided to look for somebody who can impress Eli Drake and wants to face a former World Champion.  Out comes Stone Rockwell, whom Josh informs us has a Twitch show.  Drake has him introduce himself, so he does.  Drake tells him not to become a victim of his own ambition, and asks what kinds of adventures he has.  Rockwell starts to tell him about something I don't get, but Drake cuts him off and tells a referee to come down to ringside to give him his shot.  Well, looks like we have a match...

Eli Drake vs Stone Rockwell

Drake hits Rockwell from behind, hits the Gravy Train, and finishes it quick.

Winner: Eli Drake

Well, there wasn't much to that, but Drake was hilarious humoring this guy.

Alicia Atout bursts into Austin Aries' dressing room to try and get the skinny on Moose's actions last week, but Aries kicks her out.  Alicia leaves, but now Alisha Edwards comes in and goes off on him for turning his back on Eddie after everything they went through together.  Aries calms the situation down and decides to take his crew to go cool the situation off, and Aries tells her he's sorry about her husband.  Alisha flips and throws something at the door as it closes.

Knockouts Title Match: Tessa Blanchard vs Su Yung

Both ladies go for an early finish, and both fail to score that quick win.  Su gets the filthy glove and goes for a mandible claw, but Tessa sees it coming and bails out to the floor.  Tessa comes back in and is quickly obliterated by Su, who bites her in the corner and then straight up Beell tosses her across the ring, then does it again.  Tessa slips out and gets a seated variation of the Indian deathlock, but Su rolls over and gets the mandible claw.  Tessa fights her way out and gets a butterfly lock, rolls onto her own back, and the ref counts 2 on her before she releases.  Tessa with some power offense, and a hard short clothesline gets 2.  Josh points out that the undead bridesmaids aren't at ringside as Tessa goes and gets a chair, and the referee takes it away, distracting her long enough for Su to hit a baseball slide, slap Tessa into the chair, pull her shirt off, and bowl through Tessa with a rolling senton off the apron.  Su gets 2 back in the ring, then chokes Tessa with her boot in the corner.  Su drags Tessa to the top rope, but Tessa catches her with a top rope Ace Crusher, and Su convulses on the mat as Tessa crawls over and makes a cover for...2!  We're at commercial.

We come back as Su goes for a Panic Switch, but Tessa slips out and hits the hammerlock DDT for the win.

Winner: Tessa Blanchard

Good match, but weird seeing Su playing the babyface.  The undead bridesmaids come out after the match with a casket that they set down, open, and walk away. Su attacks Tessa from behind, gives her the Panic Switch, and drags her up to the casket and throws her inside.  She closes the lower half, but then Allie and Kiera Hogan run out and fight her off, double superkicking her off the ramp.  They help Tessa out of the casket, but she shoves them off and says she doesn't need any friends.

We go to a swanky restaurant where three old men, who are apparently the shadow leaders of the criminal underworld that LAX and the OGz run in, have brought both Konnan and Eddie Kingston in to discuss recent events.  They said the violence is getting to be too much, especially now that a kid got involved.  Konnan says that there is a code where kids and families are off limits, but Kingston doesn't follow that code.  Kingston says this is ridiculous since every one of them did whatever it took to  take over, and he did no different.  The village elders talk it over, and decree that there will be a cease fire until October 14th in New York City, and it will end there when Konnan and LAX face Eddie Kingston and the OGz in a six man tag.  Konnan says he created a monster and he's sorry, because he should have taken Kingston out a long time ago.  He sticks his hand out to King, who laughs it off and walks away.  This angle is getting ridiculous even by Impact standards.

oVe vs Zachary Wentz & Two Guys Whose Names I Didn't Catch

The Crists take the other two to the outside while Sami goes to work on Wentz, and then Wentz fights back and we do an "everyone takes turns hitting dives" sequence.  Wentz comes intpo the ring and eats a bicycle kick and hard clothesline from Sami, then the Crists come in and work the other two guys over.  oVe hits a triple team cutter on Guy #2 for the win.

Winners: oVe

Straight up squash.  Sami gets a mic and tells us that the best trio walking this planet today is oVe.  There's another pawn to this game of chess, and that's Brian Cage.  If Cage wants to stick his nose in their business, they will never, EVER forget, because they're from Ohio.

Austin Aries, Killer Kross, and Moose come out to close the show.  Aries says everyone wants to know why Moose is standing here next to Killer Kross and himself, and he hands the mic to Moose to explain it for himself.  The fans inform him that he sold out, but Moose says Eddie Edwards has everyone fooled, because he walks around like he's crazy, but he's a graud and he's going to expose him.  Eddie called him when he was going through issues with his wife, when he was in the hospital with a broken face after Sami Callihan kicked his ass, and when he had an issue with Tommy Dreamer, but when Moose was in the hospital with a concussion, Eddie was nowhere to be found.  The only man who came to see him was Killer Kross, and Kross asked how it felt to be abandoned.  Moose got a phone call not long after that, but it wasn't from Eddie, it was from Aries, and he said that Moose is a five star athlete and Mr Impact Wrestling, but he'll never be the #1 guy in the company if he caters to the idiots in the crowd.  Moose thanks Austin for being the truth, for being the Greatest Man Who Ever Lived.  Aries thanks Moose for listening to reason, and now he has the smartest man in the business leading the way, they have the baddest man in wrestling, Killer Kross, backing him up, and now everything has changed in Impact because nobody is safe, and nobody is taking that title from around his waist.  Out comes Johnny Impact, who says he thought Kross would be more ambitious than just being a bodyguard.  Aries asks why he's here, because he looks the part, but Aries IS the part, and that's the difference between them.  Impact says he was so excited over everything they all just said that he forgot to mention that he's the guy who will face Aries for the title at Bound For Glory.  Aries tells his guys to step back because they don't have to wait until Bound For Glory, but Impact says he's seen this one before and knows Aries is planning to have his guys jump him.  If Aries is tired of people on Twitter calling him a turd-cutter, he can come out to the ramp.  Either that, or stay in the ring and prove that the banana in his pocket is as small as everyone thinks it is.  That sets off Aries, who comes out to the ramp and eats a superkick, then Impact drills Kross and Moose with superkicks as well.  Aries clips Impact's knee from behind, and NOW we get the 3-on-1.  Kross gets the straitjacket clutch and Aries gets a figure four as Moose puts the boots to Impact.  Security runs out and is promptly laid out, then they give Impact a chair necklace and bash it with another chair.  Why...that's how they took Eddie Edwards out!  Aries tells Impact there's no heroes here, and Impact writhes in pain on the floor as we call it a week.

Thanks for reading the Impact Wrestling Report here on, I'll be back tomorrow to discuss Impact and more with Dave Scherer on the Stu & Pid Show!

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