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By Stuart Carapola on 2018-05-03 21:55:00

Welcome to the Impact Wrestling Report here on!

We start off with a video package looking back at what happened last week, then Eli Drake comes to the ring for our opening promo.  He told Scott to take the night off because he has his freaks and he's working on his peaks, but he's standing here with the tag title and a contract for the World Title.  He talked about the possibility of him exercising his rights and becoming a two-time Impact World Champion, then some banana-eating idiot and some guy he doesn't even know what he was saying came out to interrupt him.  When it comes time to take that title, he's gonna take it, and he's gonna tell Pentagon right now that he has one week.  He's calling his shot and saying he only has a little bit of time until...oh wait, here comes Pentagon Jr now!  They go face-to-face, then they make angry gestures at each other, then Pentagon says something that gets bleeped out and then holds the belt up as the segment ends and both men clear out.

We go to Josh and Don who run down tonight's lineup before sending us to an interview McKenzie conducted earlier today with Kiera Hogan.  Kiera says she had her first match on PPV and lost, but she won't dwell on it.  The name of that PPV was Redemption, but she wants a rematch, and...Tessa Blanchard comes in and says that Kiera's first PPV should be her last, and girls like Kiera always come in second to her because she's better.  Kiera says Tessa can do what she always does and sit there and watch while she beats Taya Valkyrie tonight.

Grado is back and has a reunion with Grado, who says he's bagged himself a lady, and Park wants to see a picture, but Austin Aries comes in and says it's nice to see Park for the first time since that whole ring announcer debacle, and the DDP Yoga has obviously been working wonders for Grado.  He wants to reassure them that everything's fine here even though Pentagon took his other World Title, then Grado offered him whatever it was he was eating, but Aries slaps it out of his hand and hands him a banana.  Aries walks off, and Grado says he knows where he'd like to stuff that banana.

To the ring for our next match...

oVe vs KM & Fallah Bahh

If you recall, this match is KM's way of making up his fat shaming to Fallah Bahh.  The Crists jump KM at the beginning of the match, but he takes them both out with a double clothesline, then tosses Jake across the ring by the head.  Jake dodges a corner charge and Dave catches him with a leaping enziguiri from the outside, and now KM is in trouble in the oVe corner.  He plays...well, let's call it heel in peril for a quick bit before reversing a double suplex attempt and suplexing both Crists.  He makes the hot tag, and Bahh comes in, wipes both Crists out with a double clothesline, does "NO NO NO!" and avalanches both Crists in the corner.  He hits a double steamroller on both men, then KM does one of his own for good measure before doing the BAHH BAHH BAHH headslap.  They do another pair of steamrollers and high five each other, but the Crists knock KM to the floor and neutralize Bahh with a flurry of kicks.  Jake rolls Bahh up with a schoolboy for the win.

Winners: oVe

Quick and fun match.  The Crists clear out and KM gets in the ring and sticks his hand out to Bahh, who shakes it before walking off...and KM smiles and laughs as he walks off.  That was SINISTER, was it not?  Could KM be playing Bahh for a fool?  Never!

McKenzie is backstage with Moose, who says he's been a top player in the NFL but never won the World Championship.  The same has happened to him since he's been here, but he's Mr Impact Wrestling, and 2018 will be the year he wins World gold, the year he becomes Impact World Champion.  Jimmy Jacobs comes in with a smile on his face to say he loves it, but wants to know why he wants to say that, because they last guy who called himself Impact around here- Jimmy never finishes, because Moose grabs him by the collar and lifts him off the ground.  Jacobs calmly says he just wants him to meet Kongo Kong in the ring.  Moose says to tell Kong to bring his big ass if that's what he wants, and sets Jimmy down a little less than gently before walking off.

Taya Valkyrie vs Kiera Hogan

Taya spears Hogan right off the bell and hammers her with right hands, then tosses her across the ring by the hair.  Hogan dodges a corner charge, but Taya turns her inside out with a hard clothesline.  She stands over Hogan asking her what she's got while slamming the back of her head into the mat over and over.  Hogan dodges a double stomp and hits a series of clotheslines and a superkick.  Hogan blows a flying headscissors, but Taya is nice enough to sell it anyway.  Hogan curb stomps Taya's face into the ring steps, but the match is interrupted by the entrance of Tessa Blanchard, who comes down to ringside and starts a fight with Hogan.  Tessa sidesteps a charge and Hogan runs herself into the post, then Tessa picks her up and gives her another shot into the post and one into the ring steps.  Tessa rolls her into the ring so hard that Hogan bashes into the apron and falls back out.  Tessa rolls her in a second time and hits a hammerlock DDT and then plays to the crowd.  She looks SO much like her dad.  Guess we'll call this...


The participants in tonight's six man tag are backstage, and they're...STANDING AROUND TALKING!

Video package hyping the immensely talented Brian Cage, then we see clips of a four way match from Australia where Brian Cage annihilated three guys I don't know.  After that, we go directly to...

Drago, Aerostar & El Hijo Del Phantasma vs DJ Z, Andrew Everett & Desmond Xavier

Well, they all take turns doing one implausible flippy dippy move after another, with the added insanity of DJ Z's annoying horn thing going off after each of his highspots.  Then they do the dumb "everyone in the match applies a submission hold at the same time" spot.  Then they all take turns hitting dives to the floor.  Then we go to commercial because OF COURSE this match needs two segments.

Okay, we're back just in time for more spots that are not only implausible, but highly choreographed looking as well.  DJ Z suddenly hits a leaping super DDT on Aerostar for the win.

Winners: DJ Z, Andrew Everett & Desmond Xavier

It was just like every other flippy dippy lucha six man I've ever seen.  DJ Z also has the most irritating entrance music in history.

Austin Aries runs into Eli Drake backstage and says things got a little out of control last week, but Drake made his decision and cashes in next week.  He's going to do what nobody did for him, and that's wish him luck.  Whoever wins, that title is coming back to him, but he's rooting for Eli because he knows he can beat him.  Aries leaves, and Drake calls him human trash.

Matt Sydal and Taiji Ishimori are backstage, and they're...WARMING UP!

KM is backstage telling Fallah Bahh not to worry about what happened tonight, he should worry about the future and follow his plan for the future, including the way he works out, the way he eats, and the women he dates.  Well, that gets interrupted because some chick in the back is yelling for help, and the creepy music starts as the camera zooms in and shows us that some backstage goon was laid out and had a red card with a black X left on his chest.  IS IT THE RETURN OF ACES & EIGHTS????

Josh and Don run down next week's card, then we go to the latest from...Eddie Edwards.  He's at the police station, and takes a cell phone out of a plastic bag.  He tries to make a call, but it apparently won't go through.  Tommy Dreamer shows up in his car and tells Eddie to get in because he has something he needs to explain.

X Division Title Match: Matt Sydal vs Taiji Ishimori

Feeling out process to start, but Ishimori uses his speed to outmaneuver Sydal and hit him with a springboard vertical drop.  Sydal rolls to the floor to break the momentum as we go to commercial.

We're back as Ishimori is working Sydal over in the corner, but Sydal gets a rollup out of nowhere for 2 and then fires off kicks to Ishimori's knee.  Sydal gets a modified Muta lock, Ishimori gets out, and Sydal hits a sliding German suplex.  Ishimori mounts a babyface comeback, hits a charging double knees in the corner, dumps Sydal with a slam, and hits a springboard double stomp gets 2.  Sydal goes right back to the knee, but Ishimori gets his knees up on the standing moonsault, hits a rolling Samoan drop, and a charging kneestrike to the face gets 2.  Sydal avoids the 450, Ishimori rolls through, but Sydal catches him with a superkick, then a fireman's carry into a detonation kick for another 2.  Ishimori avoids the Sydal Press, hoists Sydal up, and hits the Tombstone lungblower.  Ishimori goes back to the top, but takes too long and Sydal hits a spinning backfist and the Chemical Imbalance II for the win.

Winner: Matt Sydal

Sydal is SO on fire.  Great match.

Tommy Dreamer is on a couch saying that after all the wars he's been in, Eddie's the first guy he ever had to bail out of jail.  Eddie tells Tommy he's not his father, but he has to go and he has things to take care of.  Dreamer tries to tell him it's 2018 and he got arrested for something that can ruin his career, but Eddie's already gone.

Allie is backstage telling Rosemary she'll be there for her tonight, but Rosemary tells her no.  Allie protests because she's her friend and teammate, but Rosemary says to stop and makes Allie promise not to go down to that ring tonight no matter what she sees or what she thinks is happening.  Rosemary says that's not what they want, that's the way it has to be.

We go to the LAX clubhouse, where Santana and Ortiz are mad they have no titles, shipments, paper, tequila, and girls.  Santana says they need to figure out what is going on and what they have to do.  Next week, if they lose to these scrubs DJ Z and Andrew Everett, what are they worth?  Ortiz says it ain't gonna happen, and Santana says they're gonna figure it out.

And now, it's...MAIN EVENT TIME!

Su Yung vs Rosemary

Su jumps Rosemary during her entrance, but Rosemary gets the early advantage and rams Su into the steps and then the ring apron, then a timekeeper's chair, then another.  Su drills Rosemary with a palmstrike to the face and hits the Panic Switch on the floor.  Rosemary is in big trouble right away,and the referee runs off as the lights go out, the music hits, and out come the dead brisdesmaids with a coffin in tow.  Su beseeches them to come forth, then Su convulses her way around to the coffin and glares at Rosemary...and suddenly Allie TOTALLY BREAKS HER PROMISE and runs out to attack Su.  She rams Su into the ringpost, but winds up arguing with Rosemary, who tells her she needs to go before it's too late, but Allie says she's not leaving her.  Su motions for the bridesmaids to grabs Allie, and they...well, they take Allie captive as Su drills Rosemary with a running kick to Rosemary's face.  The bridesmaids make Allie watch as Su stalks Rosemary, who pops up and gets a kendo stick, and Su backs up the ramp away from her, but Su mists Rosemary in the fae as she approaches, spews more mist, then gives Rosemary a Panic Switch off the ramp and through a table on the floor.  YIPES!  Allie is desperately trying to get to her friend, but is powerless against the bridesmaids.  Su convulses over to Rosemary, picks her up in a fireman's carry, and dumps her onto the ramp.  She motions to the bridesmaids to come drag Rosemary down the ramp, and just as Elizabeth helplessly watched the Macho Man being bitten by Jake Roberts' king cobra, Allie is helpless as Su has the bridesmaids open the coffin and then Su herself dumps her in and closes the lid to close the show.

Thanks for reading the Impact Wrestling Report here on!

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