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STU'S VIEWS: LOOKING AT THE LURID TALE OF HULK, BROOKE, SUNTAN LOTION, AND TWITTER, AND ALSO THOUGHTS ON GERIATRIC VINCE AND HIS BROKEN HIP

By Stuart Carapola on 2013-01-30 11:41:19
Welcome to a special midweek edition of Stu's Views! It's been a pretty interesting week so far because, amidst all the fallout from the Royal Rumble and the start of the road to Wrestlemania, there have been some rather bizarre things going on that I just didn't feel like I could pass up the opportunity to write about.

Let's start with the family that just keeps on giving, as Brooke Hogan and Bully Ray went on the Buckethead Show yesterday and talked about the picture of her legs that her dad tweeted a few days ago. Brooke basically said that a fan took the picture, her dad liked it and, and since Hulk is totally inept when it comes to computers (something we've all suspected for a long time now), he decided to put it on the internet for all the world to see.

Let's start there, because as a guy with a daughter myself, if I saw people taking suggestive pictures of my daughter, my first reaction wouldn't be to go "Hey, that's awesome! Let me put it online so EVERYONE can check her out!" Granted, I think I'm a lot more conscious about the perils of internet privacy than Hulk apparently is, but I still feel like that'd basically be me giving my blessing to a bunch of sleazy pervs to lust after my daughter, something I think we'd all feel a little uncomfortable with.

Brooke was then asked about another infamously creepy picture of her and her dad, the one where he is rubbing suntan lotion on her ass. Her story on that one is that, once again, everybody's blowing it out of proportion because she was drinking a margarita and was too lazy to get up, so she asked him to rub oil on her. In her mind, there's nothing wrong with it because he used the back of his hand and it's not like he grabbed her private area or anything like that.

Being the intrepid wrestling analyst that I am, I went back and looked at the pictures (there were a few) of that incident, and I can assure you that he was indeed using his palm in most of them. In fact, the only picture I saw where he was using the back of his hand was the one where he did get perilously close to the private area. As far as the margarita comment, even if we put aside the fact that she was under 21 at the time the pictures were taken (which happened to be about a year after the John Graziano incident), she appeared to be face down on the pool chair and, unless she had her straw going between the straps on the chair, she sure didn't look to me like she was drinking anything.

And then you had poor Bully Ray, who tried vehemently to sell the wedding angle even after the hosts repeatedly pressed him for specifics like when they were married since Aces & Eights jumped them before they were pronounced. On the one hand, I'm glad he's finally getting a real main event singles run, but on the other hand, I really wish it didn't have to involve the Hogans because they have a bad habit of treating their friends as if they're superfans.

Just look at how Sting has had to throw something to the effect of "because you're the greatest of all time, Hulk!" into literally every promo he does with the guy, even when they're enemies. He's turned into a modern day Brutus Beefcake, and it's ridiculous to watch someone who could have been the biggest deal ever in WCW (before Hogan cut his legs out from under him) playing that little yappy dog that hangs around with Spike in the Looney Tunes cartoons. I really hope they've been faking us out and this is all leading to Bubba eventually turning on the Hogans and revealing that he had just been messing with their heads all along, because he's way too good to wind up as another Hogan crony.

Speaking of old men whose grasp on reality seems to slip a little further away each day, Vince McMahon did an injury angle where they're selling that he suffered a broken hip after taking the F5 from Brock Lesnar on Raw. This injury required surgery, and will likely lead to Triple H facing Lesnar in a rematch at Wrestlemania to defend the honor of his father-in-law in much the same way he did for his wife when he fought Brock at Summerslam.

I think doing an injury angle on Vince makes sense if that's how they want to set up a Brock-Triple H rematch. I liked the first match, I figured they'd do a rematch, and I want to see it happen. The only thing I thought was weird was that, of all the things they could have done to Vince, they chose to give him an old man injury like a broken hip.

Just to remind everyone, this is the guy who booked himself to have competitive matches with Steve Austin, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Hulk Hogan, and the Undertaker. The genetic jackhammer. The CEO who loves finding reasons to take his shirt off on TV so everyone can see how good he looks. the guy who "tore both quads" at Royal Rumble 2005 and was walking around backstage by Wrestlemania. In other words, an incredibly vain man who seems obsessed with defying age to prove what a bull he is every chance he gets.

After years of this bluster, I would have thought they'd have at least come up with some other kind of injury like broken ribs, internal bleeding, whatever. I never thought I'd see the day Vince booked himself to suffer a broken hip, and while I don't think this is a sign that his next storyline will have him as a fall risk or anything like that, I considered it as uncharacteristic as if the Undertaker showed up at Wrestlemania wearing tie-dye.

That's it for today, thanks for reading and you can send all feedback to stupwinsider@gmail.com!