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We are live from Portland, Oregon and your announcers are Jerry ‘The Scorpion King’ Lawler and Michael ‘The Tooth Fairy’ Cole.
We go to footage from last week when we saw CM Punk and Daniel Bryan win one and a half falls thanks to the battling bickersons known as Teddy Long and John Laurinaitis.
Before we get our rematch, Chris Jericho makes his way to the ring and he has something to say. Jericho wonders if Punk is looking for someone else. He says that Punk has a big match but he has something more important to say. He says that Punk is an amazing performer but he is not as good as Jericho. He is not the best in the world at everything he does and Punk knows it. Jericho says that he never had to call himself the best in the world because the people said it for him. He never had to write it on the back of a t-shirt. It is because he is part of a special breed of performers. He is part of a literal dying breed of performers who traveled the world to hone their craft before coming to the WWE. A breed that cared more about having the best match on the show instead of politics. He is part of a breed that was given nothing and took everything. He got a chip on his shoulder and a bad reputation because of that. He did not care because he knew that he was the best.
Now Punk is a maverick and rebel who went against the grain and became more than what anyone thought he would. That is because Punk wants to be like him. He says that Punk is a Chris Jericho wannabe. He says that Punk plagiarized him.
Punk says that he thinks that everyone is sick of listening to him. Punk says that he knows how good Chris is and the fans know how good he is. Punk says that he has never plagiarized anything in his life. He fought for everything he earned. Punk says that there is a guy he remembered watching when he was younger, and Jericho probably watched him too. Bret Hart said that he was the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Punk wonders if Jericho invented Canadians or Canada.
Jericho says that it oh so typical with the smarmy and sarcastic behavior. Jericho tells Punk that he has to take him seriously because it is a whole different level than before. Jericho says that it is not a gimmick. He has proven it for the last 22 years.
He says that he has faced every legend, Hall of Famer, and future Hall of Famers. He has had classic matches that will be legendary after they are both gone. Jericho says that he is proving that standing in front of them is the best in the world at everything he does.
Punk says that Jericho keep saying that and he sees Jericho’s inflection and body language show inferiority. Is Jericho trying to prove to the fans or to Punk that he is the best or is Jericho trying to prove it to himself. Punk says that Jericho’s confidence is replaced by jealousy. Punk is someone who came from the same background, but Punk has passed him.
Jericho may have beaten Rock and Stone Cold in the same night to become the WWE Champion, but he was never the man. He says that Jericho has a Napoleon complex and the blame is solely on Jericho. Punk says that he is the best wrestler in the World. Punk says that this is how he was born and this is what he does. Jericho chooses to leave, write books, host radio shows, be on game shows and become a rock star. Punk is swimming with sharks while Jericho is Dancing with Stars.
Jericho says that when he was Dancing with Stars and killing it on the Tonight Show, there was only one thing he could think of was CM Punk ripping him off every night. Jericho says that all of those January 2nd vignettes, the verbiage, and the blinking jacket is window dressing. He came back for only one reason. To embarrass Punk on the biggest stage and win the WWE Title at Wrestlemania to show that he is the best in the world at what he does.
Punk says that was all that Jericho had to say. He didn’t have to jump him. He only had to make the challenge for Wrestlemania. This is the time that people point at the sign. Punk will point to his belt. He does not need Chris Brown and Jericho doesn’t need Mickey Rourke. Punk does not need something to spell out how awesome he is. Punk says that he also doesn’t need a lite brite jacket to show who is the best. Punk says that they could have the greatest wrestling match in history. After Jericho sees Punk celebrating with the title, it will not be the end of THE world. It will just be the end of Jericho’s.
Match Number One: CM Punk versus Daniel Bryan with AJ Lee in a Champion versus Champion Match
Bryan attacks Punk from behind while Laurinaitis distracts Punk. Punk punches back and he sends Bryan to the floor and then Punk with a forearm to Bryan to knock him off the apron and the match will start when we return from commercial.
The match is joined in progress and Punk with kicks but Bryan responds with kicks of his own. Punk with chops to Bryan followed by an Irish whip but Bryan flips over. Punk with an elbow and Punk hits a springboard cross body for a near fall.
We cut to the fifty five people at the announce table instead of what is going on in the ring.
Punk works on the arm but Bryan backs Punk into the corner. Bryan with a European uppercut and then he drops a knee to the head and then Bryan works on the fingers. Bryan with kicks to the back but Punk with kicks of his own. Punk with a snap mare and kick to the back followed by knees to the back before getting a near fall.
Punk with a forearm to Bryan against the ropes. Bryan misses a kick when Punk holds on to the ropes. Bryan charges and Punk with a back body drop that sends Bryan to the floor. Bryan pulls AJ over to check on him and that prevents Punk from diving to the floor. Bryan with a leg sweep to Punk from the apron and then Bryan sends Punk into the ring steps.
We go to commercial.
We are back and Bryan with an abdominal stretch on Punk. We see footage of a superplex by Bryan and a repeat of what happened at the end of the match on Tuesday.
Punk escapes the hold, apparently and Bryan misses a drop kick into the turnbuckles and hits the mat. Punk with kicks to the leg followed by a leg lariat and clothesline followed by a swinging neck breaker. Punk with a running knee into the corner followed by the bulldog attempt but Bryan escapes. Bryan misses a kick. Punk with a slam and then he goes up top for the elbow drop and he hits it.
Punk is unable to make the cover due to the damage done by Bryan during the match. Punk signals for the Go To Sleep and David Otunga must have thought there was some coffee in the ring. Punk takes care of Otunga and Bryan tries for the LeBell Lock. Punk rolls through.
Meanwhile, in superfluous action, Otunga gets back on the apron and Santino with a Cobra to Otunga. Laurinaitis takes Santino off the apron. Bryan tries to leave the ring while Teddy and Johnny argue. Sheamus sends Bryan back into the ring and Punk hits Go To Sleep but Laurinaitis stops the match.
Winner: No One
Teddy Long pushes Laurinaitis down and we are going to have a pier six brawl between Laurinaitis and Long.
Punk holds up the title belt on the stage and he is attacked from behind by Jericho, who remembered to take off the lite brite jacket. Jericho slams Punk on the stage. Jericho applies the Old School Liontamer on Punk while referees come out to wave their hands at Jericho to stop.
Jericho raises the title belt over his head.
We are back and let us take a look back at what Chris Jericho did to CM Punk after the ‘match’ ended.
Josh Mathews is reporting outside the Trainer’s Room and he says that Punk is hurting, but he is more angry than hurt.
Cole and Lawler debate what Jericho did.
We go to a video package from last year’s match between the last vestiges of what wrestling was (in the minds of the participants in the match between Triple H and Undertaker). We get comments from Big Show, Steve Austin, CM Punk, Edge, Pat Patterson, and more.
We go to commercial.
Match Number Two: Kelly Kelly versus Nikki Bella with Brie Bella
Kelly with a Thesz Press and then they roll around the ring. Nikki sends Kelly to the mat and then sends Kelly face first into the mat and gets a near fall. Nikki with a knee drop and gets a near fall. Kelly with a drop toe hold into the turnbuckles followed by the screaming head scissors. Kelly with a forearm and a face plant. Brie gets on the apron and Kelly with a drop kick that sends Brie to the floor. Nikki with a rollup but Kelly rolls through and gets the three count with a bridge.
Winner: Kelly Kelly
We are told that we get a tag match from four Smackdown wrestlers because there isn’t a show where they can wrestle each week.
We go to commercial.
We are back and before our next match, Miz has something to say. Miz says that he worked too hard to be treated like this. In the past year, no one has worked harder than him, not even John Cena. Who does WWE call upon to represent them in all media? Who has to fly 16 hours to Russia to do media? It is him. Yet, his name has yet to be called upon for Wrestlemania.
He says that everyone would love it if he was left off Wrestlemania. Miz throws out a few reallys as he gets closer to the ring. He says that it is a crime and he is going to rectify this. Miz says that he will prove that he is Wrestlemania worthy. Miz says that he will do it by beating the man he beat in the main event of last year’s Wrestlemania. He reminds us who he is and that he is awesome.
Match Number Three: John Cena versus Miz in a Wrestlemania 27 rematch, without Dwayne
They lock up and Cena with a side head lock and hip toss followed by a punch. Cena with an Irish whip and suplex. Cena with a knee to the head and then he hits a back elbow. Cena gets Miz up for the Attitude Adjustment but Miz avoids it and hits the Reality Check and gets a near fall.
Miz kicks Cena and hits a running knee lift for a near fall. Miz chokes Cena in the ropes. Cena with a back body drop followed by an Irish whip and splash into the corner followed by a clothesline. Miz avoids a suplex and hits a DDT for a near fall. Miz sets for the Awesome clothesline but Cena takes a while to get up but Miz hits it.
Miz goes up top but Cena avoids him and then Cena with the two flying shoulder tackles followed by the Blue Thunder Bomb. Cena with the five knuckle shuffle followed by the Attitude Adjustment and STF. Miz taps out.
Winner: John Cena
Cena gets on the turnbuckles and we see Dwayne bouncing around in the locker room. Dwayne looks at the camera and mocks Cena. Cena kicks some proverbial dirt on Miz as he leaves the ring.
We go to commercial.
Match Number Four: Epico and Primo with Rosa Mendes versus R Truth and Kofi Kingston versus Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger with Vickie Guerrero in a Triple Threat Tag Title Match
Dolph Primo and Kofi start things off and Dolph goes to the floor. Primo with a side head lock on Kofi followed by a shoulder tackle. Kofi with a flying back elbow and then he tosses Dolph into the air. Kofi with a monkey flip to Primo and then he gives one to Ziggler and tags in Truth. Primo breaks up the cover and then Primo hits Ziggler followed by a drop kick from Truth. Truth with a leg lariat and Swagger comes in with a flying shoulder tackle. Swagger and Kofi go over the top rope to the floor and there is pandemonium as we go to commercial.
We are back and Truth with a sunset flip to Primo but Swagger breaks it up. Swagger punches Truth and then Ziggler chokes him. Primo with a near fall on Truth and Swagger breaks it up. Swagger and Primo push each other and Primo with a forearm to Truth. Ziggler tags in and he hits a drop kick on Truth and Primo with the cover when Ziggler gets too creative with his post move flourish. Truth punches Ziggler and kicks Primo.
Primo with a kick to Truth but Truth with a DDT and neck breaker to Primo and Ziggler. All three men are down and Swagger and Epico tag in and Swagger and Epico fight, allowing Kofi to tag in and he hits a springboard clothesline followed by drop kicks to both men. Kofi with the pendulum kick to Swagger and then he goes up top for a cross body for a near fall that is broken up by Epico. Kofi slams Epico onto Swagger’s back and he hits a Boom drop on Epico and it catches Swagger too.
Kofi sets for Trouble in Paradise but Ziggler with a Zig Zag. Truth takes care of Ziggler and Swagger gets a near fall. Swagger with an ankle lock on Epico but Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise. Primo with the lungblower to Kofi and Epico gets the three count.
Winners: Epico and Primo
The lights go out and we have pyro (because the Daytona 500 cannot be exclusive for things catching on fire). Kane with a kick to Primo followed by choke slams to Ziggler and Epico. Truth punches Kane but Kane grabs Truth and choke slams him.
John and David are in the office and they talk about the Academy Awards. John tells Teddy Long to get out of his office. Teddy has something to tell to John. Teddy says that there is a rumor that John won’t be in charge of Raw next week. John fires Teddy as General Manager of Smackdown. Teddy calls John a horse’s ass.
Guess what the crowd chants as we go to commercial.
We are back with a look back at what happened to Eve Torres over the last few weeks.
Eve Torres makes her way to the ring with way too upbeat music for someone as evil as Eve. Eve says that if you want to judge her, go right ahead. She says that she is a woman living in a man’s world. She may use men, but there is no man who wouldn’t love to be used by a woman like her. She can’t help that men fall in love with her or are so easily seduced by her. She does not ask for this. Men crumble at her feet like little puppies seeking her affection. Eve says that you should blame her for her natural strengths. Men should blame themselves for their weaknesses.
Eve blows a kiss and then leaves the ring.
Eve walks in the back and Kelly Kelly wants to know what happened. Eve laughs at Kelly’s sincerity and walks away. Alicia Fox enters and looks down on Kelly.
Sheamus and Big Show walk in the back as we go to commercial and it includes the trailer for Bending the Rules.
Before our next match, we hear from Cody Rhodes that a man who Big Show knows well will be fighting on May 5th against Miguel Cotto. We see footage from Big Show’s history with Floyd Mayweather.
Match Number Five: Sheamus and Big Show versus Mark Henry and Cody Rhodes in a Why can’t this match be on Smackdown where these four men wrestle regularly Match
Cody and Show start off but Cody tags in Henry. Show kicks Henry as he enters the ring. Show with a spear and then he goes after Cody. Cody runs away from Show and Henry is down. Sheamus tags in and hits the Brogue Kick for the three count.
Winners: Sheamus and Big Show
We are told about how there will be a major announcement about the general managers on Tuesday at 10 AM.
It is time for the Dwayne/Cena segment that aired at the start of the show.
We go to commercial.
We are back and before we get to Dwayne, Shawn Michaels will be on Raw next week.
Rock shows the goosebumps on his arm and he says that this is real. He says that this feels so damn good. Dwayne asks for some water while the crowd chants ‘boots to asses’. Dwayne says that we will get into some chants.
He says that this might come as a shock to a lot of people. He says that he is not here every single week. He was here every single week for years and years because it was his job. He says that he was born and created in the WWE. He says that he knows that if it weren’t for the WWE and the fans, The Rock would never exist. When he came back and he said that he was back and he was never going away, he meant it.
Did it mean that he was going to be at every Raw, Smackdown, and live event. It wasn’t what he meant. If someone in the back wants to take it literally, they can. Unlike this person, he respect that person. The fans chant Fruity Pebbles.
He respects the audience’s intelligence because they know he was raised in this business and his heart and soul is in this business. Dwayne says that he is in this ring because he loves the WWE. He will always be part of the WWE and the WWE will always be a part of him.
He used to think that John Cena was a phony. For years, he thought that the guy who graduated from private school was the Doctor of Thuganomics. John is not a phony. He is that guy. That guy who came out last week and ran him down, even though Dwayne wasn’t in the building.
Dwayne reminds John that he has his cell phone number. Dwayne says that he doesn’t want to talk to John Cena on the cell phone or in the back. He would rather slap his lying face with a piece of Kung Pao Chicken.
He says that John is not a phony. He does not think that John is a bad guy. He is a Kung Pao Bitch. Guess what the crowd is chanting, though not in unison.
Dwayne says that John said something last week that resonated with him. John says that he is going to fight for everyone in the back who wants to be a professional wrestler. Dwayne says that he grew up as a professional wrestler and he was told that no one fights for him. That is how you learn and get better. When he was climbing the ladder nobody was fighting for him. Steve Austin was not fighting for him when people were booing him. People were not fighting for Mick Foley, Triple H, or Randy Savage. Did anyone fight for Roddy Piper? No one had to fight for them because they were men.
If John wants to fight for the people in the back, he can do it because Dwayne says that he fights for the people in the crowd. He fights for the people who are sick and tired of a Kung Pao Bitch being thrown down their throat every night.
Dwayne tells everyone that Kung Pao Bitch is trending worldwide. The people are tired of him every single night. They are not tired of being entertained. That is what Dwayne loves to do and entertain. He lives to entertain. Every time they get together, they innovate and break new ground. They trail blaze. Rock says that when he called Cena a Fruity Pebble, people chanted it and Cena’s face was on a box of cereal.
Dwayne says that when he came back mentioned ‘lady parts’ people chanted it and it trended world wide. Rock wants the crowd to chant ‘lady parts’ and guess what they do.
Dwayne says that they entertain and innovate. The most innovative thing that Cena did was change from jean shorts to camo shorts. Rock says that it worked because we cannot find his balls anywhere. Dwayne talks about other things that are trending and the crowd chants what Dwayne wants.
John Cena’s music plays and he comes out to the ring. John says that this was too much fun so he was not going to miss this. Cena is impressed with the way that Dwayne referred to him as Kung Pao Chicken. He says that this is perfect Dwayne because he has the millions in the palm of his hands. He says that he is not here to hang from the People’s Strudel.
John admits that he is the guy who runs Dwayne down when he is not here. He is also the guy who runs down Dwayne when he is here. John says that he loved the Rock . . . until he met Dwayne Johnson. Dwayne is a self-centered, egotistical, see through, son of a bitch who wouldn’t care if this company closed its doors tomorrow. Cena says that he doesn’t need the notes for his promo on his wrist.
At Wrestlemania, he will be eyeing Dwayne Johnson and he does not like Dwayne. He will see a man who is afraid. He might be facing a guy who doesn’t have any balls, but he will beat the hell out of him.
Cena leaves the ring and tells Dwayne to ‘continue trending’.
Dwayne says that it is like John to come out and run his mouth and leave before he can slap his face. Dwayne tells John that him and the Rock is the same person. Dwayne says that John runs his mouth by being tough but he is not tough. Dwayne says that the only thing that matters is that at the biggest match in the history of Wrestlemania, he will kick Cena’s ass. It is time to smell what Rock is cooking.
We go to credits.
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