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WWE RAW REPORT: HE'S BACK; IS LAURINAITIS' FUTURE ENDEAVORED?; BATTLE FOR BEST IN THE WORLD AND IT IS AN EPIC ENCOUNTER FOR A WHILE; ELIMINATION CHAMBER IS COMING; A COLD STONE HALL OF FAMER

By Richard Trionfo on 2012-01-30 23:13:27
We are live from Kansas City, Missouri and your announcers are Michael ‘George Brett’s Hemorrhoid’ Cole and Jerry ‘I wish I knew someone who could tell me about BBQ in KC’ Lawler.

John Laurinaitis makes his way to the ring because he will be Defending His Life in front of Triple H. John shakes everyone’s hands on his way around the ring.

John says that he is looking forward to his performance review because he has done a good job. He says that he has made some mistakes and then he asks for the people to name someone who has never made a mistake. John says that he has never made the same mistake twice. John says that he is confident that he will be named the permanent General Manager.

John reminds us that his good friend Triple H will be reviewing his job performance.

John says that he called the match at the Royal Rumble down the middle like he said.

There is one stop on the way and it is the Elimination Pay Per View (Johnny called it that). He says that Punk will be defending the title against five men. They are Kofi Kingston, Miz, R Truth, Dolph Ziggler, and Chris Jericho.

John wants to talk about tonight’s show because Beth will be defending the Divas Title against Eve Torres. Miz will face Kofi Kingston. Randy Orton will face Dolph Ziggler. Daniel Bryan will face CM Punk.

CM Punk makes his way to the stage and he has something to say. Punk starts to hum the traditional good bye song and the crowd joins in.

Punk makes his way to the ring and he gets in Johnny’s face and starts to sing and says goodbye to Clown Shoes.

John says that Punk owes him an apology because he did not screw him over for the title last night.

Punk says that he does not owe him an apology. Punk says that Johnny is a man of his word if he is poorly dressed, dork. He says that he wanted to see Johnny’s dimwitted face one last time before he gets 86ed by Triple H. Punk says that he has given him great enjoyment over the last few weeks. The way he has trouble speaking into a mic or his grasp on the English language. Punk points out that Johnny has learned to both suck and blow at the same time.

Punk says that he cannot wait to see Triple H kick his carcass out the front door.

Johnny says that he will not take this personally and the company is about business. Everyone knows that he is honest, fair, creative, and he has taken Raw and his WWE Championship to new heights. Johnny wants to put their differences aside and start new.

Johnny offers his hand and Punk thinks about it and he wants to know if Johnny is sleepy. The only way that he would want Johnny to offer his hand to the best in the world is if he wants to go to sleep.

The World Champion makes his way to the ring and he joins CM Punk and John Laurinaitis.

Daniel points out that he is the World Champion. Bryan says that he wants to make sure that everyone remembers him. Nobody cares about their petty personal problems. While they were conducting their little soap opera last night, he won a Steel Cage match against the World’s Strongest Man and the World’s Biggest Athlete. People don’t recognize the magnitude of his accomplishment. (Pop Pop). Daniel says that it is no disrespect to Punk, but what he went through last night is not much of a challenge.

Punk says that all he is is the best wrestler in the world.

Bryan says that is fantastic but he says that he is more than a wrestler. He is a role model. He is a vegan. He says that he doesn’t even eat meat.

Punk says that he knows that, but he wants to know what does he eat.

He wants to know if Punk is making jokes. Bryan says that he will take his pipe bomb and stick it where the sun don’t shine.

Punk says that Clown Shoes is trying to stir things up between the two of them because they have been friends for a decade. Punk suggests that they give Kansas City the best wrestling match in the world.

Sheamus makes his way to the ring because he has an interest in the two men in the ring.

Sheamus apologizes for breaking up the love fest to remind everyone that he won the 2012 Royal Rumble. He reminds them that at the Elimination Chamber, they will both be defending their title. Sheamus reminds Johnny that he could be fired tonight.

Sheamus says that he has earned the right to be in the main event at Wrestlemania (and priority in pointing to the Wrestlemania Sign). He says that he will be the next WWE or World Champion. Sheamus wishes them both luck and he wants to share an Irish saying with Johnny. May Triple H kick you in the arse so hard you will be coughing up your lace panties. He tells Johnny Erin Go Braugh.

Punk offers his hand and Bryan shakes it.

We go to commercial.

We are back with the WWE Rewind: Footage from the Falls Count Anywhere Match when Randy Orton got send down a flight of stairs after fighting in an elevator.

Josh Mathews is in Wade Barrett’s luxury box and we are told that Wade has a vested interest in this next match. We are told that Wade and Randy will be wrestling on Smackdown on Friday night.

Josh asks Wade about Randy. Wade says that he got rid of Orton for a month last time and he will do something worse on Friday night.

Match Number One: Dolph Ziggler with Vickie Guerrero versus Randy Orton

They lock up and Ziggler backs Orton into the corner and connects with a knee and punch instead of giving a clean break. Ziggler stops short after some leap frogs and Ziggler poses. They lock up again and Orton with a side head lock take down. Orton with a shoulder tackle and then he punches Ziggler in the corner.

Ziggler with an Irish whip into the corner but that means that Orton comes out with a clothesline. Orton sends Ziggler into the turnbuckles and follows it with a European uppercut. Ziggler with an uppercut followed by a drop kick to the back of the head.

We go to commercial.

We are back and Ziggler with a reverse chin lock and he gets on Orton’s back to add extra pressure. Orton runs Ziggler into the turnbuckles. Orton with an Irish whip but he runs into boots from Ziggler and Dolph gets a near fall. Ziggler misses a Stinger splash into the corner.

Orton with two clotheslines and Ziggler with a drop kick to Orton and he gets a near fall. Ziggler with a neck breaker and then he does some sit ups during the match and then he gets on the turnbuckles and Orton knocks the leg away and Ziggler is crotched. Orton looks at Vickie and then he punches Ziggler.

Orton with a superplex for a near fall. Orton blocks a punch and he punches Ziggler. Orton with two clotheslines and he ducks a clothesline from Ziggler and that means it is time for a power slam from Orton. Orton sends Ziggler to the apron for the IEDDT but Ziggler gets out of the hold and he applies the sleeper on Orton. Orton gets out of the hold and Orton with a rollup for a near fall.

Ziggler with a kick followed by the Fameasser for a near fall. Ziggler sets for another sleeper but Orton holds on to the ropes. Orton clotheslines Ziggler over the top rope and then he sends Ziggler into the ringside barrier. Orton gets Ziggler on the apron for the IEDDT and he hits it.

Orton with the RKO and he gets the three count.

Winner: Randy Orton

We go to commercial.

We go to photos from the 25th (Not the 25th Anniversary) of the Royal Rumble of the battle between Kane and John Cena after their match went to a double count out. We see what Kane did to Zack Ryder.

John Laurinaitis with more glad handing in the back and he sees William Regal. John asks about his son and Regal mentions that he has twin daughters.

We go to commercial.

Match Number Two: Brodus Clay with the Funkettes and Disco Ball versus Tyler Reks

They lock up and Brodus sends Tyler to the mat and he lets the punches flip flop and fly and then he hits an elbow. Reks with a drop kick that staggers Clay followed by a boot and punches. Reks with a double sledge but Clay with a belly-to-belly suplex followed by a forearm and the cross body for the three count.

Winner: Brodus Clay

CM Punk is getting ready in his locker room and Daniel Bryan enters. Punk says that they have been friends for a long time and Punk says that Bryan is not a role model. He says that people don’t know what a vegan is. Bryan says that he does not condone the killing of animals. He talks about the agony that animals feel when you eat meat. Daniel says that people don’t know what straight edge is. Punk says that unlike Bryan, he does not claim to be a role model, he just claims to be the best in the world.

We go to commercial.

Match Number Three: CM Punk versus Daniel Bryan in a Champion versus Champion Non-Title Match and Best in the World Match

The Code of Honor Entertainment is followed and they lock up. Punk with a side head lock. Punk with a shoulder tackle but Bryan with a drop kick and he works on the leg and tries for the surfboard but Punk tries to stretch. Bryan drives the knees into the mat and Bryan with a kick to the chest. Bryan with a European uppercut but Punk with a snap mare and kick to the back.

Punk gets a near fall. Punk with a reverse chin lock followed by a knee to the back. Punk with a slam but he misses a leg drop. Bryan with a kick to the chest and a knee drop. Bryan with another knee drop to the head and he works on the wrist. Bryan stomps on the elbow and he applies an arm bar.

Bryan with a European uppercut and Punk sends Bryan over the top rope to the floor. Punk goes to the apron and he connects with an elbow from the apron. Punk with a European uppercut but Bryan responds and then Bryan sends Punk over the ringside barrier and into the bell chamber.

Punk gets back into the ring and Bryan with kicks to the chest. Bryan with a side head lock but Punk with a belly-to-back suplex to escape the hold. Punk goes to the apron and he hits the springboard clothesline and he gets a near fall. Punk with a back breaker and he gets a near fall.

Punk with chops to Bryan but Bryan with an Irish whip. Bryan misses the running drop kick into the corner and Punk with a near fall. Punk with a rear chin lock. Bryan flips over Punk in the corner and they both go for cross bodies and they are down in the center of the ring as we go to commercial.

We are back and Bryan continues to work on the wrist of Punk. We see footage from the commercial break when Bryan hit a drop kick to the elbow. Punk gets a near fall standing on Punk’s arm. Bryan with a snap suplex and then he goes up top. Punk kicks the ropes and crotches Bryan. Punk chops Bryan and then he tells Bryan that he is the best in the world before hitting a rana.

Punk blocks a kick and he punches Bryan followed by a back heel kick and a leg lariat. Punk with a clothesline and a swinging neck breaker. Punk goes for the running knee into the corner followed by a bulldog. Punk signals for the Go To Sleep and then Bryan escapes and goes to the floor. Punk with a baseball side and he tries for a suicide dive but Bryan with a forearm.

Bryan goes up top for the missile drop kick and he hits it and gets a near fall. Bryan with a series of kicks to the chest but Punk ducks a round kick and gets a near fall with a rollup. Bryan avoids a German suplex and then Bryan with a rana but Punk rolls through and gets a near fall.

Bryan with a kick to the head and Punk kicks out at two. Bryan with a kick to the chest and then he puts Punk on the top turnbuckle. Bryan sets for a superplex but Punk holds on to the turnbuckles and he punches Bryan and head butts him to the mat. Punk sets for the elbow drop and he hits it but he can only get a two count.

Punk gets Bryan up for the Go To Sleep but Bryan with a crucifix for a near fall. Bryan tries for the LeBell Lock but Punk counters and catapults Bryan into the turnbuckles. P

Chris Jericho pulls Bryan out of the ring and sends Bryan into the ringside barrier and the referee calls for the bell.

Winner: Daniel Bryan by disqualification

After the match, Jericho goes into the ring and hits the Codebreaker on Punk.

Bryan goes up the ramp and celebrates his victory while Jericho and Punk stare at each other.

It is time to see who the newest inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame . . . Mike Tyson.

R Truth makes his way to the ring as we go to commercial.

We are back and Truth is with Cole and Lawler for the next match.

Miz has something to say before his match. He says that last night at the Royal Rumble, Kofi Kingston got a huge ovation for doing a handstand. Miz throws out a few reallys. Miz says that he was the number one entrant and lasted more than forty-five minutes. He lasted longer than five former champions and two Hall of Famers combined. Miz says that his Road to Wrestlemania has had a few detours but he will beat Kofi Kingston and everyone else in the Elimination Chamber to headline Wrestlemania again because he is the Miz and he is . . . awesome.

Match Number Four: Kofi Kingston versus Miz in a They are in the Elimination Chamber Match Match

They lock up and Miz with a waist lock and Kofi with a standing switch into a side head lock. Miz with forearms and Kofi tries to slide through Miz’s feet but Miz stops him and he punches Kofi and kicks him in the chest and gets a near fall. Miz with more kicks and then he punches Kofi in the corner and follows it with knees and kicks.

Kofi punches Miz and he Irish whips Miz but misses a splash into the corner. Miz with a running knee lift and then he looks at Truth at the announce table. Kofi gets a near fall but Miz with a clothesline. He waits for Kofi to get up and he hits the Awesome Clothesline. Miz with a double sledge from the turnbuckles and he gets a near fall. Miz with a cravate.

Kofi with a rollup for a near fall. Miz with a kick and a DDT on Kofi and he gets a near fall. Kofi struggles to get to his feet and Miz sets for another Awesome Clothesline but Kofi goes to the apron and hits the pendulum kick. Kofi goes up top and hits a cross body and he gets a near fall. Miz with a kick to the head and Miz tries for the Reality Check but Kofi blocks it. Miz blocks the SOS. Miz misses a charge into the corner and Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise for the three count.

Winner: Kofi Kingston

John Laurinaitis is texting and David Otunga is drinking coffee so both men are using their strengths. John wants to know if David is looking for his job. David says that he enjoys his job as legal counsel to the interim Raw General Manager.

We go to commercial.

We are back and we look at the Wrestlemania sign.

It is time for a Rock video package in case you missed it during the Royal Rumble.

We go to commercial.

Match Number Five: Eve Torres versus Beth Phoenix for the Divas Championship

Eve with punches and kicks to Beth as the match starts but the referee has to pull her out of the corner. Beth with a clothesline and the Glam Slam for the three count.

Winner: Beth Phoenix

After the match, Kane’s music plays and he appears on the TitanTron. He wants to know how it feels to know that everything that happened to his friend Zack Ryder happened because Cena would not Embrace the Hate. Cena is looking past Kane on his way to the Rock at Wrestlemania. Until Cena Embraces the Hate, he won’t be able to beat Kane or the Rock. Kane will continue inflict as much pain as possible on Zack Ryder until Cena embraces the hate.

Kane says that he is going to use Eve as a conduit to pass that message along.

Eve doesn’t know what to do and the pyro goes off on the stage.

Kane comes from behind and Eve screams and cowers from Kane.

John Cena’s music plays and he comes to the ring and he punches Kane and he takes him down to the mat. Kane with punches to Kane and then Cena kicks Kane and they go to the floor. Cena sends Kane into the ringside barrier but Kane sends Cena into the ringside barrier as well.

They fight on the ramp and Cena punches Kane but Kane punches back and he kicks Cena. Kane sends Cena into the ringside barrier. Cena Irish whips Kane into the ringside steps. Cena sends Kane’s head into the ring steps. Cena takes time to take off his shirt before embracing the dislike. Cena picks up the ring steps and he hits Kane with them.

Cena hits Kane again with the steps and he tells Kane that whenever he gets up he will hit Kane with the steps. Cena hits Kane in the head with the steps. Cena adjusts the announce table and the hits Kane in the head with the mic. Cena carries Kane to the announce table area and Cena tries for the Attitude Adjustment on Kane but Kane gets into the crowd and he runs away.

John Laurinaitis walks through the back, maybe for the final time as we go to commercial.

We are back and Justin Roberts introduces John Laurinaitis and he eventually makes his way to the ring.

John says that he has been looking forward to this moment all week. John has a few things to say before Hunter comes out. John says that he knows what he has done on Raw and everyone appreciates what he has done. The facts are in the numbers. John says that ratings are up versus a year ago. John says that everyone has to go through a self-assessment on a 0 to 5 scale. John says that he gave himself a lot of fives. John goes through the categories he gave himself a five. One of them was probably not anticipating when someone’s music is about to play.

Triple H comes out and he is dressed to give an evaluation.

Hunter tells John that he gave himself a lot of fives. Hunter tells John that it is higher than four or three. He tells John to forget about the assessments. He has been watching John for a while, since he backstabbed Hunter. Hunter says that John is spineless and gutless and he is not very swift. He thought that John would not see the obvious grab for power in front of him. John says that he was worse than anyone else. Not only did he grab the power. He did what John could never do as a competitor in the ring. He used the spot to become a star.

John says that he respects Hunter but Hunter has it wrong.

Hunter tells John not to lie and make it worse. John has personally involved himself in things like the WWE Championship match. Hunter says that Johnny has put himself on the show week after week to the detriment of others to make himself a star.

John says that he was doing it to make Raw better.

Hunter says that Vince let personal judgments cloud his decisions and he had to be replaced. The same happened to Hunter. Hunter says that John has done the same thing.

John says that he will do anything to save his job.

Hunter says that ‘anything’ leaves a lot to interpretation. He could tell John to take the mic and apologize to everyone and if they accept the apology, he will reconsider his stance.

John says that Triple H has shown that he has made some errors. He says that to err is human and to forgive is divine. He wants to apologize to everyone for any mistakes that he has made.

Hunter asks everyone and wants to know if that was good enough. Hunter says that he couldn’t hear John but he saw that his lips were moving so he had to be lying.

Hunter suggests that he give John a chance to be a Superstar. He can put John in a Gauntlet Match. Hunter says that would not be fair.

Hunter thinks of something. He says this is one of the things that his Father in Law is a certifiable genius. When he had an employee who he needed to see where their loyalty lied, he would have that person become a member of a certain club.

John gets some Chap Stick and he gets on his knees.

Hunter laughs at John and calls him a freak for wanting to do it. Hunter wants to know why John thought he would get his lips anywhere near him.

Hunter says that he is not going to do some silly stuff. He came out to do what needs to be done. Personal issues in the past have clouded everyone’s decision on their way to this position. Hunter has put his personal problems behind him and they have told Hunter that if he wants to come back to run Raw, he can do it at any time. Hunter tells John that it truly warms him heart to let John know that he wishes him well in all . . .

Before Hunter can say what he wants, a gong goes off and the fires burn on the stage while the building is bathed in a bluish hue. That is right, Sin Cara is not back . . . it is the Undertaker.

Taker makes his way to the ring and Taker circles around Hunter in the ring.

Taker looks at Hunter and then he looks at the sign and then he does the throat slashing gesture to Hunter. Hunter is not sure of what to do. Does he crotch chop or not? Hunter taps Taker on the shoulder and Taker wonders why Hunter touched him. Hunter leaves the ring and walks away.

We go to credits.

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