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TNA IMPACT REPORT: KEN ANDERSON HAS A NEW CATCHPHRASE, ODB REVEALS WHY SHE ATTACKED VELVET SKY, ABYSS CONTINUES HIS REIGN OF TERROR OVER THE X-DIVISION, A NEW CHAMPION IS CROWNED, RVD AND KURT ANGLE HAVE THEIR "FIRST MATCH EVER" IN THE MAIN EVENT, AND MORE

By Stuart Carapola on 2011-05-26 23:00:00
Welcome to the TNA Impact Report here on PWInsider.com!

The show opens with a graphic in memory of Randy Savage, then we go to a video package looking back at the Sting-Anderson confrontation from Sacrifice and Anderson's assault of Sting to close the show last week.

Hit the opening video package and we're off to the Impact Zone and right into our first match!

Tommy Dreamer & Bully Ray vs AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels

The fight starts right away at ringside, with AJ (wearing a neck brace) going after Dreamer and Daniels brawling with Ray, who tears his shirt off and lays in some hard chops. AJ and Dreamer fight through the crowd and up onto the mezzanine where Dreamer takes another spill to the floor below. AJ, neck brace and all, climbs up on the railing and dives onto Dreamer from what must have been a good ten to twelve feet up. Back in the ring, Daniels is pulling all kinds of garbage cans and lids and kendo sticks out from under the ring, and he repeatedly bashes Ray in the head with the lids until Ray does a Flair Flop...face first into another trash can lid. Daniels goes for the BME but Ray gets the boot up and hits a uranage for 2. AJ comes in and ducks a kendo stick swing, then hits a Pelle Kick on Ray. AJ charges Dreamer in a corner, but Dreamer gets his boot up and then tears AJ's neck brace off, then clubs him in the back of the neck with forearm shots. Ray gets a Rude Awakening on AJ, Dreamer gets one of his own. Then Ray hits a third as Dreamer kicks Daniels off the apron and to the floor. Ray and Dreamer set up for a spike piledriver, but Daniels knocks Dreamer off the top and then hits an enziguiri on Ray. AJ whacks Ray in the head with a kendo stick and then he and Daniels hit a spike piledriver on Dreamer for the win.

Winners: AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels

We go out to the garage where Hulk Hogan is arriving at the Impact Zone, and tonight, Kurt Angle will face Rob Van Dam in the main event!

We're back for the Scorpion Sitdown, which has Ken Anderson dressed as Neon Sting doing a Piper's Pit type segment. Anderson says he can't wrestle anymore, so he'll do what every washed up wrestler does and get an interview segment. For our first show, he wants to bring out someone we all know very well, and brings out the Disco Inferno, who dances his way down the aisle and joins Ander...I mean, Sting. Anderson says that he remembers Sting's Vanilla Ice look and flattop and Liberace outfits, and Disco says he really is an asshole. Disco says he didn't know why Anderson brought him here, but he'll tell us the truth about Sting, and there were thousands of fans everywhere and...he can't finish because Anderson keeps cutting him off with the Sting howl. Disco says that wherever he went, he commanded respect, and he knows that when Anderson grew up, he was painting his face just like everyone else. Anderson says he's had enough and says this is his show and he leads, and he didn't bring him out here to swing from Sting's nuts, he brought him here to bury Sting because that's what this segment was designed for. He asks if Disco has anything to add to his quest to bury Sting, and Disco just has one question: why does Anderson refer to himself as an asshole when the reality is that he's just a dick? Crowd starts chanting “dick” at Anderson, and Disco dances for a few seconds, grabs Anderson's drop down microphone, and repeats that Anderson's a dick. Anderson gets up with a big smile on his face and cracks him in the head with the microphone, then sits on top of him and starts drilling him in the face. Sting's music hits and he comes after Anderson, who slides out of the ring and bails over the barricade and to the back as Sting checks on a bloody Disco Inferno.

Velvet Sky is backstage, and she's...WALKING!

Eric Young goes into the men's room looking for Gunner and finds him in one of the stalls. Gunner looks really pissed off at getting interrupted, and Young says there was a slight misunderstanding because his title wasn't on the line in the battle royal. He has an idea for tonight: Gunner's a low level player in Immortal and both of them were at home in 1999 watching Hogan and Nash at the Georgia Dome, and he propses a Fingerpoke Of Doom tonight where Young jobs the title back to Gunner. Gunner tells Young that he better go down or Gunner's going to put him down.

Out to the ring for a thought provoking interview segment with Velvet Sky, who has some unfinished business with ODB. The attack from behind doesn't fly with her, so she wants ODB to come out here and say what her problem is. ODB joins Velvet in the ring and says that about a year ago she got a call that she wasn't needed around here anymore, and she wondered if it is because of her bad attitude or lack of talent, and she decided it was because Velvet got her fired. Velvet has no idea how she could have gotten ODB fired and she's tired of everyone blaming Velvet for everything because she's earned her spot here in TNA and has proven herself by working her ass off to get where she is. ODB says she worked her ass off by spending time on her back and asks if she breaks a sweat grinding her ass on the ropes coming into the ring and makes fun of her giant silicone boobs. Velvet gives her a death stare and ODB asks if she's going to cry about it, and tells Velvet she'll give her something to cry about, and suckerpunches her, then gets on top of Velvet and chokes her while yelling “You like it on your back, don't ya?” TNA security runs in and tries to pull them apart, but ODB breaks loose and goes after Velvet again with her belt. Velvet scurries out of the ring and ODB goes after her again and needs to be restrained again.

Coming up tonight, Jeff Jarrett faces Matt Morgan and Kurt Angle faces Rob Van Dam!

We go to a video package where Rob Van Dam and Kurt Angle talk about being the best and why wrestling matters to them going into their match tonight.

We look back to last week when Ric Flair went too far and Robert Roode locked him in a Fujiwara armbar, only to get laid out and have his arm injured by Immortal. We then go backstage to Beer Money in Eric Bischoff's office, as he gets an interesting text message from the doctor, who says that his arm's in bad shape and if Beer Money can't defend the title at Slammiversary, they'll be stripped of the title. James Storm protests the decision and Bischoff says he's in a tough spot and will need to find a suitable replacement, and he sees Storm as a mystical hillbilly prophet type of guy who can heal people with manure. Storm can't heal anyone, but he can stick his foot up Bischoff's ass. Bischoff threatens his job, and says to think about their future and the tag title, and says that he's sorry about Beer Money's damn luck.

We look at the recent Xplosion taping where Devon got pissed that Pope came up to his wife at ringside and kissed his hand. Pope says he doesn't know why since he can't think of a better role model than himself.

We go to Kurt Angle and Matt Morgan, and Angle warns him to ignore Karen and focus on Jeff Jarrett. That match is up next!

Time for our next match...

Jeff Jarrett vs Matt Morgan

Jeff Jarrett puts Karen in a chair at ringside, but referee Earl Hebner forces her to move into the aisle because he doesn't want her sitting right at ringside. Jarrett pokes Morgan in the eye and snaps him down on the top rope, then hits a flying bodypress for 2 to start the match. Morgan reverses a whip into the corner and follows in with a charging clothesline and then hits the rapid fire elbows and a side suplex for 2. Jarrett tries a leapfrog but Morgan doesn't run under him and faceslams him into the top turnbuckle. Morgan misses a running knee into the corner and Jarrett starts kicking his leg out from under him. Jarrett comes off the ropes with a crossbody, but Morgan catches him and hits a Hallaway slam for 2. Karen pops out of her chair and hobbles screaming to ringside as Morgan hits a tilt-a-whirl suplex for 2. Karen hands her crutch to Jarrett behind the referee's back and Jarrett nails him and hits the Stroke, but only gets 2. Jarrett comes off the second rope right into a goozle and Morgan gives him a chokeslam into an inverted atomic drop and then hits the Carbon Footprint. Karen distracts the referee again as Scott Steiner comes out of the crowd and hits the FlatSteiner and rolls Jarrett on top for the win.

Winner: Jeff Jarrett

Jeff and Karen celebrate by making out at ringside.

Hulk Hogan is backstage, and he's...WALKING!

Oh, and for those who are counting, we're now halfway through the show and have had less than ten minutes of wrestling.

We see a video package looking at the recent revalation of Mick Foley as the Network representative, then we go to Eric Bischoff in the ring. He tells the fans how much he loves them and talks about last week when Hulk Hogan and Mick Foley were in New York at a meeting with the Network, but he knew Hogan would come out on top of the meeting and make the Network understand that Foley can't slap his hands with his ass in the wrestling business. He introduces Hulk Hogan, who comes out to tell us that all it took was a good, old fashioned sitdown and when he sat down with the executives, it was unanimous that there was only one man sailing the ship around here and that man is Hulk Hogan. Still, it blew his mind that his genius for this business wiped out any doubts anyone had, and the executives stood up and gave him a standing ovation. But enough about Hogan, he wants to talk about Bischoff, because the strides Bischoff made to improve the show and wipe out the X-Division were sheer genius, and the fans said the X-Division doesn't matter and Bischoff was the one who did something about it.

Wait, Mick Foley's music hits and he comes out to join Hogan and Bischoff in the ring. Hogan tells Foley that nobody invited him out here, but Foley says he doesn't need an invitation because he's a Network executive. After Hogan walked out of that meeting, all he succeeded in doing was pissing the Network off because then Foley took them on a trip down memory lane and showed them that the X-Division was what put TNA on the map and made the company better, and showed them how wrestling can't matter without the X-Division. Foley will spend the next few weeks scouring the globe for the best X-Division wrestlers in the world, and when he gets back he's going to put them in the Ultimate X. Bischoff says he knows Foley spent his career falling on his ass and running around with a sock on his hand and that makes him an expert on the X-Division. Bischoff says that Foley is a Network executive and that means that he doesn't have any power over the PPVs, but Foley says that's not true because they can't promote PPVs without TV, and he tells them he'll see them at Destination X. Hogan suggests Foley do something to help the X-Division and gives him the opportunity to get in the ring and fight for the X-Division Title and he'll have to face Abyss, the real Mr Hardcore. Hogan asks if the Hardcore Legend is still alive, or if he's hiding behind the Network.

Okay, now Brian Kendrick's music hits and he comes out with the Kindergarten crew to confront Bischoff and Hogan. He rambles again, but the point is they're there to eradicate Immortal. Hogan tells “Kendricks” to take his boys and get to the back where they belong, but Kendrick says it's stupid to put Foley in the match and challenges Hogan to put him in the ring with Abyss instead. Hogan is flabbergasted, but says this is better than Hogan taking the blackhead off the pimple standing in front of him, and tells Foley that the blood is on his hands for this one.

Winter is backstage giving Angelina Love a candlelight massage and saying the world is about to see them for what they are. They're going to fulfill the promise they made to each other in another lifetime, and she promises that whatever happens to them tonight, she will be here forever. Okay.

Speaking of Winter, she's facing Mickie James next!

Add a fifteen minute promo just now and we're at 10:15 with less than ten minutes of wrestling.

Knockouts Champion Mickie James vs Winter

Mike Tenay cracked me up during entrances, acting flabbergasted that the relationship between Angelina and Winter goes back centuries, then talking about how Mickie James is a fighting champion even though this is non-title. Bless him for trying. They tie up and Winter nails Mickie with a back elbow and yanks Mickie down by the hair. Mickie fires back with right hands but Winter gets a short Irish whip into a Northern Lights Suplex for 2 and then yanks Mickie up by the hair. Mickie gets a chinbreaker and a snapmare, then a running baseball slide. Mickie with a flying headscissors and a flapjack, but Winter goes to the eyes and goes for her Cyclone slam, but Mickie blocks and gets a leaping DDT for the win.

Winner: Mickie James

Winter appears to be bleeding from the mouth, and Angelina comes into the ring and attacks Mickie, driving her to the floor and viciously stomping her into oblivion before ramming her headfirst into the stairs. Angelina goes back into the ring to check on Winter and looks zombified.

Abyss is behind a fence backstage and says Eric Bischoff gave him clearance to exterminate Brian Kendrick and the X-Division, and that's what he's going to do. He grabs Janice and the X-Division Title and starts for the ring, but Frankie Kazarian comes out of nowhere and lays him out, then takes Janice and tells Abyss he'll never use her again.

That match added a whopping three minutes to our wrestling total, bringing us to 13 minutes as of 10:26.

X-Division Title Match: Abyss vs Brian Kendrick

Kendrick attacks Abyss before the bell, then dodges Abyss as he charges and lets Abyss ram himself into the steps. They head into the ring where Kendrick hits a running forearm in the corner. Abyss goozles Kendrick, but Kendrick bites his hand, slides between his legs, and hits a leg lariat. He comes off the ropes and runs into a back elbow by Abyss, who then gouges his face in the corner and whips him hard into the corner across the ring. Abyss hits the charging splash in the corner, then picks Kendrick up in a bearhug. Kendrick gives Abyss a noogie to escape and goes back to the ropes, but runs right into a big boot. Abyss with a big forearm to the back and then presses Kendrick above his head, but Kendrick escapes and hits a pair of leg lariats and a pop-up dropkick. Kendrick with a missile dropkick for 2 and then goes back up top, but Abyss shakes the ropes and Kendrick tumbles down on the top turnbuckle and then to the mat below. Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam and that's all she wrote.

Winner: Abyss

Abyss says scary things to the camera and then we go back to the same RVD-Angle video package we saw earlier to build tonight's main event.

Kurt Angle is backstage talking about how he's wrestling RVD tonight, and RVD is dangerous and will make great preparation for Jeff Jarrett at Slammiversary, and he can't look past RVD because he's that good, but he's ready for him.

Time for our next match...

TV Title Match: Gunner vs Eric Young

EY tells Gunner to do the Fingerpoke of Doom, Gunner does it, Young falls on his face and Gunner tries to cover him, but Young catches him in a small package and pins Gunner to win the title just like that in about twenty seconds.

Winner and NEW World TV Champion: Eric Young

Gunner is REALLY pissed off now, and chases Young all the way to the back.

Jeff and Karen Jarrett join Tenay and Taz at the broadcast booth, and then it's main event time!

Rob Van Dam vs Kurt Angle

It's now 10:54 and we've only had 18 minutes of wrestling on the show where wrestling matters. Tenay tells us this is the historic first ever match between these two...not counting the match they had on ECW On Sci-Fi. Or Angle's last WWE match in White Plains. Or the matches they had during the InVasion. Angle gets a side headlock and gets fired into the ropes, but takes RVD down with a shoulderblock. Angle blocks a monkey flip, RVD blocks a German suplex and gets a leg lariat and straight side kick, followed by Rolling Thunder. Angle bails out to the floor to collect himself, then gets back in and goes back to the headlock, taking RVD down with it. RVD escapes so Angle hits a shoulderblock and RVD immediately responds with a side kick and nearly monkey flips Angle through onto his face. Angle catches RVD out of nowhere with a belly to belly suplex, then a snap vertical suplex for 2. Angle gets a rear waistlock, but RVD escapes so Angle gets a hard knee to the midsection and covers for 2, then gets a rear chinlock with his knee in RVD's back. RVD elbows his way out, kicks Angle right in the face, and starts firing himself up. RVD goes up top and hits a flying jump kick for 2, but Angle gets a German suplex with full rotation for 2. Angle goes for the Angle Slam but RVD reverses to a DDT and goes for the frogsplash, but Angle runs up the corner and suplexes RVD off the top for 2. Angle goes for the anklelock and RVD struggles, then manages to kick Angle off and wipe him out with a spinkick to the jaw. RVD goes back up top and goes for the frogsplash, Angle moves and hits the Angle Slam for the win.

Winner: Kurt Angle

Not a bad match, and at least we got a clean finish. Jeff Jarrett gets up from the broadcast booth and applauds Angle from the aisleway as we call it a show.

Thanks for following PWInsider.com's coverage of Impact, I'll be back in a little while with the Postgame Show in the Elite section!