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We start off with Roddy Piper in Piper’s Pit. He says that he is back and so is Piper’s Pit. Roddy has Luis Guzman at his guest. He talks about the movie Old Dogs featuring everyone. Piper mentions Mr. T but Luis says Mr. T isn’t in the movie. Piper reminds everyone that he beat Mr. T. The Bellas bring out Bobby Flay, but it is the Iron Sheik instead because they got Iron Chef and Iron Sheik mixed up. Guzman brings up Hogan and it is time for Sheik to go off on Hogan. Hogan’s name is mentioned and Sheik goes off and shows how to give Hogan the camel clutch with the Wrestling Buddies.
Before our first match starts, the Miz gets on the mic and he says that he hasn’t said one word yet, but the fans have already chosen to hate him. Miz reminds everyone that he is the US Champion. Miz says that New York loves champions, like the Yankees. Miz questions whether they are really champions. Miz says they didn’t earn their World Series title, they bought it. That is why everyone hates New York and its franchises. Miz points out that he is from Cleveland. Miz says that he did not have to buy his United States Title, he earned it. Now he is going to earn it because the guest host told him that he has to defend his title even if Piper cannot differentiate between the Iron Chef and Iron Sheik.
Match Number One: The Miz versus Montel Vontavious Porter for the United States Title
Porter gives a Yankees cap to Sherri Sheppard who is in the front row.
Miz with punches to Porter followed by a knee and kicks in the corner. The referee pulls Miz out of the corner. Miz with an Irish whip but Porter floats over and hits a flying clothesline and hip toss followed by a slam. Porter tries for a big boot and Miz stops short and goes to the floor. Porter runs around the ring and punches Miz and sends Miz back into the ring. Porter with a punch but Miz kicks Porter as he tries to re-enter the ring and Porter goes to the floor. Miz sends Porter’s head into the ring post and then he kicks Porter. Miz gets a near fall and then he kicks Porter in the back. Miz with a rear chin lock but Porter with an elbow and punches. Porter with more punches and then he tosses Miz into the air and down to the mat. Porter with a clothesline and punch followed by a facebuster. It is time for the Ballin’ elbow. Porter tries for the Playmaker but Miz blocks it. Porter with a boot and a near fall. Porter tries for another float over but Miz catches Porter and kicks him in the chest and then hits the Skull Crushing Finale for the three count.
Winner: The Miz
We go to commercial.
We are back with the Slam of the Week: Chavo Guerrero embarrassed again by the Guest Host.
Match Number Two: Chavo Guerrero versus Santino Marella
Santino comes to the ring in the Diva cheap pop local sports jersey. He starts off with the Rangers, goes to the Giants, the Knicks (with boos), the Jets (with more boos), the Mets (to even more boos), a Phillies jersey, and then finishes it off with a Yankees jersey.
Chavo with a kick and then he hits the Three Amigos and then he goes up top but Santino rolls away. Chavo goes to the opposite corner and Chavo rolls away. Chavo goes up top and Santino rolls back. Chavo kicks Santino and Hornswoggle comes out with his DX gear and Santino gets a rollup for the three count.
Winner: Santino Marella
After the match, Chavo looks for Hornswoggle.
DX comes out to the ring and they throw glow sticks to the fans. Hunter wants to hear the crowd get louder. He talks about how they are in the most famous arena in the world and the DX Army is in the house. Hunter says they wanted to come out tonight, have some fun, embarrass some people, and sell some merchandise, but it isn’t going to happen. Shawn says that is true. Shawn mentions the DX book and Hunter says that they can go to Border’s and buy a copy.
Hunter says that they are going to talk about the big fat elephant in the room. Not the Big Show, but the Triple Threat Match with John Cena. Hunter says that Cena said that this will be the end of DX because they will turn on each other and implode. Hunter says that he does not know what the word means, but they won’t implode like Show and Jericho will. They are a single unit. They know that only one person can be WWE Champion as long as the title comes to DX. Shawn says that they will compete against each other at Survivor Series, but you cannot tear DX apart. Shawn has a piece of business tonight. That is the member of the leprechaun community. Hunter says that they know that Hornswoggle is under the ring and since Hornswoggle will not listen to logic and wears DX merchandise. Hunter points out that Hornswoggle did not pay for the merchandise. Hunter says that even little people can get to live their dream. Hunter says that he is going to consider letting Hornswoggle be a member of DX.
Hornswoggle comes into the ring and he is a crotch chopping machine. Hunter asks Hornswoggle if he wants to be a part of DX, he has to get in the line like a big boy. Hunter wants to know if Hornswoggle is ready. Hunter kicks Hornswoggle and then he gives Hornswoggle a Pedigree. Shawn then tells Hornswoggle that there are two words for him.
Shawn and Hunter get a back board with the DX logo on it and they put Hornswoggle on it and take him to the back.
We go to commercial.
We are back with a Moments Ago Moment of Triple H settling the DX legal problems with Hornswoggle ‘The DX Way’.
Michael Cole asks Jerry Lawler what is so magical about Madison Square Garden. It is time for a WWE/Madison Square Garden video package.
Roddy is back in his Pit and he has a fire extinguisher and coconuts. Chris Jericho enters and he comments on the features of the office. Chris says that just like every other guest host, Piper did not come to Jericho. Piper says that he will show Jericho some respect but he has something for Jericho. He brings in Chris Masters to move his pecs to the rhythm. The Bellas are impressed. Jericho has a sour look on his face.
Alicia Fox and Melina are walking in split screen as we go to commercial.
We are back and did you know that WWE just came back from a European tour?
It is time for the guest ring announcers and it is Judah Freedlander.
Match Number Two: Alicia Fox versus Melina for the Divas Title
Alicia wants to be announced as the next Divas Champion. Judah says that he came here for two reasons, to watch Melina’s entrance and to announce that it is a lumberjack match.
Alicia with a kick to Melina and then she tries to throw Melina out but Alicia is thrown out and she returns to the ring. Melina with a rollup for a near fall. Melina avoids a kick and then Alicia sends Melina to the floor. Alicia throws Melina to the mat and gets a near fall. Melina with a knee to Alicia and she sends Alicia into the corner. Melina with a flapjack and clotheslines. Melina kicks Alicia but Alicia with a tilt-a-whirl back breaker for a near fall. Melina with a counter into the Banshee Code Red for the three count.
Winner: Melina
After the match, Michelle attacks Melina and we have a ten woman catfight until Michelle’s team is vanquished from the ring.
Judah celebrates with Team Mickie and we go to commercial.
Michael Cole lets us know what Mike reported earlier that Raw is on USA through 2014.
It is time for Roddy Piper to make his way to the ring. Roddy says that he loves everyone too. He enjoys getting a standing ovation every time he comes to Madison Square Garden. Roddy says that a lot of things have changed. Roddy asks the camera man if he is going to stand there all night because he will kick him. Roddy mentions that he made his career by not being so nice and the New Yorkers would put up with that. Roddy says that he had some embarrassing moments. He embarrassed Cyndi Lauper but she did a good job embarrassing herself. Roddy mentions Captain Lou Albano, Bruno Sammartino, Andre the Giant, Hulk Hogan. He says that if you mess with Hot Rod, you are going to be bald or dead. Piper says that he is the reason why Hulk Hogan has no hair. Piper says that he has done some unspeakable things here and he loved every one of them. He has one more thing to do before he checks out. Piper wants one more match against Vince McMahon. Piper says that he knows that Vince is a big fan of his. Piper mentions his appearance on Real Sports and Vince fired him in this building. Piper says that he knows that he is in the back . . .
Vince McMahon comes to the ring. Vince comments on Roddy’s dye job on the hair. Vince says that the most heinous thing that Piper did in the Garden was show up tonight. Vince says that Mother Nature has not been too kind to Roddy. Vince mentions the toothpick arms, knobby knees, and the catcher’s mitt face. Vince says that the only thing that hasn’t dried up and withered away is Roddy’s kilt. Piper says that there are a lot of things to be ashamed of when it comes to Vince McMahon. Piper comments on Vince’s suit and says that it was bought for him by John Gotti. Vince says that people says that people come to him and say that they want to look as good as Vince when they are his age. Vince says that they don’t look as good as him right now. Vince mentions that he has beaten them all. Vince says that unless there is better competition in the future, Vince is officially retired. Piper says that is all of the games he is going to play because retired is the same as being a coward and afraid to fight. Piper says that he is not sane. He says that he has been in plane crashes, been electrocuted, and he has beaten cancer. Piper wants to make Vince accountable too to the people who made him a billionaire. Piper does not want this at a pay per view or Wrestlemania. He wants this match tonight.
We go to commercial.
We are back and Lawler and Cole wonder if Vince McMahon will accept Roddy Piper’s challenge.
We take a look back at the ‘feud’ between Sheamus and Jamie Noble that led to Noble’s retirement.
Sheamus lets everyone know who he is and he says that he has been on Raw for four weeks and he has already put one man out of the business. He will do the same to anyone who is willing to face him in the ring.
Sheamus attacks the guy who sits in the cubicle with Justin Roberts and throws him across the announce table. Jerry Lawler gets up from the announce table and that was his first mistake because Sheamus gives Lawler a bicycle kick. Sheamus goes to the back while the referees check on the carnage at ringside.
We go to commercial.
We are back and Michael Cole is joined by Matt Striker who happened to be in town because he lives in New York.
It is time to take a somber look at the card for Survivor Series.
Match Number Three: Evan Bourne versus Jack Swagger
The match is joined in progress and Swagger with a waist lock. We see Swagger with a wheelbarrow suplex from the commercial break. We are back to live action and Swagger maintains the waist lock. Bourne with elbows but Swagger with a clothesline to the back of the head. Swagger with a suplex attempt but Bourne with a knee to the head followed by a rollup for a near fall. Bourne with a drop kick that sends Swagger into the corner. Swagger sends Bourne to the apron and Bourne with a kick and then he goes up top and hits the double knees and gets a near fall. Bourne tries for a moonsault but Swagger catches Bourne and runs him into two turnbuckles and then Swagger hits the Doctor Bomb for the three count.
Winner: Jack Swagger
Roddy Piper is walking in the back as we go to commercial.
We are back and did you know that every state will be represented at Wrestlemania, and some countries.
Roddy Piper is in the ring and he wants Vince to come to the ring, but Randy Orton’s music plays.
Randy makes his way to the ring as only Randy Orton can and he has a mic. Randy says that he doesn’t know if Vince is coming out but Piper has a big problem because he is here. Randy figures that there is no better way to relieve some stress than to kick Piper around. Orton with a kick to Piper and then he waits for Piper to get back to a standing position. Piper punches Orton and Orton thinks about it and he kicks Piper a few times. Orton prepares to kick Piper but he stops short and then hears Kofi Kingston’s music.
Kofi comes to the ring and he punches Orton and Orton leaves the ring. Kofi attacks Orton as Piper goes to the back. Kofi sends Orton into the crowd and Kofi follows. Orton sends Kofi into a chair. Orton is down and Kofi with a kick and punches. Orton with a kick and then he sends Kofi back over the ringside barrier. Orton stomps on Kofi’s lower abdomen. Orton with a forearm to the chest and then he slingshots Kofi into the bottom rope. Orton sets for the field goal kick but Kofi with a cross body and punches as he recovers before Orton can give him the kick of doom. Kofi punches Orton and connects with an uppercut. Kofi sends Orton shoulder first into the ringside barrier. Orton is sent over the ringside barrier again. Orton punches Kofi and the referees try to separate them. Orton has had enough but it was a trap and he goes after Kofi. Kofi punches back. They fight into the stands as they action moves to Section 155. Kofi sends Orton over the railing and Kofi takes one of the cases and he hits Orton in the head and Orton has a dazed look in his eyes. Kofi goes to the guardrail and he is stopped by the referees. Kofi gets away from the referees and he hits the Boom Boom Leg Drop from the stands. Kofi stands over Orton as the referees try to get Kofi to go to the back.
We go to commercial.
We are back and John Cena is in the interview area and he talks about how tonight, history will be made when the Unified Tag Champions face DX and the team of John Cena and the Undertaker. Cena says that it is tough to talk to Undertaker. Cena mentions the Survivor Series match and he wonders how he can compete with two first ballot Hall of Famers. A production assistant hands something to John Cena and he cannot believe that it is real. Cena looks a bit bummed and he has made a mistake. Cena is reminded that it is not a handicap match, it is a Triple Threat Match. Cena says that he is ready and it is time to face fact. Cena says that he hopes Hunter and Shawn are still friends because on Monday they will have to deal with the fact that he is still champion.
Match Number Four: Chris Jericho and Big Show versus Degeneration X versus John Cena and Undertaker
Jericho, Cena, and Michaels start things off and Jericho and Cena lock up and Cena throws him off. Cena does the same to Michaels. Show tags in and so does Hunter and Taker. Hunter and Taker go face to face and then they look at Show. Hunter and Taker punch Show. Hunter with a facebuster to Show and Taker clotheslines Show over the top rope. Taker with a boot to Hunter followed by punches. Hunter with a spinebuster and then Hunter tags in Michaels. We have our Wrestlemania rematch. And Taker misses a punch and Shawn with chops. Taker throws Shawn over the top rope and Shawn skins the cat. Show with a spear to Taker. Show blocks a super kick and Show takes Michaels down. Jericho tags in and he hits a bulldog. Jericho tries for the Lionsault but Michaels gets his knees up. Jericho is able to put Shawn in the Walls of Jericho. Taker grabs Jericho but Cena tags in and hits a bulldog on Jericho but Shawn with a chop and Hunter is tagged in.
Hunter punches Cena but Cena with a side slam to Jericho. Cena and Hunter face off in the ring and Cena waves his hand in Cena’s face and Hunter with a crotch chop. They exchange punches but Show with a double choke slam. Taker punches Show and Taker with a flying clothesline and a kick that sends Show to the floor. Taker is Irish whipped into the ringside barrier. Jericho covers Cena and gets a two count. Shawn waits for Hunter to make it across the ring to make the tag and he makes it. Michaels with a flying forearm and kip up followed by a reverse atomic drop and punch. Shawn with a slam and then he goes up top for the elbow drop and he hits it. Shawn waits for the vintage Sweet Chin Music and he tries for one on Cena but Cena moves. Cena with the two flying shoulder tackles followed by the Blue Thunder bomb and the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena gets Michaels up but Hunter makes the tag and Hunter kicks Cena. Hunter with a high knee and then he punches Cena. Hunter with a face buster and a punch to Jericho. Hunter with a spinebuster to Cena and then he poses. Show with a head butt to stop a pedigree on Cena. Shawn with Sweet Chin Music to Show. Jericho with a Codebreaker to Shawn. Taker with a choke slam to Jericho. Hunter clotheslines Taker over the top rope and Taker lands on his feet. Cena with the Attitude Adjustment to Hunter for the three count.
Winners: John Cena and Undertaker
After the match, Taker gives Cena a tombstone piledriver and then Taker poses in the ring as we go blue for credits.
