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Welcome to the Impact Wrestling Report here on PWInsider.com!
We start off at the Hardy Compound, where BROKEN Matt is seeking the advice of George Washington (his pet giraffe). He isn't sure what to make of the Seven Deities' vision that he should go back to his Egyptian roots, but George has some good advice. We catch up with Matt in the Dome of Deletion, where he is trying to talk some sense into Vanguard-1 about his drinking problem when Brother Nero arrives. He says he got there as fast as he could, and Matt tells him that he is to go on an odyssey and fears he maty lose his powers, so he wants to store them in Brother Nero's vessel for safekeeping. Brother Nero agrees to this, so Matt places his hand on his brother and reality warps as he transfers his essence into Brother Nero, who has a PREEMONEESHUN...that Matt is going back to their Egyptian roots. Matt tells Brother Nero to wish him luck, and he touches Vanguard-1 and they both teleport out of there while Nero staggers back in awe at their departure. The Hardys are seriously the awesomest thing in wrestling today.
Tonight: the marriage of Laurel Van Ness to Braxton Sutter, planned/produced/hosted by Maria Kanellis-Bennett, and we are all cordially invited!
We go to the arena where we kick the show off with Cody and Brandi Rhodes. Cody says his previous time in TNA was cut short by Bobby Lashley, but that's not why he's here tonight. He's actually here because of the lovely and exquisite Brandi Rhodes, or as he hears in some circles, is now being referred to as mini-Moose. Cody says this job takes you away from your loved ones more often than not, and he wants Moose to come out here so he can personally thank him for helping Brandi out. On behalf of the entire Rhodes family, he wants to thank Moose and that he's one of them. Moose says he'll tell Cody what he told Brandi last week: they both have his number, and he'll have their back anytime. Cody looks at Brandi and asks hher if she has Moose's number. Moose says Cody's taking it the wrong way, but Cody puts up the shush hand and says that this is wrestling business 101: he's away, they're training together, they're teaming together, and asks if they're going to sleep together next. Moose says Cody's looking at it all wrong, he did what he did as a friend, but Cody tells him he's not a friend, he's a slut. Brandi gets bent out of shape at Cody and asks him if this is a joke, and Cody says it was a joke, and it was obviously in bad taste. Cody kisses his wife, then shakes Moose's hand...and kicks him in the ding ding. Brandi is losing her mind on Cody as he pounds the snot out of Moose and hits CrossRhodes. Brandi bends down to check on Moose, but Cody grabs her by the arm and directs her out of the ring. Brandi looks back at Moose regretfully as they head to the back.
Cody is dragging Brandi through the backstage area, shoves the cameraman out of his way and tells him to get away from his wife.
We see a video package with Eli Drake and Tyrus discussing their match tonight, and Tyrus says he's gonna beat Drake like he owes him money...because he owes him money.
Tyrus vs Eli Drake
Drake has a mic and cuts a promo as he comes out saying that no matter how many times he appears on Fox News, he's not the star, Drake is. He is the namer of dummies, and he sees DUMMY YEAH when he looks at Tyrus. Drake says he wanted to ruin his show, but he's got a first class ticket to ruining Tyrus, and that's just a Fact of Life. The bell rings, they tie up, and Tyrus shoves Drake across the ring like he's nothing. Drake tries a shoulderblock and goes down like a rock. Drake rolls out to the floor, grabs a mic, and says let's think about this for a second. They're both businessmen, and Tyrus knows what the right thing is to do, so let's do it. Drake tells Tyrus to lay down, but Tyrus tells Drake that HE can lay down for him. Drake says everything will be fine if Tyrus will just lay down, but Tyrus isn't going for it, so Drake says fine, let's do it his way. Drake circles Tyrus, then suckerpunches the ref and lays him out cold. Tyrus grabs Drake by the throat and chokes him out as the referee calls for the bell.
Winner by DQ: Tyrus
Drake gets a mic again and offers Tyrus a raise, and that's finally enough for Tyrus, who gives Drake a big hug and raises his hand. Okay then.
Maria and Sienna are getting ready when Laurel shows up in her special wedding dress that she got shipped in from Italy on her daddy's credit card. Maria's so proud of her for being so tall and beautiful, but she told Allie to be here with the rings by now. Sienna says she'll text Allie and she better get here with those rings if she knows what's good for her.
Back to Cameron, where a boat appears where Matt once stood. Brother Nero briefly despairs that his brother has turned into a boat, but then Matt appears dressed in ancient armor and says he was named Annunaki, and Skarsgard is no longer a dilapidated boat, but a golden ark that will house all the tag team titles they will win. Matt now knows what they need to do next on the Expedition of Gold, so the Hardys grab up on Vanguard-1 and they're off again.
Jade comes out to the ring and says that the issue between Rosemary and herself isn't over, and she wants Rosemary out in the ring NOW because it's time to take the Knockouts Division back. Rosemary comes out and tells Blue that she's a valiant warrior for the light, but she should be trying to save herself. Instead, they'll do it for her because there's an entire Knockouts division waiting for their Decay, and they are finished with her. Jade says she's not done with her because she' still standing, and she accepted Rosemary's invitation to Monster's Ball and still has the scars. Jade asks Red if she wants to know who the better Knockouts is, and if she just wants to get rid of her. Rosemary happily nods yes, so Jade issues a challenge for a Last Woman Standing match for the Knockouts Title. Rosemary says that if Blue wants to put her soul on the line, one more dance with a demon, it's HERS. Jade says this is her game, and that belt is coming home with her.
Braxton Sutter is backstage stressing over what he's about to do tonight, and he shares his doubts with Mike Bennett, who tries to give him a pep talk, but Sutter says he's just thinking about Allie. Bennett says Maria is taking care of Allie, and nothing's gonna stop his marriage tonight. He gives Sutter a bottle of wine and says that's what he does when things get tough for him.
Bram vs Jessie Godderz
Godderz takes a sucker punch at Kingston, then takes Bram down and goes for the Adonis Lock. Bram gets out and dumps Godderz to the ring apron where Kingston trips him up, allowing Bram to connect with a hard right hand that knocks him to the floor. Bram runs Godderz into the steps and sends him back inside to cover for 2. Godderz gets a snap powerslam for 2, then connects with a series of dropkicks and then catches Bram in the Adonis Lock. Bram won't tap, so Godderz catapults Bram into Kingston (who was standing on the apron) and gets a sunset flip on Bram for the win.
Winner: Jessie Godderz
Back to the Hardys, who have teleported into some locker room somewhere. They're here to find their tag team champions, but are instead confronted by the Mid-Atlantic Outlaws, who are the rightful #1 contenders. Matt says they must face these Outlaws of Mid-Atlantic to earn the #1 contendership, but then one of the guys in the locker room gets up and says that Mathis and Rage haven't lost in nearly 12 years, and he thinks the Hardys can be their ticket outta here and to a better life. He asks the Outlaws to do the right thing and step aside, and they agree to do it and everyone shakes hands before the Hardys lead everyone out of the locker room in a DELETE march.
Back to the wedding, where Braxton and Allie bump into each other backstage. Allie uncomfortably asks Braxton if this is what he really wants, and he says he's sorry she doesn't understand but he has to do this. She says he doesn't as she walks off, and Sutter swears and kicks stuff.
The Hardys have found the Mid-Atlantic tag team champs, who are none too pleased to see the Hardys moving in on their territory. A brawl breaks out, and Mathis and Rage accept the challenge, but then we see them by themselves later where they conspire and decide that this match...IS GONNA BE A SHOOT! We see clips from the match, where Jeff is in peril until making the hot tag to Matt. At that point they beat up Mathis and Rage on the floor, and Jeff loads one of them into a giant trash bin and rolls him down the stairs, knocking him out completely. Back in the ring, Jeff finally makes it back to the ring in time to hit Poetry In Motion, then the Twist of Fate/Swanton combo for the win. The Hardys have added a third title to their collection, and the ring fills with wrestlers who begin a DELETE chant. The fans join in as the Hardys teleport back to the Dome of Deletion. They put the belts (which look like something my four year old could have made) in Skarsgard, which begins emitting puffs of smoke.
Bobby Lashley joins Josh and Pope at the broadcast booth for our next match...
Josh Barnett vs Bad Bones
Okay, let's see how this guy does as a wrestler. He starts off with a series of strikes, then takes Bones down with a duck under and goes to a rear chinlock. Bones makes the ropes and then backs Barnett to the corner, where he unloads with a series of strikes, but Barnett responds with a flurry of strikes and then hiptosses Bones over the top to the floor. Barnett tries to drag him back in, but the ref backs him off and he leaves himself open for a slingshot spear through the ropes. Barnett catches Bones with a gutwrench, picks him up for a powerbomb, and seems to kind of lose him in midair and just drops him on the back of his head. Barnett hits a northern lights suplex and goes to a Kimura lock for the submission win.
Winner: Josh Barnett
He looked okay, but very MMA-centric, which I guess is to be expected. Lashley and Barnett have a staredown, and Lashley asserts that he will, in fact, whoop his ass.
X Division Title Match: Trevor Lee vs DJ Z
DJ Z wipes Lee out with a dive through the ropes as the match starts, then comes off the apron with a Frankensteiner they blew completely since they flipped over in two completely separate motions. They go back in the ring and Z catches Lee with a top rope crossbody, but Z connects with a series of clotheslines for 2. DJ Z stumbles on the bad ankle and Lee catches him with a release German suplex for 2. DJ Z counters another German suplex attempt to a victory roll for 2, then he hits a chinbreaker and a springboard inverted Frankensteiner. Helms distracts DJ Z and allows Lee to roll DJ Z up with a handful of tights for the win.
Winner: Trevor Lee
DJ Z attacks Helms, but gets blindsided by Lee. Helms slides a chair in to Lee, who puts it on Z's ankle to conchairto him again. Andrew Everett comes in with a missile dropkick that takes both Helms and Lee out, then he SPIKES Lee with a Frankensteiner and hits a nice shooting star press.
Maria finds Braxton Sutter backstage to make sure he's not having second thoughts. Sutter says this has gone way out of control and needs to stop, and Maria says it'll stop when they're married, because Braxton knows what will happen if he doesn't. The wedding is up NEXT!
Okay, we're back at the Impact Zone, and Sutter and Bennett enter first, and Bennett is totally s-faced and staggering down to tingside with a wine bottle in each hand. He offers a swig to the minister, who politely declines. Sutter takes his place at the altar to await his fate, and here come Spud and Aron Rex to be the flower girls. Next is the bridesmaids, Sienna and Maria. After this commercial, the bride appears!
Okay, here comes the bride, and she looks bridely. Maria says this will be the best wedding ever (other than hers) and tells Allie to come out with the rings right now. Allie comes out looking really pretty and Sutter's eyes bug out of his head. Maria tells him to stare at his beautiful bride to be, then tells Allie to stand right where she can see everything. The officiant starts, and Rex tears up and needs Spud to hanky his tears away. Maria shuts the minister up and gets right to the reading of the vows, of which they've written their own. Laurel says she's dreamed of this since she was a little girl with a trust fund, and it's okay that he's not rich because she is, and all that matters is that one of them has lots of zeroes in their bank account. She can't wait to buy him a totally new wardrobe, and be Mrs. Van Ness-Sutter forever! Sutter says he forgot to write his vows down, and we get to the "anybody have any reason these two should not be married" part, but Maria says we're not doing that part of the ceremony, and obviously her stupid assistant forgot to leave that part out. Maria tells Allie to bring the rings over, but she trips and drops them, so Maria calls her stupid and tells her to pick them up. The officiant asks Laurel if she blah blah blah, she says yes, then Braxton gets the same question, and...he hesitates...and Laurel asks him to say it...then she orders him to say it...then Sutter hesitates...and he says he's really sorry but he doesn't. Rex can't beleive it, but Sutter says he doesn't take her to be his anything, he can't stand being around her, and there's a guy out there she will make completely miserable someday, but today's not that day and he's not that guy. Besides, he's in love with someone else...and it's Allie! Yay! He's sorry he never told her before, but he loves her. Maria is losing her mind, and she asks Sutter if he lost his mind. Sutter says that Maria threatened to fire Allie and that he would never see her again, but he's in love with her. Maria says Sutter put his big boy pants on today, and there is something she can do about it. She fires Allie, but Allie says she can't fire her because she won't work for a monster like her and she quits. Sienna grabs Allie, Sutter makes the save and then suckerpunches Bennett. Brooke runs out and attacks Sienna while Robbie E runs out and attacks Bennett. Finally the only people left standing are Sutter and Allie, they embrace, and...he dips and kisses her! YES! Maria is losing her mind, Laurel is having a breakdown, and Sutter and Allie raise their hands to the crowd while brawls are going on around them. Laurel grabs Bennett's wine bottle and chugs the whole thing as we get one last kiss to close the show.
Thanks for reading the Impact Wrestling Report here on PWInsider.com! I'll be back on Sunday to discuss Impact and more with Dave Scherer on the Stu & Pid Show!
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