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WWE MAIN EVENT REPORT: REAL AMERICANS; TONS OF FUNK; COBRAS; WYATT FAMILY; AND MORE

By Richard Trionfo on 2013-10-03 18:07:33
We are in Baton Rouge, Lousiana and your announcers are Josh ‘LSU’ Mathews and Alex ‘I can’t wait to do commentary during Wrestlemania week in this state’ Riley.

Before our first match, the man who holds the Money in the Bank briefcase has something to say.

He has said this before and he will say this again. In the Valley of the Stupid, the half-wit is king. That explains why everyone cheers Santino Marella. All hail Santino, King of the Stupid. Damien demands SILENCE. At the end of the day, he is a power walking, puppet wielding pest. Damien says that he is everyone’s uncrowned World Heavyweight Champion.

Match Number One: Santino Marella versus Damien Sandow

The bell rings and Santino goes after Damien, but Damien goes to the apron. Santino puts his hand up and Damien goes into the ropes again. They lock up and Sandow with a side head lock and take down. Santino with a head scissors and Sandow escapes. Sandow with another side head lock take down and Santino with another head scissors but Sandow escapes.

Sandow with a kick and punch to Santino. Sandow tries for a hip toss but Sandow blocks a hip toss attempt by Santino and Sandow with a short arm clothesline. They lock up and Santino with a waist lock and side head lock. Santino with hip tosses and he puts his hand in the cobra form and Sandow backs into the corner.

Sandow with a kick to Santino and Santino does some power walking but Sandow with a knee and that sends Sandow to the mat. Sandow misses a forearm and Santino with a side Russian leg sweep and he mocks the Elbow of Disdain and Sandow with a shoulder and knees.

Sandow sends Santino to the floor. We go to commercial.

We are back and Sandow with a body scissors but Santino gets on top and he punches Sandow but Sandow with a double thrust to the throat. Sandow with elbow drops followed by a knee drop for a near fall. Sandow with a reverse chin lock but Santino gets back to his feet and he punches Sandow.

Sandow with an Edgecution for a near fall. Sandow sends Santino to the floor one more time. Sandow goes to the floor and he runs Santino’s back into the ring apron. Sandow puts Santino over the apron and he connects with an elbow to the throat.

Sandow with a forearm to the throat and he gets a near fall. Sandow with a reverse chin lock. Santino tries for a Saito suplex but Sandow turns the hips to get a lateral press for a near fall. Sandow sends Santino into the turnbuckles but Santino gets his second wind.

Santino Cobras up and he slams his own head into the turnbuckles. Santino collapses to the mat and Sandow with the Elbow of Disdain and Sandow gets a near fall. Sandow punches Santino a few times.

Santino blocks a punch and then he hits a Saito suplex and both men are down. Sandow misses a charge into the corner when Santino moves out of the way. Santino with punches and a forearm. Santino with a split followed by a hip toss and a diving head butt.

Santino goes for the cobra but Sandow rolls to the floor. Santino follows after Sandow and Sandow returns to the ring. Sandow stands on the arm and he removes the Cobra. Sandow kicks Santino and then he hits the Silencer for the three count.

Winner: Damien Sandow

We go to commercial.

We are back with more comments from Triple H. This week’s topic is the way that he has dealt with the Big Show.

Michael says that a fan called Triple H juvenile and immature when he mocked Big Show. Is that the way that a COO should behave? Triple H says that you have to go to extremes at times. He says that people are tired of Big Show coming out to talk about his personal problems. Is he the only one with a mortgage payment or bills to pay?

Everybody has problems and nobody wants to see a seven foot 500 pound giant come out every week and blubber about his problems. Hunter says that he was showing Big Show how he looks.

Michael asks Hunter if he is concerned being with Big Show on Smackdown. Hunter says that they are professionals so he should not be concerned. He is giving Big Show a main event match where he can blow off some steam and earn some money. Show will face the Shield in a handicap match because that is what is best for business. If it is best for business then it is best for the Big Show.

Match Number Two: Darren Young and Titus O’Neil versus Luke Harper and Erick Rowan (with Bray Wyatt)

Harper and Young start things off and they lock up. Harper pushes Young away. Young with a waist lock and Harper with an elbow. Young with head butts and Harper returns fire with a forearm. Rowan tags in and Darren tags Titus into the match to face the man with the mask. Rowan with forearms followed by an Irish whip but he runs into a boot from Titus.

Young tags in and they hit a double shoulder tackle and get a near fall. Young with forearms but Rowan with a spinning leg lariat. Young is put on the turnbuckles and Harper is tagged in and they punches Young while on the turnbuckles. Harper rubs his forearm across Young’s face. Harper with a forearm and he slingshots Young’s throat into the middle rope. Rowan tags in and he connects with a knee drop to the ribs.

Harper tags back in and he punches Young in the midsection. Harper rakes the eyes and he sends Young into the apron. Harper with a front face lock and then he does a Gator Roll. Harper with a bear hug but Young with an enzuigiri.

Titus tags in and he connects with a shoulder tackle on Harper and he knocks Rowan off the apron. Young with an Irish whip and splash into the corner. Titus with a power slam and he gets a near fall. Rowan breaks up the cover and Darren goes after Rowan. Rowan sends Young over the top rope to the floor but Titus does the same to Rowan.

Harper with a discus clothesline for the three count.

Winners: Luke Harper and Erick Rowan

After the match, Wyatt enters the ring and he looks at Titus from the corner in his own perspective. Harper and Rowan hold Titus and then Wyatt kisses Titus on the forehead and he hits Sister Abigail.

We go to commercial.

Match Number Three: Curtis Axel (with Paul Heyman) versus Zack Ryder

They lock up and Ryder with a clothesline and he gets a near fall. Axel misses a clothesline and Ryder with a rollup for a near fall. Heyman checks on Axel while Axel kicks Ryder in the knee. Axel misses a clothesline but he connects with a lariat to the back of the head. Axel sends Ryder into the turnbuckles and Axel with punches and chops.

Axel with a snap mare and leaping neck snap followed by a drop kick for a near fall. Axel rakes at the face. Axel with a slam and then he goes to the turnbuckles and connects with a forearm to the chest for a near fall. Axel rubs his forearm across the back of the head while Ryder’s face is in the mat. Ryder with a face plant.

Ryder with punches and then he hits a flying clothesline. Ryder with knees to Axel in the corner and then he hits a missile drop kick. Ryder gets a near fall. Ryder with a drop kick to the back of the head and then Ryder sets for the Broski Boot and he connects.

Ryder tries to pull Axel into the center of the ring but Axel holds on to the ropes. Axel sends Ryder into the turnbuckles and then Axel pulls himself up. Axel kicks Ryder into the turnbuckles and then Axel with the neck breaker driver for the three count.

Winner: Curtis Axel

We go to commercial.

We are back with a look at the Rhodes Family appearance on Raw and the match they were given for Battleground.

Match Number Four: Brodus Clay and Tensai (with Cameron and Naomi) versus Jack Swagger and Antonio Cesaro (with Zeb Colter)

Swagger and Clay start things off and Swagger with punches but Clay with a slam or two. Clay with a third slam and he starts to shimmy in the ring. Clay with a fisherman’s suplex for a near fall. Clay with an Irish whip but he misses a charge into the corner and Swagger with a clip to the back of the knee after he tags in Cesaro.

Cesaro with kicks to Clay while Clay holds his knee. Cesaro with more kicks to the knee and then he picks up Clay and he hesitates but he eventually gets Clay in the air for the Giant Swing. Cesaro pulls Clay into the center of the ring and then he gets a near fall.

Cesaro tags Swagger in and Clay punches Swagger. Swagger with a clothesline after Cesaro gets in a few shots. The referee checks on Clay and Swagger hits the Swagger Bomb. Cesaro tags in and hits a leap frog double stomp and he gets a near fall. Swagger tags back in and he slaps Clay in the back of the head. Clay with a t-bone suplex.

Tensai tags in and so does Cesaro. Tensai with punches and an uppercut followed by a splash into the corner and a shoulder tackle that spins Cesaro in the air. Tensai with a cannonball and he gets a near fall. Clay knocks Swagger off the apron and then Tensai and Clay squash Cesaro. Swagger stops Clay from hitting the Conference Call Your Mamma. Cesaro with the Gotch Style Neutralizer on Tensai for the three count.

Winners: Jack Swagger and Antonio Cesaro

We go to credits.