We are live on tape from Uncasville, Connecticut and your announcers are Booker ‘Always bet on red when playing roulette’ T, Michael ‘Thank you for these blankets’ Cole, and Josh ‘Doubling down with three shows to do commentary’ Mathews.
We have cage lowering music as we see the arena and David Otunga is now your hostess and coffee drinker du jour to introduce John Laurinaitis.
John thanks David for the welcome and the board for giving him this opportunity. John says that he should run both shows and he will prove it tonight. Teddy Long never started off a show with a cage match or a cage match inside a steel cage.
Match Number One: Santino Marella versus Jack Swagger with Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero for the United States Champion in a Steel Cage Match
5:44 Santino avoids Swagger as he moves towards the corner. Swagger sends Santino into the corner and he punches him followed by knees to the head. Swagger with an Irish whip and Swagger with a belly-to-belly slam for a near fall. Swagger with elbows to the midsection and then he slaps Santino in the head. Swagger sends Santino into the cage and Swagger celebrates.
Swagger with a short arm clothesline for a near fall. Santino avoids a short arm clothesline and then he tries to climb the cage. Santino kicks Swagger away and then he tries for a cross body but Swagger catches Santino and runs Santino head first into the cage.
Santino swings wildly at Swagger and misses. Santino with punches followed by a split and hip toss followed by a diving head butt for a near fall. Santino gets the green sock and he hits Dolph in the hands as he tries to get into the cage from the floor. Swagger tries for a belly-to-back suplex but Santino hits Swagger with the cobra and both men are down.
The referee outside the cage sends Ziggler to the back.
We go to commercial.
We are back and Swagger with a knee to the midsection. Swagger takes Santino’s sock puppet but Santino with a rollup for a near fall. Santino with a sunset flip for a near fall. Swagger with a drop toe hold that sends Santino into the turnbuckles. Swagger with a double jump Swagger Bomb for a near fall.
Vickie yells some instructions to Swagger. Swagger climbs the cage but Santino falls and hits the ropes and Swagger is crotched. Santino gets a nar fall. Santino climbs to the top of the cage but Swagger stops Santino. Swagger slaps Santino but Santino with a head butt andSantino hits a tormado DDT. Santino crawls to the door but Swagger keeps Santino in the cage. Santino kicks Swagger away and Swagger applies the ankle lock on Santino as he pulls Santino back into the cage. Vickie grabs the cage door to hit Santino but Swagger’s head is in front of the cage door and Vickie does not look so she hits Swagger with the cage door.
Winner: Santino Marellla
After the match, Santino goes up the ramp and celebrates with Teddy Long.
We go to commercial.
We are back and we have a moments ago moment for the people who forgot that Santino is still the United States Champion.
John Laurinaitis and the Official Taster’s Choice of the WWE are in John’s office and David tells John to be calm. He tells John that the board is watching and John gave the Board a steel cage match.
There is a knock on the door and Teddy Long enters.
John tells Teddy that he gave his word last week that there would be a match between Kane and Aksana.
Teddy tells John that he can’t do that but John says that he can.
Teddy wants the difference pushed to the side, but John wonders why Teddy wants the differences pushed to the side after what Teddy did to John last week on Raw.
John says that he will not let bygones be bygones.
Teddy does not want Aksana put in harm’s way. John did not appreciate that Teddy did not say please.
Teddy says please and John says that he never got an apology for Teddy’s behavior last week.
John says that isn’t good enough and they need to settle it man to man in the ring tonight.
Teddy wants the match between Aksana and Kane called off if he wins. John says that if Teddy wins, Aksana will face Kane tonight. Teddy wants to make sure that he heard John right and John says that is the case . . . PLAYA.
Teddy leaves and David and John share a smile and then David drinks more coffee.
Forget what is happening on Smackdown, Shawn Michaels is the new guest referee for the Hell in a Cell Match.
We go to commercial.
We are reminded that Shawn will be confronted by the Undertaker on Raw as we go to commercial.
We are back and the most recent fired superstar (for storyline purposes) Drew McInytre makes his way to the ring and since he is fired, he is dressed to wrestle.
We see what happened last week when Drew lost to Justin Gabriel
Drew says that Teddy Long fired him last week. However, Drew says that he is here because of one man. That man is John Laurinaitis. John had the wisdom and good business sense to see that he is the future. Drew will get his job back if he can beat the hand picked opponent of John Laurinaitis.
Great Khali’s music plays and Drew cannot believe what is going on.
David Otunga comes out and in his soothing voice, tells the referee to hold on a minute. He tells Khali to have a seat at ringside. Otunga says that Khali is not in the match. Otunga introduces Drew’s official opponent.
Out comes Hornswoggle.
Match Number Two: Drew McIntyre versus Hornswoggle in a Drew gets one more chance to keep his job . . . this time we really mean it . . . unless he loses and we will do it again Match
Drew corners Hornswoggle but Hornswoggle goes through his legs. Drew grabs Hornswoggle and trips him. Drew with a slam and he pulls Hornswoggle’s head up at two. Drew with another slam and he pulls Hornswoggle up by the hair. Drew sets for another slam and he hits a back breaker. The referee stops the match before Drew can make the cover.
Winner: Drew McIntyre
After the match, Khali comes into the ring and he chops Drew in the head. Khali goes to check on Hornswoggle.
We go to the locker room and we see Teddy Long getting ready for his match with John Laurinaitis. Aksana enters the locker room and she is delirious (possibly because she has no special mood lighting or saxophones playing in the background). Teddy calms Aksana down and he says that he has things under control. Aksana says that she is so scared (but not so excited). Teddy needs to make an impression to the Board of Directors. Teddy says that John insulted his manhood and he has to be taught a lesson.
We go to commercial.
We are back and John Laurinaitis is getting ready in his office. John wants to know if David has seen Kane tonight and he says that Kane is one angry monster.
We see footage of Mark Henry at the International Sports Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony earlier this year.
Match Number Three: Ezekiel Jackson versus Mark Henry
Henry has some words for Jackson and then they exchange punches. Jackson with a clothesline in the corner followed by punches but Henry with a forearm and punch to the head. Henry with a kick to the chest followed by a shot to the head. Henry with a slam to Jackson followed by an elbow drop that misses its mark. Jackson with a clothesline into the corner followed by a punch to the midsection. Jackson sets for a running clothesline into the corner but Henry with a shoulder tackle. Henry with the World’s Strongest Slam for the three count.
Winner: Mark Henry
John Laurinaitis walks in the back with his Barista Barrister. Then we cut to Teddy Long who is walking with Aksana. We go to commercial.
Match Number Four: John Laurinaitis with David Otunga versus Teddy Long with Aksana
John gets on the mic and wants to know if Teddy is really going to do this. He says that Kane is ready to come out. Will Teddy put Aksana in danger? He tells Teddy to be a man and do the right thing. Why would Teddy put a defenseless woman in harm’s way. He tells Teddy to show everyone who the better man is. John wants Teddy to lay down.
John signals to the back and Kane’s pyro goes off. Aksana continues to stand in front of the ring at the bottom of the ramp as Kane walks to the ring.
Aksana gets into the ring and stands behind Teddy Long.
Randy Orton comes out and hits an RKO to Kane.
Laurinaitis wants to know what Orton is doing and he yells at Orton. John forgets that he has a match with Teddy Long and Long with a rollup for the three count.
Winner: Teddy Long
After the match, John yells at David.
We go to the back and Teddy and Aksana are walking quickly as if they want to leave before people realize that Aksana still has to face Kane.
We go to commercial.
Match Number Five: Kofi Kingston and R Truth versus Epico and Primo with Rosa Mendes in a Non Title Match
Epico and Kofi start things off and Epico with a kick and punch followed by a double sledge. Kofi with a monkey flip and Truth is tagged in and they hit a double hip toss. Kofi with a kick to Epico. Truth does a split and then he dances around before hitting a leg drop and he gets a near fall.
Truth with a punch and Kofi is tagged back in. Truth with a leg lariat and Kofi gets a near fall. Primo holds the ropes open and Kofi goes through the ropes to the floor. Primo punches Kofi and slams his head into the apron. Primo tags in and he punches Kofi. The referee warns him and then Epico tags in and he punches Kofi. Epico punches Kofi but Kofi with punches. Epico with a kick and butterfly suplex for a near fall.
Epico with a modified abdominal stretch on Kofi but Kofi fights out of it. Epico with a front face lock and Truth makes the tag but the referee did not see it so the tag does not count. Primo comes in and helps to double team Kofi and then he goes to the apron to make the tag. Primo tags in and he hits a drop kick when Kofi is Irish whipped towards him and Primo gets a near fall.
Primo with a reverse chin lock on Kofi. Kofi punches Primo and kicks him. Primo with a drop toe hold and Kofi develops alligator arms so he cannot make the tag to Truth who is inches away. Kofi with a drop kick and both men are down.
Truth makes the tag and he connects with clotheslines. Truth with a shimmy followed by punches. Truth with a flying forearm to Primo for a near fall when Epico breaks up the cover. All four men are in the ring until Kofi takes care of Epico. Rosa gets on the apron to distract the referee but Primo charges into a pendulum kick and Truth hits Shut Up for the three count.
Winners: Kofi Kingston and R Truth
We go to commercial.
We are back and it is time for a recap of what happened with Rock and John Cena on Raw this past week.
Michael Cole leave the announce table to conduct an in ring interview with the participants in the World Title Match at Wrestlemania.
Sheamus makes his way to the ring first.
We go to commercial.
We are back and Daniel Bryan makes his way to the ring and he is accompanied by the first lady of Smackdown, AJ Lee.
Michael lets Daniel speak first and Daniel is surprised that Cole is now calling him ‘champ’ after everything that has happened in the last two years.
Cole asks Bryan how much of his success he attributes to luck. Daniel says that he has not been lucky at all. When you are good, you don’t need luck. It was not luck that allowed him to successfully cash in the Money in the Bank briefcase. It was not luck when he defeated Mark Henry in a lumberjack match. It was not luck when he defeated Mark Henry and Big Show inside a steel cage at the Royal Rumble. It was not luck when he defeated five top Smackdown wrestlers to retain his title at Elimination Chamber.
Bryan says that it has been the pure knowledge and application of scientific wrestling. It has been living a clean, vegan lifestyle that keeps him mentally and physically fit. Plus, it is his charisma, his undeniable sex appeal that contributes to his success.
Cole turns his attention to Sheamus and suggests that it takes some luck to win the Royal Rumble match. Cole says that it could be the ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Sheamus says that everyone needs a little luck. He says that he is proud that he is from Ireland. He says that he is lucky to be in the United States and in WWE. He says that he is a firm believer of making your own luck. He has fought his way back to the top.
Sheamus says that at least he has not hidden behind a ninety-nine pound little girl who looks like she should be wearing a Catholic school girl uniform.
AJ takes the mic and she wants to say something but Daniel Bryan tells her to shut up. AJ has had nothing to do with his success and if anything, she has gotten in the way . . . literally.
Sheamus tells Daniel that AJ shouldn’t be wearing the skirt, it should be him. Sheamus says Bryan gives off the impression that he is an arrogant, annoying, self delusional, whiny little wimp.
At Wrestlemania, Bryan’s luck is going to run out because he is going to beat him for the World Championship.
Cody Rhodes’ music plays and he comes out because it is main event time.
Match Number Six: Cody Rhodes, Miz, and Daniel Bryan with AJ Lee versus Randy Orton, Sheamus, and Big Show
Sheamus and Cody start things off and Cody with a waist lock but Sheamus with an elbow and running shoulder tackle. Sheamus with a forearm and Orton is tagged in. Orton with a kick to Rhodes and he sends Cody into the turnbuckles. Orton punches Cody from the turnbuckles. Rhodes with an Irish whip into the corner and you know better than to do that because Orton with a clothesline.
Orton kicks Rhodes in the abdomen and gets a near fall. Rhodes with a drop kick and he tags in Bryan. Bryan with a kick followed by a punch and he gets a near fall. Bryan with punches followed by an Irish whip and running drop kick into the corner for a near fall.
Orton with a drop kick and Big Show tags in. Show with a head butt to Bryan followed by a punch to the midsection. Show with a hard Irish whip followed by a slam. Miz tags in and former tag team partners collide again.
Show gets ready to punch Miz and Miz falls back. Miz with a kick but Show pushes him away. Show sends Miz into the turnbuckles and then he chops Miz. Miz tags Cody in and he tags Miz back in before doing anything. Show is a little frustrated and then he brings Miz into the ring from the apron and we go to commercial.
We are back and Sheamus and Miz are in the match and Sheamus with forearms followed by a short arm clothesline for a near fall. Miz with punches to Sheamus and the referee pulls him out of the corner. Sheamus with running double sledges and then he hits a rolling fireman’s carry slam for a near fall.
Sheamus with a punch to the head but Miz with a kick. Rhodes hits Sheamus from behind but Sheamus takes care of Rhodes and then he hits Miz with a running double sledge. Sheamus gets Rhodes set up for the forearms across the chest on the apron and then he give Bryan an elbow. Miz with a drop kick to Sheamus that sends Sheamus to the floor. Bryan with a running knee from the apron.
Bryan tags in and he hits a drop kick on Sheamus when he gets back in the ring. Bryan with kicks to Sheamus followed by punches. Sheamus with punches but Bryan with kicks. Sheamus with punches but Bryan sends Sheamus into the ropes. Bryan with a series of knees to the head.
Miz tags in and he kicks Sheamus and he hits a running boot to the chest and gets a near fall. Rhodes tags in and he kicks Sheamus and connects with boots to Sheamus. Bryan tags in and he kicks Sheamus while screaming ‘YES’. Miz tags back in and kicks Sheamus some more. Miz with a side head lock into a reverse chin lock.
Sheamus punches Miz but Miz with a kick and DDT for a near fall. Rhodes tags in and he applies a full nelson. Sheamus gets to his feet and escapes the hold. Sheamus with an elbow but Rhodes with a knee to the midsection and one to the head for a near fall.
Sheamus blocks a punch and he tries to give Rhodes the Celtic Cross but Cody gets to his feet and hits a side Russian leg sweep for a near fall. Rhodes with an arm bar. Sheamus gets to his feet but Rhodes gets him back to his knees and hits the drop down uppercut. Sheamus with a uranage back breaker.
Orton and Miz tag in and Orton with two clotheslines and then he ducks a clothesline from Miz and that means it is time for the power slam. Orton with a power slam to Rhodes and Show pulls Rhodes over the top rope to the floor and they fight up the ramp to the back.
Orton sends Miz to the apron for the IEDDT and he hits it. Orton turns into the push ups as he gets ready for the RKO. Orton sees Bryan trying to sneak attack him but Orton stops Bryan with a kick and then he sends Bryan to the apron for the IEDDT but Bryan drops Orton on the top rope.
Sheamus with a running forearm that knocks Bryan off the apron. Bryan tries to Irish whip Sheamus into the ringside barrier but Sheamus reverses it and sends Bryan into the ringside barrier. Sheamus clotheslines Bryan into the ring bell area.
Orton avoids the Skull Crushing Finale from Miz and hits the RKO for the three count.
Winners: Randy Orton, Big Show, and Sheamus
After the match, Kane comes to the ring and he pulls Orton out of the ring. They fight to the announce table and Orton is sent into the table but Orton returns fire. They exchange punches around the ring. Kane sends Orton shoulder first into the ring post. Orton sends Kane into the ring post as well. Kane punches Orton and sends him over the ringside barrier into the crowd.
They fight through the crowd and they exchange punches. They go into the stands and continue to exchange punches.
We go to credits.